The False Ducks Blahg

     Well, it’s Christmas Day, December 25th, 2017 and I’m sick.  I woke up yesterday morning with a sore throat that doesn’t allow me to swallow and has basically caused my throat to close. I was up most of the night feeling worse, didn’t even see Santa Claus, I think he slipped in when I was in the bathroom expectorating, and then felt extremely double dog worse than worse this morning.  I had been trying cold medication and lozenges but nothing was working and I was starving and could not swallow to eat or drink.  I gave in to my wife and allowed her to take me to the local hospital.  I was in and out in under an hour; go figure it’s not busy on Christmas Day.  I have a viral infection in my throat and ears that required steroids and Tylenol.  We got home about 10am to open presents with the kids and then I went for a nap.  My wife and kids have gone to my parents for Christmas dinner and I’m writing this blahg.  So much for my Christmas and breaking my 55 year record of never ending up at the hospital on Christmas Day.  It better be a hell of a good New Year! 

     I can’t really talk right now so instead I’m just going to post many photos of the decorations outside and inside my house.  We’ve had about 16 inches of snow and it’s beautiful outside.  I hope this adds to your Christmas enjoyment.

And now after all that snow:

And now for the inside of the house.  Nutcrackers, mantle display, and the nativity.

     Remember to click on the photos for larger images. 

     I managed to dash off a new Christmas story this year as well.  It follows after a fun Christmas song by the late great Stompin’ Tom Connors.  The song sums up my feelings about how tough it is to be sick at Christmas.  The story is just for fun.  MERRY CHRISTMAS!

DOWN ON CHRISTMAS:

JACK’S CHRISTMAS LIST

It was that time again, not Christmas, but the time when Jack’s wife began to nag him about making a Christmas list.

“Honey,” she began, as if qualifying her request with endearment made it sound any less nagging, “I still need you to make your Christmas list.”  There was a tone that implied ‘still’ meant she had asked before and was getting tired of asking.

“Give me peace!” he snapped back.  He hadn’t intended to snap at all but he realized he had been asked before and some guilt and some annoyance all mixed together were leading his tongue.

The look on his wife’s face was now more than annoyance about failure of the list to materialize but now encompassed a further annoyance with Jack and his response.

“I mean World Peace,” he quickly added. “Give me World Peace.  World Peace is always at the top of my wish list.”

“Nice save, Jack,” the endearment had been dropped, “but I still want your list.”

It couldn’t be avoided now.  Every year it was the same thing.  Jack held out as long as he could before giving in to making a list.  And every year his wife had to poke and prod him into the action of sitting down and putting pen to paper.

It wasn’t that Jack didn’t like or even wanted to make a Christmas list.  He just didn’t see the necessity of it all.  He’d ask for something and it would be the wrong item or the wrong color or the wrong size.  His wife wasn’t much of an online shopper and Jack was sure to get whatever she could find locally and always a poor substitute to what he had put on the list.  So Jack couldn’t really see the point in it.

Jack loved Christmas.  It was his favorite time of the year.  He indulged himself early in the music and movies and the television specials that always brought a lump to his throat and caused him to cough and clear his throat and blame it on whatever he was eating or drinking at the time; even if his hand or mouth was empty.

Jack really enjoyed the giving part and not so much the getting.  He would always look for that perfect gift for his wife or his children.  He would always recall something they had mentioned throughout the year, and if it wasn’t purchased for birthdays or some other reason, he would find it for Christmas.  He was a savvy online shopper, unlike his wife, and he’d order early, intercept the mail, and hide it somewhere until Christmas rolled around and he could wrap it and place it under the tree.

Even getting the tree was an event for Jack.  It had to be a real tree and it became an event to trek out to the Christmas Tree farm and walk and search until the perfect tree was found.  His wife would always choose the first tree she saw that was half decent.  It would always be too fat or too scrawny or not tall enough.  It was the same old argument about the star not having enough clearance from the top of the tree to the ceiling.  Jack always meant to measure his ceiling height and know the exact height required with star clearance.  It was always his thought to carry a measuring tape with him to the farm and produce that tool with a knowing chuckle and a bad pun something along “let’s see dear, how your tree really measures up.”  He never did it because it might have bordered on being hurtful even though he thought it was funny.

