{"id":8,"date":"2011-10-26T22:35:08","date_gmt":"2011-10-26T16:35:08","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/falseducks.com\/theblahg\/?p=8"},"modified":"2011-10-26T22:35:08","modified_gmt":"2011-10-26T16:35:08","slug":"when-a-good-man-goes-missing","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/falseducks.com\/theblahg\/?p=8","title":{"rendered":"WHEN A GOOD MAN GOES MISSING"},"content":{"rendered":"

<\/span><\/strong>It has been more than three weeks since I last posted a blahg.\u00a0 What has happened?\u00a0 Life has happened.\u00a0 Canadian Thanksgiving was in there.\u00a0 I had to take my daughter back to school in Toronto.\u00a0 My son had a medical appointment in Peterborough.\u00a0 I was away in Niagara Falls for my niece’s wedding.\u00a0 Time was very busy and when I sat down to write a blahg, I found I had many other things needed doing.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

So all of these raised a few questions for me about what I’m doing and why I’m so busy.\u00a0 There was one question though that I thought needed answering above all others.\u00a0 That question is the subject of this blahg.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

HAVE YOU SEEN ME? <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

I don’t mean the guy to the right with the white hair.\u00a0 <\/span><\/strong>\"ScottThat guy’s been around for a long time and he seems to be trying to fill in for me.\u00a0 Oh, it’s a nice picture and all but, well, it’s not me.\u00a0 He looks like me around the eyes and the eyebrows are the right colour but he’s certainly not me.\u00a0 <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

The fellow I’m looking for is a lot younger looking and has dark hair.\u00a0 <\/span><\/strong>\"ScottLook at the picture to the left.\u00a0 That’s the guy I’m looking for.\u00a0 Where am I?\u00a0 <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

This isn’t one of those Where’s Waldo questions.\u00a0 It’s not like you can look at a crowd of people and spot me right away.\u00a0 I’ve gone missing.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

That’s me in younger days in my last year of High School.\u00a0 Now, there was a guy’s guy.\u00a0 Look at those sideburns!\u00a0 That white headed guy doesn’t have sideburns.\u00a0 How can you be me without sideburns? <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

I remember me.\u00a0 I was so sure of everything and fresh with potential and waiting for the world to discover me.\u00a0 Maybe that’s what happened.\u00a0 Maybe I went out into the world and was discovered.\u00a0 Now I just want to be rediscovered.\u00a0 Where am I? <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Look at this other picture <\/span><\/strong>\"Scotta few years later.\u00a0 There’s that unmistakeable dark hair and a faint glimpse at those sideburns.\u00a0 That guy never worried about anything.\u00a0 He never lay awake wondering where his children are or how a bill would get paid or how a blahg was going to get written.\u00a0 Graduating from University, he was ready for anything.\u00a0 What happened to him?
\n<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Let’s move a few years on.\u00a0 <\/span><\/strong>I look at this picture and I begin to see me fading.\u00a0 <\/span><\/strong>\"Scott<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

I see the sideburns beginning to shrink.\u00a0 Those sideburns used to be below the ear.\u00a0 Now look at them, they don’t even reach the bottom of the lobe!\u00a0 Is the woman to blame?\u00a0 That’s my future wife, Jeanette.\u00a0 Did she make me disappear? Look at my arm, I’m wearing a watch for crying out loud!\u00a0 So it starts there.\u00a0 I begin to mark the passage of time.\u00a0 I have appointments and commitments and other things to keep track of.\u00a0 But can you blame the female?\u00a0 He looks pretty willing to me.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

So we start a life together.\u00a0 Maybe it’s that word ‘together’.\u00a0 Where’s the individual?\u00a0 Where’s that guy who could go where he wanted and when he wanted and never looked at watches and clocks?\u00a0 It’s not just the sideburns shrinking but that guy’s ability to be him without having to worry about anyone else.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

When did I start worrying about others?\u00a0 It couldn’t just be Jeanette’s fault.\u00a0 <\/span><\/strong>\"ScottHere’s me, married.\u00a0 Where’s the sideburns?\u00a0 Is that white creeping into the hair or is it the sunlight?\u00a0 It is an outdoor picture, after all.\u00a0 I can’t even see this guy anymore. <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

