{"id":10,"date":"2011-12-01T00:44:04","date_gmt":"2011-11-30T18:44:04","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/falseducks.com\/theblahg\/?p=10"},"modified":"2011-12-01T00:44:04","modified_gmt":"2011-11-30T18:44:04","slug":"david-letterman-broke-my-cookie","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/falseducks.com\/theblahg\/?p=10","title":{"rendered":"DAVID LETTERMAN BROKE MY COOKIE"},"content":{"rendered":"

<\/p>\n

Okay, it\u2019s been a while since my last blahg.\u00a0 <\/span>If it\u2019s one thing you should know about me, it\u2019s that I\u2019m a procrastinator.\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/strong>\"ScottOh, I have good intentions and left to my own schedule I will eventually get to it; whatever \u201cit\u201d is.\u00a0 <\/span>In this case, the \u201cit\u201d is a ten year old cookie.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know why I forgot about this little event.\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s only been about five years since the closure of the incident but I\u2019d almost completely wiped it from my memory.\u00a0 <\/span>In truth, the incident started about 17 years ago.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

In a previous blahg, I talked about staying home with my son Noah for the first 4 years of his life.\u00a0 <\/span>That, in itself, was an adventure.\u00a0 <\/span>Keeping him entertained day after day was a huge task some days.\u00a0 <\/span>One little thing that did make him happy was animal cookies.\u00a0 <\/span>Maybe I should call then animal crackers but they\u2019re more like a cookie and he loved those things.\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/strong>\"BabyYou know the little cookies shaped like different animals of the circus or zoo type.\u00a0 <\/span>Give him one of those and he was happy for the time it took to gobble down the animal shaped delicacy.\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

One day, in a box of animal cookies I found a very unusual surprise.\u00a0 <\/span>Usually all of the cookies are machine cut into the various animal shapes but I found an uncut and uncensored tidbit.\u00a0 <\/span>This particular cookie was a combined buffalo and bear shape that had not been separated.\u00a0 <\/span>Normally that wouldn\u2019t be such a surprise but in this case the positioning of the buffalo over the bear made it look like the <\/span><\/strong>buffalo was performing an indecent act on the bear.\u00a0 <\/span>Maybe it was a decent act for all I know because in the animal kingdom I\u2019m sure they don\u2019t have the same hang-ups we have.\u00a0 <\/span>In fact the buffalo cookie had an ear shaped like a heart that made it look comically clear what he had on his mind.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t have a picture of what the cookie looked like.\u00a0 <\/span>I wish I did.\u00a0 <\/span>Needless to say, I set the cookie aside not because I didn\u2019t want my son to eat it but because I had a purpose in mind for that cookie.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m not a prude and it wouldn\u2019t have mattered if my son had eaten it because it was just a cookie after all.\u00a0 <\/span>My intentions for the cookie were for fame and notoriety or my 15 seconds in the spotlight.\u00a0 <\/span>I was going to send that cookie to David Letterman.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

If you don\u2019t know who David Letterman is, then you don\u2019t know late night television.\u00a0 <\/span>He\u2019s only had one of the top rated night-time talk shows for the last 20 years (probably more but I\u2019m not counting).\u00a0 <\/span>On his show he always has a top ten comical list and celebrity guests and humorous segments like stupid pet tricks and stupid human tricks.\u00a0 <\/span>I remember in 1995, Letterman propelled another Canadian to the heights of celebrity just because his name was Dick Assman.\u00a0 <\/span>I was sure that my cookie find would make me just as famous.\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

I carefully wrapped the cookie in layers of tissues and put it away in a small plastic food container.\u00a0 <\/span>I believe this was in 1995 or 1996.\u00a0 <\/span>This was before the Internet became so prevalent that you could find anything online; including the address to where you would send a cookie to David Letterman.\u00a0 <\/span>I was just waiting for the right time.\u00a0 <\/span>I told you I procrastinate.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