Jack also had his outdoor Christmas display.  The house was festooned with Christmas lights and the lawn sported more inflatable holiday characters each year.  The first Saturday in December he’d be outside assembling and plugging and swearing if something failed to inflate or light.  Most of the family left him to it because it was safer that way.  The children used to help but when they got older it seemed to get colder and they’d rather be inside and wait until it was all done.  Jack would gather them together when it was dark and everything could be seen properly.  He took great pride in the display.  It was another part of his Christmas tradition.  Making a Christmas list however just didn’t seem to fit into his annual Christmas plans.

Jack looked over at his wife.  She wasn’t looking back at him now.  She was caught up in her reading and Jack was spared for the moment from her imploring stare.  There was no getting out of it, he’d have to make the list.

Jack got up and made for the garage.  “I’m going to the garage,” he quickly added, so his wife wouldn’t wonder what he was up to.  The garage was where Jack did some of his best thinking.  She wouldn’t normally follow him there.

On his way through to the garage he stopped in the kitchen and snatched up a pen and tore off a couple sheets from his wife’s note pad held by a magnet on the fridge.  It was Christmas themed with an appropriate “Christmas To Do List.”  Jack also snatched up a couple of his wife’s Christmas cookies that she had recently baked and left to cool on the counter.  He didn’t think she’d miss them and besides he needed strength if he was going to make his list.

In the garage, Jack sat at this work bench and looked around for inspiration.  There wasn’t much for inspiration.  He could mostly spy his tools.  He had more than he knew what to do with and Birthdays and Father’s Day and Christmas always brought more.

“Well, I know what’s not going on my list,” he said to himself.  “I should just write NO TOOLS in big capital letters.  Maybe then they’ll get the message.”

Jack stopped to think on what he had just said.  It wasn’t the part about seeming ungrateful and wanting no more tools this Christmas but he really intrigued himself with the thought of putting something on his list that he really didn’t want.  Maybe that would also work for the things that he really did want.  He was amused by this.  If he made it clear what he wanted or didn’t want then there would be no mistake.

Jack stared down at the first note sheet.  It was after all a Christmas To Do List.  And all he had to do was make his list his way.

“First we’ll start with World Peace,” he said aloud to no one in particular.  “I told her that World Peace is always at the top of my list.”  Jack wrote down World Peace.

“Now for the useless presents,” Jack continued.  “Socks and Underwear.  I’ve got just as many of those as I do tools.”  Jack thought about this for a minute and then wrote down ‘Socks and Underwear’.  He added in brackets, ‘the colorful the better because no one ever sees them beneath my shoes and pants.’  He always got socks and underwear for Christmas and this way he was giving in to that.   He didn’t really need any but why not give permission with his own twist.

Next Jack wrote down ‘NO TOOLS’.  He wrote those two words out in big block letters and underlined them.  He couldn’t have been clearer.

Jack grabbed at one of the cookies.  His wife made the best chocolate chip cookies.  It didn’t matter that they weren’t really Christmas cookies.  At Christmas he loved most his wife’s chocolate chip cookies and the obligatory Toblerone bar he found in his stocking.  It was one of Jack’s favorites and his wife and children never forgot to get him one each year.  Unfortunately Toblerone was everyone else’s favorite and by the time Jack was finished sharing his, he usually only ended up with one piece.  One piece out of nine didn’t seem fair but Jack never complained.  It was Christmas and he knew that giving was part of the holidays.

Jack saw the inspiration in this and wrote down ‘one piece of Toblerone’.  Again he used brackets afterwards to add ‘share the other pieces among yourselves because I’m lucky only to get one regardless’.

“There, that’s coming along nicely,” he mused.  He gave a chuckle about the Toblerone addition and began to think of more that he could add to his list that would give him pleasure.

