{"id":4989,"date":"2021-07-28T22:55:26","date_gmt":"2021-07-28T16:55:26","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/falseducks.com\/theblahg\/?p=4989"},"modified":"2024-06-25T02:17:04","modified_gmt":"2024-06-24T20:17:04","slug":"whats-so-funny","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/falseducks.com\/theblahg\/?p=4989","title":{"rendered":"WHAT’S SO FUNNY?"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 There are many things that strike me as funny.\"Scott I’m a bit of an odd duck when it comes to comedy.\u00a0 I actually wanted to write a book called “Odd Ducks.”\u00a0 It was going to be part of a trilogy of books with the word “Duck” in the title but none of them would be related.\u00a0 About 20+ years ago I wrote my novel “False Ducks”, which is unpublished, about a radio sketch comedy group.\u00a0 You can read samples of it at http:\/\/www.falseducks.com\/false\/falsies.html<\/a>.\u00a0 I started a second book entitled “Odd Ducks” about a woman who accidentally gets left behind on the highway when her husband stops at\u00a0 a rest-stop on the highway and drives away without checking to see that his wife, sleeping in the back seat, is no longer there.\u00a0 It’s based on a true incident.\u00a0 Here’s what I wrote on it:\u00a0 <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

ODD DUCKS<\/strong><\/h4>\n

by Scott Henderson<\/strong><\/h4>\n

<\/h4>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0If Donald had only kept on driving, if Donald had only stopped at a full service gas station, if Donald hadn’t had the Big Gulp at the last rest stop, if Donald had have approached his car from the rear, if Donald hadn’t been so hell bent on getting back on the road, if Donald had have taken a cursory glance in the back, if Aunt Maisie hadn’t dropped dead in the middle Sunday dinner, if the new job didn’t pay so much, if Clara hadn’t insisted on sleeping in the back, if Jenny had have exhibited a little more teenage angst and insisted on the back seat for herself and further if Jenny had have given a rat’s ass about anyone else for even one moment, if Clara had a stronger bladder, if Clara had have left some note or sign to flag Donald’s attention that she left the car shortly after him then maybe, just maybe, and still that was a long shot outside chance, then maybe none of what followed would have followed.<\/h4>\n

<\/h4>\n

<\/h4>\n

Thursday\u00a0 5:45 a.m.<\/strong><\/h4>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0Clara managed to exit the Curly Q just in time to see Donald drive away.\u00a0 She had been left behind.<\/h4>\n

<\/h4>\n

<\/h4>\n

The Previous Sunday 8:14 p.m.<\/strong><\/h4>\n

Clara let the phone ring 3 times before picking it up.\u00a0 If Donald had been home he would have barked at her after the first and she’d have answered it.\u00a0 Donald hated hearing the phone go past one ring.\u00a0 “It might be important,” he’d say.\u00a0 “Someone might have died or something,” he’d add.\u00a0 His mind ran that way.<\/h4>\n

Donald was out though.\u00a0 He’d gone for a walk.\u00a0 Oh, he didn’t fool Clara, he was smoking again.\u00a0 He always smoked when things changed.\u00a0 Donald was like a smoke stack when he was nervous and he was nervous when the routine of his life was altered in any way.<\/h4>\n

Donald was up for a new job.\u00a0 He was being considered for the position of Media Relations person for Dynaco Nuclear Electric.\u00a0 It was a big step up from Safety Engineer but that’s what the bigwigs at Dynaco wanted.\u00a0 They wanted someone who knew what they were talking about and could translate that knowledge into a well meaning but believable pack of lies about the better quality of life to be derived from Nuclear energy.\u00a0 In other words Dynaco wanted a good liar.<\/h4>\n

Jenny would have answered the phone if it had been for her.\u00a0 The fact that it rang more than once meant it wasn’t for Jenny.\u00a0 Camped out in her room, Jenny would have rolled over to glance at the call display screen and then just as quickly would have rolled back in total disinterest.\u00a0 Jenny was 15, that was the only explanation necessary.<\/h4>\n

Clara tossed aside the book she’d been reading and picked up the phone.<\/h4>\n

“Hello,” she said in her best someone might have died answering voice.<\/h4>\n

“Clara?”, the voice on the other end asked before continuing.\u00a0 “Aunt Maisie’s dead.\u00a0 She dropped dead right before dessert.\u00a0 It’s awful.\u00a0 There’s gravy everywhere.\u00a0 She took a seizure and fell right over.\u00a0 There’s gravy everywhere.\u00a0 And I’d baked such a beautiful cake too.\u00a0 Right out of Cottage Living magazine.”<\/h4>\n