So I got married, and I got a job.\u00a0 Oh, I had jobs before I got married.\u00a0 I worked in a restaurant and at a gas station.\u00a0 I worked whatever hours I wanted.\u00a0 But you can’t support a family on that.\u00a0 So I got a real job.\u00a0 <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Look at my identification card.\u00a0 <\/span><\/strong>\"ScottThis was taken barely a year after I was married.\u00a0 Now, I’m a Child Care Worker.\u00a0 I didn’t need a certificate or diploma proving I was one.\u00a0 The advertisement said Bachelor of Arts or equivalent.\u00a0 Hey, I had that.\u00a0 No sideburns, striped shirt, but I look happy enough.\u00a0 I’m making more money than I made as a gas jockey.\u00a0 I still have bangs.\u00a0 <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

I work in a group-home for a couple of years with “emotionally disturbed adolescents” (that’s what the advertisement said) and I have professional friends and I’m well liked.\u00a0 After a couple of years, I think I’m spinning my wheels with these youth because more of them keep coming.\u00a0 I begin to get unhappy because I think we’re not addressing the underlying issue why there are so many troubled teens.\u00a0 The smile on the identification card fades like the sideburns.\u00a0 I stay with the same organization but I move to their school program and now I’m called a Teacher Therapist.\u00a0 I always wanted to be a Teacher.\u00a0 Jeanette’s a Teacher.\u00a0 (It’s not a competition.)\u00a0 I need a day job now because we’re thinking about children of our own.\u00a0 I can’t work evenings and weekends all the time.\u00a0 I can’t do sleepovers at the home.\u00a0 I have more responsibilities.\u00a0 I’m disappearing further into this married man persona.\u00a0 <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Then, Emily is born.\u00a0 <\/span><\/strong>\"EmilyJeanette and I have been married for three years.\u00a0 Now it’s no longer me.\u00a0 It’s no longer me or her or us.\u00a0 It’s us plus ad-infinitum.\u00a0 And there’s more white hair!\u00a0 <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

I keep on teaching and we move to a bigger apartment.\u00a0 My professional friends from the home start to have babies and then there’s play dates.\u00a0 What happened to my play dates?\u00a0 I used to hang out with the guys.\u00a0 Well, I went out once with them.\u00a0 But you get the point!\u00a0 I’m co-joined.\u00a0 I’m still wearing a watch but now I’m carrying around baby pictures.\u00a0 <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Emily gets bigger and that white haired guy starts to show up more.\u00a0 <\/span><\/strong>\"EmilyI’ve completely forgotten about the sideburns.\u00a0 They’re a distant memory…like the dark hair.\u00a0 <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Five years with one company is enough.\u00a0 We’re living north of Toronto and I’ve been commuting for three years into the City.\u00a0 All of our real friends are two hours to the east, in Belleville.\u00a0 Goodbye to the city me.\u00a0 I can’t be that guy anymore.\u00a0 I’ve got to move and move on.\u00a0 <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

We move back to Belleville and are reunited with friends and family.\u00a0 We’re happier.\u00a0 I’m not wearing ties but I begin to change on the inside.\u00a0 I get a job managing a homeless shelter.\u00a0 I begin to be aware of social issues.\u00a0 I’m finally seeing those systemic issues that were producing all of those damaged kids.\u00a0 Other people’s problems are bigger than mine and I care more about the big wide world.\u00a0 I can’t be selfish or petty.\u00a0 Who I am is not important compared to those around me.\u00a0 I’ve got to change the world.\u00a0 <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

The story goes on from there.\u00a0 I change jobs a couple more times but it’s always on to something that wants me too look away from myself.\u00a0 I’m an anti-poverty activist.\u00a0 I work with mentally challenged adults.\u00a0 <\/span><\/strong>\"NoahMy son is born and now I’m just a quarter. <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Cutbacks start to occur where I work and I’m let go.\u00a0 It doesn’t matter how much you care about the other guy when there’s not enough money in the company to keep you.\u00a0 So now I’m unemployed.\u00a0 I’m needed but they can’t afford to keep me.\u00a0 I look for another opportunity.\u00a0 Someone must need me somewhere.\u00a0 They do or he does.\u00a0 Noah needs me.\u00a0 So I become a stay at home dad.\u00a0 <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