I cannot tell you why it took me ten years but it wasn\u2019t until 2005 that I actually got around to sending the cookie to David Letterman.\u00a0 <\/span>Part of it was, we had moved twice in that time and the container with the cookie had been misplaced a couple of times.\u00a0 <\/span>The other reason was simply that life happened.\u00a0 <\/span>Read my blahg \u201cWhen A Good Man Goes Missing\u201d and you\u2019ll see what happened during that time period.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Well, it was 2005 and I relocated the cookie and decided to finally send it to David Letterman.\u00a0 <\/span>I found the David Letterman show mailing address online, wrote a letter, packaged the cookie carefully and mailed it off.\u00a0 <\/span>Here\u2019s what the letter said:<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Wednesday, February 09, 2005<\/strong><\/p>\n

Mr. David Letterman,<\/strong><\/p>\n

Hi, enclosed pleased find a rather unusual animal cookie that I have been meaning to send you for some time.\u00a0 <\/span>It is unusual in more ways than one.\u00a0 <\/span>First, it is an unseparated animal cookie that appears to show a buffalo performing an indecent act (or a decent act, hey who am I to pass judgment) on a bear.\u00a0 <\/span>You will also notice that the buffalo has an ear shaped like a heart that makes it look comically like he has love on his mind.<\/strong><\/p>\n

The second reason why this animal cookie is unusual is that it is almost 10 years old.\u00a0 <\/span>I found this cookie in a box of animal cookies when my son was between one and two years old.\u00a0 <\/span>Next month, March 25th<\/sup>, my son will celebrate his 11th<\/sup> birthday.\u00a0 <\/span>I had put the cookie aside in the enclosed container with full intention of sending it to you but as things happen it was mislaid.\u00a0 <\/span>We have moved twice since my son was born and most recently this past December.\u00a0 <\/span>Of course in unpacking everything I came across the cookie again.\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s still intact and hopefully it has arrived that way.<\/strong><\/p>\n

I think it would be very funny if you ate this 10 year old cookie on your show.\u00a0 <\/span>After my son was born I took some time off to stay at home with him.\u00a0 <\/span>It was only to be a year but then it turned into four years.\u00a0 <\/span>One of the things that kept me going that whole time was the thought that maybe someday David Letterman would eat this cookie.\u00a0 <\/span>Of course I didn\u2019t imagine that it would be ten years before I actually got around to sending it to you.\u00a0 <\/span>If you decide to eat the cookie I have attached my top ten list of things you should consider when deciding to eat the cookie.<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

I also included what I thought was a humorous top ten list that I thought Letterman could read prior to eating the cookie:<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

TOP TEN THINGS TO CONSIDER WHEN DECIDING TO EAT THIS TEN YEAR OLD COOOKIE:<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

10\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span><\/span>It\u2019s an animal cookie and the law of the animal kingdom is eat or be eaten!<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

09\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span><\/span>No buffalo\u2019s going to get away with that on my watch!<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

08\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/span>Mr. Christie doesn\u2019t own me! \u00a0<\/span>Wait, Mr. Christie doesn\u2019t \u00a0<\/span>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 really own us do they? \u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/span>Can someone check on that!?<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

07\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span><\/span>The same goes for you Mrs Fields!<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

06\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/span>Hey, what\u2019s another quadruple bi-pass?<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

05\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/span>I\u2019m not really all that hungry, here Paul take half.\u00a0 <\/span>Hands off \u00a0<\/span>the Buffalo, I dibbsed it first!<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

04\u00a0\u00a0 Peas Porridge Hot, Peas Porridge Cold, Peas Porridge in the <\/span>Pot Nine Days Old doesn\u2019t sound half bad right now.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

03\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 N<\/span>ow if it was a Bear doing it to a Buffalo I wouldn\u2019t be having second thoughts right now.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

02\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span><\/span>Eat it?\u00a0 <\/span>I thought you said Ebay.\u00a0 <\/span>That grilled cheese sandwich went for $28,000 I bet this cookie would fetch 30 or 35\u2026bucks, easily.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