“Abbey,” Clara broke in.\u00a0 “Slow down.\u00a0 What happened?”<\/h4>\n

“Well, there’s gravy everywhere if that gives you a clue,” Abbey continued. \u00a0“We were eating dinner, you know, a nice family dinner, mom and dad over and they drop by with Aunt Maisie, well I don’t mind because she is family and she does have money,\u00a0 but to drop dead right before dessert and with such a nice cake waiting straight form Cottage Living Magazine.”\u00a0 Abbey paused for a breath.<\/h4>\n

During the brief intermission Clara switched the phone to her other ear.\u00a0 Abbey was not only talking quickly she was stuck on a higher volume.<\/h4>\n

“Well, the ambulance attendants said it must have been an aneurism or a burst blood vessel or some little thing but Albert thinks she choked on a lump in the gravy but that can’t be because I strained the gravy.\u00a0 You remember how mom always strained the gravy and we said mom you don’t need to strain the gravy but she kept on straining it, well now I strain the gravy because it makes it smoother and I guess mom was right and Albert was wrong.\u00a0 Watch the gravy, don’t track it all over the carpet Albert!”\u00a0 Abbey was shouting this last piece of direction to someone else.<\/h4>\n

“Abbey,” Clara tried to interject.<\/h4>\n

“Don’t worry Clara I’ll save the cake for the funeral.\u00a0 It’ll keep for a few days.\u00a0 You will come though won’t you?\u00a0 I’d hate to have such a nice cake go to waste on just Albert and I.\u00a0 Albert doesn’t really need it you know, the poor dear, he’s gained fifteen pounds since last Christmas.\u00a0 Nothing, Albert dear, I’m just talking to Clara about poor Aunt Maisie.\u00a0 Mind that gravy Albert” Abbey said aside.\u00a0 “You wouldn’t know it but there are beets in the cake.\u00a0 That’s what it is.\u00a0 It’s a Chocolate Beet Cake right from this month’s Cottage Living Magazine.\u00a0 Of course they’re canned beets, you have to have the syrup to make the cake.\u00a0 You are coming aren’t you Clara?”\u00a0 Abbey halted abruptly.<\/h4>\n

Clara switched the phone back to her original ear.\u00a0 Abbey was starting to give her a headache too.<\/h4>\n

“How’s mom?”, Clara thought to ask.\u00a0 Aunt Maisie was actually Great Aunt Maisie because she was their mother’s aunt.<\/h4>\n

“As well as can be expected.\u00a0 Oh I know she’s disappointed about the cake and I’m sure she feels responsible.\u00a0 After all she was the one who practically dragged poor Aunt Maisie here tonight.\u00a0 You know I was just saying to Albert after she died that she didn’t look at all well.\u00a0 But you didn’t say if you were coming Clara.”\u00a0 Nothing got past Abbey.<\/h4>\n

“To the funeral?”<\/h4>\n

“Of course, I didn’t mean for dinner.\u00a0 It’s too late for that and even if you did come I don’t think it would be appropriate to eat the cake.”<\/h4>\n

“When?”<\/h4>\n

“After the funeral of course.\u00a0 Everyone will be absolutely famished.\u00a0 They always are at funerals.\u00a0 I’ll have to make some sandwiches and you can bring that marvellous potato salad with the peas in it.\u00a0 Better plan on a dozen people.\u00a0 It will be a small intimate luncheon.\u00a0 We won’t invite just everyone.\u00a0 I only have the one bathroom downstairs and I certainly don’t want everyone traipsing through the house to the one on the second level.\u00a0 I just wont’ have it.”<\/h4>\n

“When’s the funeral I mean?”\u00a0 Clara was trying hard to keep pace with her sister.<\/h4>\n

“Oh I don’t know, what’s good for you?\u00a0 Please don’t say Tuesday though because I have to have the carpets cleaned and I know on such short notice I’m not going to be able to get anyone in here until Tuesday.\u00a0 Does gravy stain?\u00a0 Wednesday’s probably best but definitely not Thursday.\u00a0 Thursday, Albert and I have counselling.”\u00a0 Abbey lowered her voice to a whisper before continuing.\u00a0 “Sex, Clara.\u00a0 I insisted on the sessions.\u00a0 Albert simply doesn’t want to do…well you know, not that I want to either really but we should be doing something I suppose, after all we are married and there are the children and we wouldn’t want them to grow up strange because Albert and I weren’t perfect role models.”<\/h4>\n

