Okay, it’s been a while since my last blahg. If it’s one thing you should know about me, it’s that I’m a procrastinator. 
Oh, I have good intentions and left to my own schedule I will eventually get to it; whatever “it” is. In this case, the “it” is a ten year old cookie.
I don’t know why I forgot about this little event. It’s only been about five years since the closure of the incident but I’d almost completely wiped it from my memory. In truth, the incident started about 17 years ago.
In a previous blahg, I talked about staying home with my son Noah for the first 4 years of his life. That, in itself, was an adventure. Keeping him entertained day after day was a huge task some days. One little thing that did make him happy was animal cookies. Maybe I should call then animal crackers but they’re more like a cookie and he loved those things. 
You know the little cookies shaped like different animals of the circus or zoo type. Give him one of those and he was happy for the time it took to gobble down the animal shaped delicacy.
One day, in a box of animal cookies I found a very unusual surprise. Usually all of the cookies are machine cut into the various animal shapes but I found an uncut and uncensored tidbit. This particular cookie was a combined buffalo and bear shape that had not been separated. Normally that wouldn’t be such a surprise but in this case the positioning of the buffalo over the bear made it look like the buffalo was performing an indecent act on the bear. Maybe it was a decent act for all I know because in the animal kingdom I’m sure they don’t have the same hang-ups we have. In fact the buffalo cookie had an ear shaped like a heart that made it look comically clear what he had on his mind.
I don’t have a picture of what the cookie looked like. I wish I did. Needless to say, I set the cookie aside not because I didn’t want my son to eat it but because I had a purpose in mind for that cookie. I’m not a prude and it wouldn’t have mattered if my son had eaten it because it was just a cookie after all. My intentions for the cookie were for fame and notoriety or my 15 seconds in the spotlight. I was going to send that cookie to David Letterman.
If you don’t know who David Letterman is, then you don’t know late night television. He’s only had one of the top rated night-time talk shows for the last 20 years (probably more but I’m not counting). On his show he always has a top ten comical list and celebrity guests and humorous segments like stupid pet tricks and stupid human tricks. I remember in 1995, Letterman propelled another Canadian to the heights of celebrity just because his name was Dick Assman. I was sure that my cookie find would make me just as famous.
I carefully wrapped the cookie in layers of tissues and put it away in a small plastic food container. I believe this was in 1995 or 1996. This was before the Internet became so prevalent that you could find anything online; including the address to where you would send a cookie to David Letterman. I was just waiting for the right time. I told you I procrastinate.
I cannot tell you why it took me ten years but it wasn’t until 2005 that I actually got around to sending the cookie to David Letterman. Part of it was, we had moved twice in that time and the container with the cookie had been misplaced a couple of times. The other reason was simply that life happened. Read my blahg “When A Good Man Goes Missing” and you’ll see what happened during that time period.
Well, it was 2005 and I relocated the cookie and decided to finally send it to David Letterman. I found the David Letterman show mailing address online, wrote a letter, packaged the cookie carefully and mailed it off. Here’s what the letter said:
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
Mr. David Letterman,
Hi, enclosed pleased find a rather unusual animal cookie that I have been meaning to send you for some time. It is unusual in more ways than one. First, it is an unseparated animal cookie that appears to show a buffalo performing an indecent act (or a decent act, hey who am I to pass judgment) on a bear. You will also notice that the buffalo has an ear shaped like a heart that makes it look comically like he has love on his mind.
The second reason why this animal cookie is unusual is that it is almost 10 years old. I found this cookie in a box of animal cookies when my son was between one and two years old. Next month, March 25th, my son will celebrate his 11th birthday. I had put the cookie aside in the enclosed container with full intention of sending it to you but as things happen it was mislaid. We have moved twice since my son was born and most recently this past December. Of course in unpacking everything I came across the cookie again. It’s still intact and hopefully it has arrived that way.
I think it would be very funny if you ate this 10 year old cookie on your show. After my son was born I took some time off to stay at home with him. It was only to be a year but then it turned into four years. One of the things that kept me going that whole time was the thought that maybe someday David Letterman would eat this cookie. Of course I didn’t imagine that it would be ten years before I actually got around to sending it to you. If you decide to eat the cookie I have attached my top ten list of things you should consider when deciding to eat the cookie.