01\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span><\/span>Anybody got any 10-year-old milk lying around?<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Six months went by before I received a reply.\u00a0 <\/span>I don\u2019t still have the original letter that I received in response but I think it was a form-letter thanking me for my submission and no real excuse why David Letterman didn\u2019t eat my cookie.\u00a0 <\/span>I doubt that David Letterman even saw my cookie.\u00a0 <\/span>Probably some flunkie in the mail-room responded with the form-letter.\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/strong>\"David<\/span>Enclosed with the letter was a Late Night with David Letterman t-shirt and my container with the cookie.\u00a0 <\/span>Unfortunately when I opened the container, the cookie was broken.\u00a0 <\/span>So were my dreams of fame.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

David Letterman, you broke my cookie.\u00a0 <\/span>Maybe it wasn\u2019t you but someone on your staff broke my cookie.\u00a0 <\/span>But you’re the host of the show and you’re responsible for your staff.\u00a0 No wonder I suppressed that memory for the past five years.\u00a0 <\/span>Oh, Dick Assman can get on the show because he has a funny name but a little guy with a cookie can\u2019t get ahead in this lousy world.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m not bitter!<\/span><\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Needless to say, I don\u2019t have the cookie anymore.\u00a0 <\/span>I should have just eaten what was left of it.\u00a0 <\/span>By that time, my son was 11 and he wasn\u2019t going to eat an animal cookie he was denied ten years before.\u00a0 <\/span>I guess I don\u2019t blame him.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

…I\u2019ll close on a better note.\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s getting to be near Christmas, with tomorrow being the 1st of December.\u00a0 <\/span>I thought in my posts leading up to Christmas I would get around to that Poet\u2019s Corner I talked about in my very first blahg.\u00a0 <\/span>Here\u2019s a fun rambling that might make you smile and forget about your own broken cookies:<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

dear Santa<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

I was maybe nine<\/span><\/p>\n

when my parents<\/span><\/p>\n

up and told me<\/span><\/p>\n

there\u2019s no Santa Claus<\/span><\/p>\n

and I suspected<\/span><\/p>\n

at the time<\/span><\/p>\n

that they weren\u2019t<\/span><\/p>\n

bein\u2019 truthful \u2018bout that<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

but now<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m pretty sure<\/span><\/p>\n

they were<\/span><\/p>\n

mistaken<\/span><\/p>\n

\u2018cause I saw old Nick<\/span><\/p>\n

the other day<\/span><\/p>\n

at the mall<\/span><\/p>\n

and I can\u2019t help wonderin\u2019<\/span><\/p>\n

if he knows<\/span><\/p>\n

parents are tryin\u2019<\/span><\/p>\n

to suppress<\/span><\/p>\n

his existence<\/span><\/p>\n

all over<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

and why is that?<\/span><\/p>\n

what have parents got<\/span><\/p>\n

against Santa?<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

ya know it just might be<\/span><\/p>\n

that Nick\u2019s too powerful<\/span><\/p>\n

fer the average parent<\/span><\/p>\n

\u2018cause all year long<\/span><\/p>\n

moms and dads<\/span><\/p>\n

try to discipline<\/span><\/p>\n

their kids<\/span><\/p>\n

without success<\/span><\/p>\n

but ya mention<\/span><\/p>\n

Santa<\/span><\/p>\n

anywhere near Christmas<\/span><\/p>\n

and control is<\/span><\/p>\n

immediately established<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

and maybe that\u2019s it!<\/span><\/p>\n

maybe parents<\/span><\/p>\n

get their egos bruised<\/span><\/p>\n

by the idea<\/span><\/p>\n

of some<\/span><\/p>\n

white bearded old goat<\/span><\/p>\n

havin\u2019 more clout<\/span><\/p>\n

than them<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

and maybe that\u2019s why<\/span><\/p>\n

after eight or nine years<\/span><\/p>\n

the kids are told<\/span><\/p>\n

this lie<\/span><\/p>\n

about St. Nicholas<\/span><\/p>\n

bein\u2019 a myth<\/span><\/p>\n

so\u2019s parents can say<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cLISTEN UP,<\/span><\/p>\n