The intention was to stay at home for a year.\u00a0 This would help Jeanette out as she was only supply-teaching now after having the baby.\u00a0 She started to pick up more long term contracts while I was at home.\u00a0 Emily needed me too.\u00a0 She would be starting school in a year so I could spend more time with her and help her get ready.\u00a0 No more time for me.\u00a0 We move from renting an apartment to renting a house.\u00a0 We live in the country.\u00a0 We have two cats.\u00a0 <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

A year goes by.\u00a0 Emily goes off to school every other day.\u00a0 It’s just Noah and me.\u00a0 He has naps and I try to write.\u00a0 Bryan, Steve and I start a radio sketch comedy show called “Dead From The Neck Up”.\u00a0 (click on image for larger picture)\u00a0 <\/span><\/strong>\"Dead<\/a>We get written up.\u00a0 Once in a local newspaper.\u00a0 Once by the Station Manager who suspends us for a week for making fun of the Mayor’s hair.\u00a0 Who knew she was on the board of the radio station?\u00a0 I can only get to the studio when Jeanette’s home.\u00a0 Sometime she’s not and I have to reschedule…a lot.\u00a0 It’s a brilliant show but nobody’s listening.\u00a0 We’re off the air.\u00a0 I write a book, “False Ducks”, based somewhat on our radio show career.\u00a0 Nobody wants to publish it.\u00a0 Two years have gone by.\u00a0 Three years have gone by.\u00a0 <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

I start to volunteer on a Board for a Social Planning Council.\u00a0 I’m still trying to keep tuned to all of the issues that will help me change the world if I can find a babysitter.\u00a0 Nobody wants to be the Board President so I volunteer.\u00a0 I get to go to meetings out of town sometimes.\u00a0 More professional colleagues.\u00a0 A fourth year has gone by and I’m still at home.\u00a0 Volunteering doesn’t pay the bills.\u00a0 I’m a torn person.\u00a0 I’m never alone.\u00a0 Children need me.\u00a0 My wife needs me.\u00a0 I need me but can’t find the time to find myself.\u00a0 By now, I begin to see I’m lost.\u00a0 <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

A friend gets me a job with construction.\u00a0 I hate it.\u00a0 Long hours and I’m not at home much.\u00a0 Jeanette is off for the summer but I hardly get to see her.\u00a0 Fourteen hour days but I’m making some money.\u00a0 I’m far from the world issues I need to address.\u00a0 It lasts for two months.\u00a0 Unemployed again.\u00a0 Jeanette is pregnant again.\u00a0 When did I find the time?\u00a0 <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

I’m still Board President but I help to write a proposal that will create funding for two positions to address quality of life issues.\u00a0 I quit the Board, after 4 years, and become an employee of the agency.\u00a0 <\/span><\/strong>\"AbbieAbbie is born.\u00a0 I’m now one fifth.\u00a0 <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

I don’t know when it started to happen but Jeanette and I started to leave the picture.\u00a0 I mean it.\u00a0 Where are the pictures of Jeanette and I?\u00a0 Are we always behind the camera?\u00a0 Am I in the picture but crowded out of the frame?\u00a0 I’m no longer front and center.\u00a0 I’m not even side by side.\u00a0 <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

I’m working next as a Community Developer and setting my own schedule so I can put Emily & Noah on the school bus and be there when they get home after school.\u00a0 Abbie goes to my mother during the day.\u00a0 I have a vasectomy.\u00a0 I know, too much information but Jeanette convinces me it’s the right thing to do.\u00a0 Something else to miss.\u00a0 The job is good and I create reports and programs to deal with hunger and poverty and housing.\u00a0 Professionally, this is as good as it gets.\u00a0 Three more years go by.\u00a0 <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Funding runs out and I’m unemployed again…but not for long.\u00a0 Other professionals want me for short term contracts so I work organizing an environmental conference on waste and waste reduction.\u00a0 Then it’s on to another homelessness project and another stellar report that goes nowhere.\u00a0 Funding dries up again and I’m unemployed once more.\u00a0 I count it all up and I’ve had ten jobs in 17 years.\u00a0 Now it all stops.\u00a0 I’m at home with Abbie and she’s getting ready to go off to school.\u00a0 Jeanette is working full-time.\u00a0 It’s more than I can say.\u00a0 We buy a house.\u00a0 <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Somewhere in there I worry about not writing.\u00a0 It’s been more than ten years since I wrote “False Ducks”.\u00a0 I have written many short stories and poems.\u00a0 Maybe it’s time to collect them all.\u00a0 <\/span><\/strong>\"ProofSo I write a novella, “Proof For Believing” and collect every Christmas item I’ve ever written, scrape together some money, and self publish.\u00a0 The cover is beautiful and Emily, who’s 16 by this time, designs the cover.\u00a0 It’s a labour of love.\u00a0 It sells 20 copies.\u00a0 There’s more in boxes in my closet.\u00a0 I put so much into it that more goes missing from me.\u00a0 <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