“Abbey, I think you better let mom and dad make the arrangements for Aunt Maisie.”\u00a0 Clara couldn’t possibly imagine what was going through Abbey’s head.\u00a0 Here she was babbling on about her petty little life while everyone else was probably very upset over Aunt Maisie.\u00a0 Clara didn’t enjoy conversations with her sister and any kind of visit was always strenuous.<\/h4>\n

Abbey and Albert lived in Niagara Falls.\u00a0 It was far enough away from Ottawa, where Clara and Donald lived, which was alright by Clara and even more alright by Donald.\u00a0 Donald could not stand Abbey and could tolerate Albert only somewhat.\u00a0 They did not spend holidays together.\u00a0 Since Clara and Donald had married they’d only visited a handful of times.<\/h4>\n

“I hope mother’s cousin Dillard isn’t invited to the funeral.\u00a0 He’s absolutely uneducated and that wife of his has to be at least ten years younger than him.\u00a0 What was he thinking taking such a young bride?\u00a0 I mean really Abbey, you would think the man could find someone more his own age.\u00a0 Well at least she has manners which is more than I can say for mother’s cousin Dillard.\u00a0 Then there’s those twins of theirs.\u00a0 Unmarried at their age and absolutely no good looks to speak of.\u00a0 That’s totally unacceptable in two bachelors still living at home in their early forties.\u00a0 There’s some genetic flaw somewhere that’s married into the family. \u00a0Oh I just dread the thought of mother’s cousin Dillard anywhere near me.”<\/h4>\n

Clara thought back to her last visit with her sister.\u00a0 Albert and Abbey had stopped by on their way to Montreal for a convention of Amusement Museum Managers.\u00a0 That was Albert’s occupation.\u00a0 He managed two very successful tourist museums in Niagara Falls and had been positively written up in several of the well circulated tourism magazines including Cottage Living Magazine.<\/h4>\n

On that trip Albert and Abbey had only been in the house twenty minutes before Donald had to feign some excuse which allowed him to nip down the block and have a cigarette.\u00a0 Clara always knew when Donald was smoking and she didn’t blame him a bit when it came to visits with Albert and Abbey.\u00a0 Clara would have indulged herself if she smoke but instead she would usually sneak a drink during a bathroom break in the visit and would come back that much more pleasant to her sister and her husband.<\/h4>\n

And Abbey’s children were no better.\u00a0 Clara wondered why Abbey went on about mother’s cousin Dillard’s twin boys when she had twin terrors of her own.\u00a0 Not that Abbey saw them as anything other than angels.\u00a0 “Fallen angels, is more like it,” Donald would always says later.\u00a0 “Those two brats of hers would give Satan a run for his money.”\u00a0 Donald always exaggerated but in this case he was closer to the truth.<\/h4>\n

Alexander and Andrew were ten going on twenty-five to life.\u00a0 Arson, extortion, theft, profanity and cruelty toward animals were some of their more minor vices.\u00a0 They’d never been convicted by their mother however.<\/h4>\n

“And the way they dress.\u00a0 None of them have any fashion sense.\u00a0 There’s more to life than denim.\u00a0 I just won’t have them at the funeral is all and certainly not at my home.\u00a0 The Chocolate Beet cake right out of Cottage Living Magazine would not be safe around them.”<\/h4>\n

And Alex and Andy were fat.\u00a0 Abbey always said well fed but they were still fat.\u00a0 Spoiled rotten on candy and treats.\u00a0 Bribery no doubt for good behavior; promises never kept by the twins.<\/h4>\n

“And their car.\u00a0 Can you imagine that thing in the funeral procession?\u00a0 I would die.\u00a0 I would just die.”<\/h4>\n

Clara cradled the phone between her ear and her shoulder and rubbed awkwardly at her temples.\u00a0 It was then that Donald walked in.<\/h4>\n

Clara immediately smelled the distinct aroma of peppermints and cigarettes.<\/h4>\n

\u201cIs that for me?\u201d he asked, gesturing with a free hand toward the phone.\u00a0 In his other hand was a bag of peppermints and a magazine.<\/h4>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s Abbey.\u201d<\/h4>\n

\u201cWho\u2019s died this time?\u201d<\/h4>\n

Clara just stared at him.\u00a0 This wasn\u2019t unusual for Donald.\u00a0 He always said that Abbey only called when someone died or that she wanted to boast about some contribution that Albert had made to the betterment of Amusement Museums everywhere.\u00a0 Actually Abbey had never called before about someone dying but Donald and Clara had tired of Albert\u2019s unending string of new exhibits that always, according to Abbey, rocked the establishment of Amusement Museums right down to their wax foundations.<\/h4>\n