Jack read over his list.  He read it again.  He read it a few more times.  He was stuck.  He eyed the other cookie.  It didn’t provide inspiration this time.  He read his list at least five more times.  At this length it certainly was no novel.

“A book,” Jack uttered.  “What about a book?”  What about a book? Jack was an avid reader when he could find something that interested him.  He didn’t like new novels.  He enjoyed the classics or biographies, or history, or how to books.  What could he put on the list that was clear and concise?  He’d been given books before that he hadn’t read but sometimes he’d receive something that would be good.  He had at least a half a shot at getting something readable.

‘A book,’ he wrote.  ‘Nothing in particular.  You know what I like.’  It wasn’t as clear and concise as he hoped it would be but he liked the odds that it might be something decent.  At least he’d be surprised if nothing else.

‘A record,’ he wrote next.  Jack was an avid record collector.  He was a huge Dixieland Jazz fan He always bought up any Dixieland Jazz record he found at yard sales or thrift shops.  They weren’t always good but getting something for Christmas that he would enjoy were the same odds as the book.  He added ‘No Disco’.  He felt he didn’t need to specify the desire for Dixieland Jazz because his family knew his interests when it came to music but like the tools, he believed it necessary to stress No Disco.

Jack snatched the last cookie.  He was proud of himself.  It wasn’t a long list but then he didn’t want it to be a long list.  A long list would suggest that he gave great thought to the list and that he’d taken it seriously.  He didn’t want that.  He really didn’t want anything.  The making of this list was more a rebellion of sorts against the making of a list at all.  The only thing he wanted was to have a nice Christmas with the family.

‘A nice Christmas with my family,’ he added at the end.  That was the only thing he wanted on his list.  Each year Christmas was a good gathering of his wife and his kids with Jack grinning like a fool in his element.  Jack could recall the past Christmases and he liked to look back on them as fond and warm memories.  That was all he really wanted.

Jack grabbed up his list and headed back into the house.  He’d place it on the refrigerator where his wife would find it.  As a last effort, he scrawled ‘JACK’S LIST’ in block letters.  Like the NO TOOLS, he triple underlined the words.

He grabbed up a couple more cookies and headed off to find the family photo albums.  He was feeling a little sentimental and wanted to look back on past Christmases.  He was sure to be grinning in each and every photo.

Christmas came and it was everything Jack had hoped for.  It started with Christmas Eve and Jack lighting off his traditional fireworks.  Jack was like a big kid waiting until it got dark and then setting off a stream of colorful little explosions that always drew gawkers at his neighbors’ windows.  He wife and children liked the fireworks too but truth be told they were glad when it was over so they could go back inside and warm up.  Jack didn’t care.  It made him happy and maybe it brought cheer to his family and his neighborhood too.

The rest of Christmas Eve was spent watching old Christmas movies or re-running family home videos of past Christmases.  There was always a mini-feast around ten with everyone toasting the Christmas with egg-nog or ginger ale.  Jack didn’t allow anything heavier over the holidays.  That wasn’t what Christmas was all about.  Christmas was about these family moments and making new memories.

Christmas morning consisted of a big breakfast before presents.  The menu varied a little each year whether there would be pancakes or waffles or french toast or what fruit everyone wanted.  But everyone agreed on bacon.  There always had to be bacon.

Then came the presents.  Jack had noticed a couple of weeks back that his Christmas list had disappeared from the refrigerator.  Now his fate was in the hands of his wife and children.  It didn’t really matter though because Christmas for him was the fireworks, the bacon, and all the Christmas cheer he could cram in with his family.  There would be new memories and new photos and next year Jack could pull them out and remember it all over again.

Jack and his wife usually waited until the children opened their gifts before starting on their own.  Jack would pile his wife’s gifts beside her on the sofa and she’d lay his on his lap in his chair.  They’d take turns but this year his wife insisted that Jack go last.  Jack wasn’t sure what to think of this but he’d made his list and the rest of the show was going to be determined by his wife.

The children enjoyed their gifts and Jack’s wife found Jack to be more than thoughtful and generous with the presents he had provided for her and the children.  The camera flashed throughout; preserving the moments.