I also included what I thought was a humorous top ten list that I thought Letterman could read prior to eating the cookie:
TOP TEN THINGS TO CONSIDER WHEN DECIDING TO EAT THIS TEN YEAR OLD COOOKIE:
10 It’s an animal cookie and the law of the animal kingdom is eat or be eaten!
09 No buffalo’s going to get away with that on my watch!
08 Mr. Christie doesn’t own me! Wait, Mr. Christie doesn’t really own us do they? Can someone check on that!?
07 The same goes for you Mrs Fields!
06 Hey, what’s another quadruple bi-pass?
05 I’m not really all that hungry, here Paul take half. Hands off the Buffalo, I dibbsed it first!
04 Peas Porridge Hot, Peas Porridge Cold, Peas Porridge in the Pot Nine Days Old doesn’t sound half bad right now.
03 Now if it was a Bear doing it to a Buffalo I wouldn’t be having second thoughts right now.
02 Eat it? I thought you said Ebay. That grilled cheese sandwich went for $28,000 I bet this cookie would fetch 30 or 35…bucks, easily.
01 Anybody got any 10-year-old milk lying around?
Six months went by before I received a reply. I don’t still have the original letter that I received in response but I think it was a form-letter thanking me for my submission and no real excuse why David Letterman didn’t eat my cookie. I doubt that David Letterman even saw my cookie. Probably some flunkie in the mail-room responded with the form-letter. 
Enclosed with the letter was a Late Night with David Letterman t-shirt and my container with the cookie. Unfortunately when I opened the container, the cookie was broken. So were my dreams of fame.
David Letterman, you broke my cookie. Maybe it wasn’t you but someone on your staff broke my cookie. But you’re the host of the show and you’re responsible for your staff. No wonder I suppressed that memory for the past five years. Oh, Dick Assman can get on the show because he has a funny name but a little guy with a cookie can’t get ahead in this lousy world. I’m not bitter!
Needless to say, I don’t have the cookie anymore. I should have just eaten what was left of it. By that time, my son was 11 and he wasn’t going to eat an animal cookie he was denied ten years before. I guess I don’t blame him.
…I’ll close on a better note. It’s getting to be near Christmas, with tomorrow being the 1st of December. I thought in my posts leading up to Christmas I would get around to that Poet’s Corner I talked about in my very first blahg. Here’s a fun rambling that might make you smile and forget about your own broken cookies:
dear Santa
I was maybe nine
when my parents
up and told me
there’s no Santa Claus
and I suspected
at the time
that they weren’t
bein’ truthful ‘bout that
but now
I’m pretty sure
they were
mistaken
‘cause I saw old Nick
the other day
at the mall
and I can’t help wonderin’
if he knows
parents are tryin’
to suppress
his existence
all over
and why is that?
what have parents got
against Santa?
ya know it just might be
that Nick’s too powerful
fer the average parent
‘cause all year long
moms and dads
try to discipline
their kids
without success
but ya mention
Santa
anywhere near Christmas
and control is
immediately established
and maybe that’s it!
maybe parents
get their egos bruised
by the idea
of some
white bearded old goat
havin’ more clout
than them
and maybe that’s why
after eight or nine years
the kids are told
this lie
about St. Nicholas
bein’ a myth
so’s parents can say
“LISTEN UP,
WE’RE THE BOSS.
THERE’S NO SANTA
JUST US
AND YOU EITHER
LIKE IT
OR LUMP IT!”
but I’m not sayin’
I disagree with
this method
‘cause at some point
ya gotta outgrow
the need for Santa Claus
and ya gotta depend
on the family
and what they can do
fer ya
and ya’ll be
a better person
more rounded
not in the gut
like Santa
but in yer outlook
sure, the method’s okay
but what if
ya reversed the order
and said right off
right at birth
“KID YOU’RE GONNA HEAR A LOT
ABOUT THIS
SANTA CLAUS
BUT DON’T BELIEVE IT.
WE’RE THE ONES
YOU HAVE TO RESPECT.
WE’RE THE ONES
WHO ARE
LOOKING OUT FOR YOU.”
and maybe later
when the kids are older
and have lost
all faith
in mankind
and have given up
on anything magical
ya set ‘em straight
‘bout Nick
ya tell ‘em
ya lied
and there really is
this St. Nicholas guy
and he’s alright
and as long as
they believe in him
they’ll be alright too
and wouldn’t it be easier
that way?
wouldn’t it be nicer
to know
ya haven’t ruined
yer kid’s entire life?
sure tell ‘em ‘bout Santa
and they’ll pass the word
and they’ll believe
and behave
and ya’ll have
no more problems
in discipline
if ya use Nick’s name
‘cept maybe ‘round Easter
when his moniker
brings no pull
whatsoever