\u201cAunt Masie died, right in the middle of Sunday dinner.\u201d<\/h4>\n

\u201cAnd there\u2019s an article in there too about Albert\u2019s new Hindenberg exhibit.\u00a0 Albert says this is the one that will put them over the top.\u00a0 He says this one will rock the establishment right down to their wax foundations.\u201d\u00a0 Abbey had switched topics again in that moment she had spoken to Donald.<\/h4>\n

\u201cYour Great Aunt Masie?\u00a0 God, what happened?\u201d\u00a0 Donald was striking the magazine against the side of his leg.\u00a0 He always did this when caught off guard with a rolled up magazine in his hand.<\/h4>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know,\u201d Clara said.\u00a0 \u201cSomething about an aneurysm and gravy and now something about Albert\u2019s new Hindenberg exhibit.\u201d<\/h4>\n

Donald stopped striking the magazine against his leg and tossed it into Clara\u2019s lap.\u00a0 \u201cYeah, I know.\u00a0 It\u2019s in the new Cottage Living magazine I bought you down at the store.\u00a0 There\u2019s also an interesting recipe in there for a Chocolate Beet Cake we should try.\u201d<\/h4>\n

<\/h4>\n

———————<\/h4>\n

Chapter Two<\/strong><\/h4>\n

Thursday\u00a0 5:45 a.m.<\/strong><\/h4>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/h4>\n

Clara managed to exit the Curly Q just in time to see Donald drive away.\u00a0 She had been left behind.<\/h4>\n

Clara did not break into a mad run, nor flail her arms about wildly, nor call frantically after Donald.\u00a0 She just stood there blinking…and wondering.\u00a0 Wondering if maybe she shouldn\u2019t break into a mad run, or flail her arms about wildly, or call frantically after Donald.\u00a0 By the time she realized a combination of all three was best, it was too late.\u00a0 Donald and the car were already out of sight.<\/h4>\n

Clara just stood there blinking.\u00a0 And then very slowly she began to rub her eyes and tried to wake herself up.\u00a0 This had always worked before.\u00a0 She remembered times like this, not being left behind at a Curly Q on the highway, but times when she knew instinctively she was asleep and that if she tried hard enough she could wake herself up but that when she woke up she was always disappointed to learn later that she hadn\u2019t really been awake and that she had only dreamed she had managed to wake herself up.\u00a0 This was like those times, she thought, except she was at a Curly Q on the highway and Donald had left her behind.<\/h4>\n

Rubbing her eyes did not help.\u00a0 And she did not wake up.\u00a0 She decided she must really be awake and that the logical thing to do was to tell someone she had been stranded here at the Curly Q.<\/h4>\n

So Clara walked up to the Curly Q drive-through menu sign and said in clear voice \u201cI\u2019ve been left behind here at the Curly Q\u201d, and without thinking she added \u201cand a Curly Q Dodger, please.\u201d<\/h4>\n

Several seconds passed before the menu barked at her in a barely audible but clearly disinterested voice.\u00a0 \u201cWelcome to the Curly Q, home of the Dodger, may I take your order?\u201d<\/h4>\n

Clara blinked again but with resolution repeated herself.\u00a0 \u201cYes, I\u2019ve just been left behind,\u201d and again without thinking, \u201cand a Curly Q Dodger, please.\u201d<\/h4>\n

\u201cThe grill closed at 5:30.\u00a0 Will there be anything else?\u201d<\/h4>\n

Again Clara blinked.\u00a0 That\u2019s odd, she thought, the menu doesn\u2019t say anything about the grill closing at 5:30.\u00a0 She peered closely, blinking, at the picture of the Curly Q Dodger.\u00a0 It looked like all of the pictures on the menu except that on top it seemed to have something that looked suspiciously like cheese without clearly resembling cheese.<\/h4>\n

\u201cYour sign doesn\u2019t say the grill closes at 5:30.\u201d Clara spoke clearly into a small mesh hole that looked like a place where you spoke into if you wanted to order something or question why the menu didn\u2019t say anything about the grill closing at 5:30 in the morning.<\/h4>\n

The voice spoke again, in another barely audible but clearly disinterested voice, from the small mesh hole where orders were taken or complaints was lodged.\u00a0 \u201cThe grill closes at 5:30 to begin preparation for the breakfast menu.\u201d<\/h4>\n

Clara blinked and glanced around at the huge sign and found the small breakfast menu printed on the right.<\/h4>\n