WE\u2019RE THE BOSS.<\/span><\/p>\n

THERE\u2019S NO SANTA<\/span><\/p>\n

JUST US<\/span><\/p>\n

AND YOU EITHER<\/span><\/p>\n

LIKE IT<\/span><\/p>\n

OR LUMP IT!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

but I\u2019m not sayin\u2019<\/span><\/p>\n

I disagree with<\/span><\/p>\n

this method<\/span><\/p>\n

\u2018cause at some point<\/span><\/p>\n

ya gotta outgrow<\/span><\/p>\n

the need for Santa Claus<\/span><\/p>\n

and ya gotta depend<\/span><\/p>\n

on the family<\/span><\/p>\n

and what they can do<\/span><\/p>\n

fer ya<\/span><\/p>\n

and ya\u2019ll be <\/span><\/p>\n

a better person<\/span><\/p>\n

more rounded<\/span><\/p>\n

not in the gut<\/span><\/p>\n

like Santa<\/span><\/p>\n

but in yer outlook<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

sure, the method\u2019s okay<\/span><\/p>\n

but what if<\/span><\/p>\n

ya reversed the order<\/span><\/p>\n

and said right off<\/span><\/p>\n

right at birth<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cKID YOU\u2019RE GONNA HEAR A LOT<\/span><\/p>\n

ABOUT THIS<\/span><\/p>\n

SANTA CLAUS<\/span><\/p>\n

BUT DON\u2019T BELIEVE IT.<\/span><\/p>\n

WE\u2019RE THE ONES<\/span><\/p>\n

YOU HAVE TO RESPECT.<\/span><\/p>\n

WE\u2019RE THE ONES<\/span><\/p>\n

WHO ARE<\/span><\/p>\n

LOOKING OUT FOR YOU.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

and maybe later<\/span><\/p>\n

when the kids are older<\/span><\/p>\n

and have lost<\/span><\/p>\n

all faith<\/span><\/p>\n

in mankind<\/span><\/p>\n

and have given up<\/span><\/p>\n

on anything magical<\/span><\/p>\n

ya set \u2018em straight<\/span><\/p>\n

\u2018bout Nick<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

ya tell \u2018em<\/span><\/p>\n

ya lied<\/span><\/p>\n

and there really is<\/span><\/p>\n

this St. Nicholas guy<\/span><\/p>\n

and he\u2019s alright<\/span><\/p>\n

and as long as<\/span><\/p>\n

they believe in him<\/span><\/p>\n

they\u2019ll be alright too<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

and wouldn\u2019t it be easier<\/span><\/p>\n

that way?<\/span><\/p>\n

wouldn\u2019t it be nicer<\/span><\/p>\n

to know<\/span><\/p>\n

ya haven\u2019t ruined<\/span><\/p>\n

yer kid\u2019s entire life?<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

sure tell \u2018em \u2018bout Santa<\/span><\/p>\n

and they\u2019ll pass the word<\/span><\/p>\n

and they\u2019ll believe<\/span><\/p>\n

and behave<\/span><\/p>\n

and ya\u2019ll have<\/span><\/p>\n

no more problems<\/span><\/p>\n

in discipline<\/span><\/p>\n

if ya use Nick\u2019s name<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u2018cept maybe \u2018round Easter<\/span><\/p>\n

when his moniker<\/span><\/p>\n

brings no pull<\/span><\/p>\n

whatsoever<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Okay, it\u2019s been a while since my last blahg.\u00a0 If it\u2019s one thing you should know about me, it\u2019s that I\u2019m a procrastinator.\u00a0 Oh, I have good intentions and left to my own schedule I will eventually get to it; whatever \u201cit\u201d is.\u00a0 In this case, the \u201cit\u201d is a ten year old cookie. I […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/falseducks.com\/theblahg\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/falseducks.com\/theblahg\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/falseducks.com\/theblahg\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/falseducks.com\/theblahg\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/falseducks.com\/theblahg\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=10"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/falseducks.com\/theblahg\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7224,"href":"http:\/\/falseducks.com\/theblahg\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10\/revisions\/7224"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/falseducks.com\/theblahg\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=10"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/falseducks.com\/theblahg\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=10"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/falseducks.com\/theblahg\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=10"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}