I go back to work.\u00a0 It’s been two years since my last job and people keep promising me contracts but the funding falls through.\u00a0 I go to work in a Call Center troubleshooting Internet connectivity for Time-Warner Road Runner.\u00a0 I’ve always been good at computers and I need the money.\u00a0 I excel and become one of the top employees.\u00a0 I’m out of the non-profit sector.\u00a0 I do volunteer work as a Board Member for a day care agency.\u00a0 I spend five years as Board President.\u00a0 I push for advocacy related issues.\u00a0 We win some battles but then I lose the fight.\u00a0 Some Board members want to go in a different direction, the wrong direction, and I’m pushed out.\u00a0 The agency struggles but that’s not my problem anymore.\u00a0 I tried.\u00a0 I’m sick of trying.\u00a0 You have to pick the battles you think you can win.\u00a0 I can’t win.\u00a0 <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

I have to take a leave of absence from work because I hurt my shoulder.\u00a0 A year later and two surgeries pass and I go back to work.\u00a0 Road Runner has gone to the Philippines and I go over to Hewlett Packard.\u00a0 More training and starting from the bottom.\u00a0 Six months pass and I’m now the number one agent on the contract.\u00a0 I hate it.\u00a0 It’s not about the customer.\u00a0 It’s about making money for the company.\u00a0 Customer service is suffering and I’m the only one who seems to care.\u00a0 I quit.\u00a0 Twelve jobs and 22 years later.\u00a0 Bits and pieces of me given away at every place I’ve ever worked.\u00a0 The hair is white…I tell people it’s transparent.\u00a0 <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Two years on and now I’m writing this Blahg.\u00a0 I had a short contract working the Census this past summer.\u00a0 Lucky 13.\u00a0 Still unemployed.\u00a0 What’s next?\u00a0 The children are all grown.\u00a0 <\/span><\/strong>\"MyEmily’s in University, Noah’s off next year.\u00a0 More pieces of who I am are leaving.\u00a0 What’s left of me?<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Sometimes I get a glimpse of where’ I’ve gone.\u00a0 Sometimes I’m behind those eyes looking at me in the mirror or in my children\u2019s faces.\u00a0 But it\u2019s a fleeting glimpse and then he\u2019s gone.\u00a0 Where am I?\u00a0 <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

So what’s the purpose of this particular blahg?\u00a0 Why all the questions about who I am or where I am when the story is laid out there to read?\u00a0 That’s it, to read…like a map.\u00a0 This blahg is a road map for me.\u00a0 It helps me to see what I’ve done and how to find all of the pieces to me.\u00a0 I may not be in some of the pictures but if I look closely, I can see me.\u00a0 This is the story of a life.\u00a0 The road map of a road trip.\u00a0 The only question I guess I really should be asking is what direction do I take next?\u00a0 That’s the one that needs answering.\u00a0 <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Any suggestions?\u00a0 Any answers?\u00a0 Let me know. <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

(For more about “Dead From The Neck Up”, “False Ducks” and “Proof For Believing”, check out my website: www.falseducks.com<\/a>
\n<\/strong>
\n<\/span><\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It has been more than three weeks since I last posted a blahg.\u00a0 What has happened?\u00a0 Life has happened.\u00a0 Canadian Thanksgiving was in there.\u00a0 I had to take my daughter back to school in Toronto.\u00a0 My son had a medical appointment in Peterborough.\u00a0 I was away in Niagara Falls for my niece’s wedding.\u00a0 Time was […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/falseducks.com\/theblahg\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/falseducks.com\/theblahg\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/falseducks.com\/theblahg\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/falseducks.com\/theblahg\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/falseducks.com\/theblahg\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=8"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/falseducks.com\/theblahg\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":6216,"href":"http:\/\/falseducks.com\/theblahg\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8\/revisions\/6216"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/falseducks.com\/theblahg\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=8"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/falseducks.com\/theblahg\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=8"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/falseducks.com\/theblahg\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=8"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}