\u201cOkay then, I\u2019ll have a Curly Q Breakfast Dodger,\u201d Clara said in a very determined voice, \u201cand I\u2019ve been left behind and need to use your phone.\u201d\u00a0 Clara wasn\u2019t sure whom she should call.\u00a0 She just wanted out of the drive-through and back into her car.<\/h4>\n

The disembodied voice of the mesh hole droned again.\u00a0 \u201cThe breakfast menu is not available until six a.m.\u00a0 Will there be anything else?\u201d<\/h4>\n

Clara poked at the mesh hole.\u00a0 She wasn\u2019t sure if it was that the grill had closed at 5:30 and that the sign did not state that the grill closed at 5:30 or that the breakfast menu wasn\u2019t available until six or that she had failed to noticed the small letters that stated that the breakfast menu was only served between six and ten or that Donald had left her behind but she was beginning to feel very upset.\u00a0 \u201cYou don\u2019t understand, I\u2019ve been left behind and I don\u2019t really care if your grill closed at 5:30 or that the breakfast menu isn\u2019t available until six.\u00a0 I want to get back in my car and I want the largest coffee you\u2019re allowed to sell by law!\u201d\u00a0 She really did want the largest coffee they were allowed to sell by law.<\/h4>\n

\u201cThank you, please pull ahead.\u201d\u00a0 Did Clara detect even more disinterest in the barely audible voice from the small mesh hole?<\/h4>\n

Clara walked around the sign, following the arrow markings on the pavement, and up to a sliding window.<\/h4>\n

The window slid upwards and a young girl not much older than Jenny stared straight ahead at something on a computerized screen and said, in that clearly disinterested voice, \u201cthat\u2019ll be a dollar thirty-five.\u201d\u00a0 Then the young girl turned, looked at Clara, and blinked.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m sorry, the drive-through is for vehicles only.\u00a0 The restaurant is open for pedestrian convenience.\u201d\u00a0 The window slid closed.\u00a0 Obviously at the Curly Q, a pedestrian in the drive-through was not an uncommon occurrence.<\/h4>\n

I also wanted to write a story called “Peeking Duck.”\u00a0 I know, you’re thinking that I meant to say “Peking Duck” about the food delicacy but I spelled mine to reflect the story.\u00a0 It was going to be about a filmmaker who goes undercover with a homeless person and loses himself in that world.\u00a0 Thus the title, “Peeking Duck.”\u00a0 I thought I had never written anything on that but I recently found a synopsis I had put together:<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Peeking Duck<\/h4>\n

This is a story idea about a documentary film maker\u00a0 who films a street guy named Larry he used to go to school with.\u00a0 Written in first person.\u00a0 The twist is at the end another documentary maker goes out to film a street guy that turns out to be the film maker.\u00a0 \u201cStanding next to Larry was the ugliest guy I\u2019d ever seen with no neck.\u00a0 His head was attached directly to his shoulders.\u00a0 If he hadn\u2019t been standing there, Larry would have been the ugliest guy I\u2019d ever seen.\u201d<\/h4>\n

Maybe someday, I’ll get back to these two stories.\u00a0 <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0I had been struggling to come up with an idea for a blahg this week when I came across a printed error that struck me as very humorous and inspired this blahg.\u00a0 As I have noted before, I post daily THIS DATE IN SINATRA HISTORY logs to other Sinatra fans.\u00a0 One of today’s entries was “July 23rd, 1992 Sands, Atlantic City, New Jersey.”\u00a0 I usually try to include clippings of reviews or advertisements but today I found the following notice that inspired me for this blahg:\u00a0 <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

\"Frank<\/a><\/p>\n

In case you didn’t catch it, Frank Sinatra is billed as a Comedian.\u00a0 Yes, Frank Sinatra, Comedian, with such great jokes as “Did You Hear The One About The Traveling Salesman?”, “Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road,” and “What Time Is It When An Elephant Sits On Your Watch?”\u00a0 In fact, some of Frank Sinatra’s song titles could be the basis for comedy routines:\u00a0 “Everything Happens To Me,” “That’s Life,” “Somethin’ Stupid,” and “How Little We Know.”\u00a0 Of course you might get some traction out of a routine called “My Way.”\u00a0 So why was there this mistake in billing?\u00a0 If I expand the original advertisement, you will see that there was someone else appearing at the Sands on that date in 1992:\u00a0 <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

\"Ealine<\/a><\/p>\n

Elayne Boosler was a top comedian in the 1980s and 1990s.\u00a0 I think she was the one that was supposed to be billed as Comedian at the Sands.\u00a0 Here’s an early appearance of her on the Merv Griffin show:\u00a0 <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n