Next up were Jack’s gifts.  His wife insisted that everyone stop and observe Jack opening them.  Again Jack was not sure what to think of all this.

The first Christmas present was large and square.  It was very light and something appeared to be loose inside.  Jack tore away the paper to find a jigsaw puzzle picturing the world.  Inside was one piece.

Jack stared at this wife.

“It’s World Piece,” his wife said.  “Get it?  Well, maybe you will, I mean the rest of the pieces, if you’re a good boy.”

Jack wasn’t grinning yet.  Maybe his list wasn’t as creative as he thought it would be.  In fact, he wondered if it might backfire on him.

Next up were the useless presents.  The socks were two toned.  The upper half were one color and the bottoms another.

“Don’t worry about it Jack,” his wife quipped, “no one sees the top parts underneath your pants.”

Jack gulped.  He was in for it now.  Opening the next package, he found that the requested underwear were his own.  His wife had taken the four or five pairs of his boxers that had ripped at the seams and had stitched them nicely so you couldn’t tell they’d been torn.  They were also freshly laundered.  She was very considerate.

“I know,” Jack stammered, “no one sees them underneath your pants.”  His wife was taking his list way to literally.

“Reach into your stocking dear,” his wife instructed.

Jack emptied the contents of his stocking onto the floor.  There were more two-toned socks, some lottery tickets, about a dozen of his wife’s best cookies nicely wrapped in Christmas cellophane, some candies, an orange, and the unmistakeable Toblerone.  This Toblerone however was lighter than it should be.  Jack grinned.  At least she got this right.  His wife and children had probably taken their pieces and left him the obligatory one piece.  He was partly correct.  Inside were three pieces.  The tradition of the chocolate was that the letters for TOBLERONE were spelled across the nine pieces.  Jack found in the box, three pieces.  It was the last three pieces of the TOBLERONE that spelled ONE.  For once he had come out ahead.  Maybe this Christmas list thing would work out after all.

The next gift was hard and rectangular.  It was a Tool Box.  It was also empty inside

 “The next time you ask for No Tools,” his wife laughed, “you can keep them in your No Tools Tool Box.”

Jack got the joke.  His wife had a better sense of humor than he gave her credit for.

Jack got a book.  Like the Tool Box, there was nothing inside.

“It’s called a Nothing Book,” his wife explained.  “You write down whatever you want inside.  You said Nothing in particular in that is Nothing in particular.  I do know what you like.”

Jack was getting into it now.  He had been too literal and his wife was taking him on his words.

Jack got a record.  It wasn’t exactly Disco and it wasn’t exactly Dixieland.  It was a Discoland Jazz record.  His wife had ordered it over the internet.  She was full of surprises.  Jack would learn on playing it that the record was surprising good.  Later that day and in ensuring years he would play it as the family was sitting down to Christmas dinner.

Jack surveyed his gifts.  His wife had bested him.  He thought he had been smart in the way he had made out his list.  His wife had been smarter and had taught him a lesson.  She had really enjoyed getting everything Jack had on his list.  That was what Jack had forgotten this Christmas.  As much as he enjoyed the Christmas gifts he gave each year, his wife enjoyed giving to him as well.  It didn’t matter if they were the useless gifts or even tools, his wife always got him something.  She knew it wasn’t about the gifts, it was about the time with family.  If getting gifts he didn’t really want made her happy then what she had put him through this year was worth it.

“There’s one more, Jack.”  His wife reached out with another gift.

Jack wasn’t sure what could be left.  He’d received everything on his list.  The only other thing that had been on his list was ‘a nice Christmas with my family’ and he’d already received that.  In fact, he was still receiving it.

Jack found his fingers were trembling slightly as he opened the last gift.  It was a small photo album.  On each page was a picture of Jack grinning like a fool.  They’d been culled from other albums and featured Jack from Birthdays, Father’s Days, Anniversaries, and past Christmases.

Jack felt that lump in his throat like those from watching his Christmas specials.  He coughed to clear his throat and tried to blame it on the Toblerone but he hadn’t even tasted it yet.  He looked up at his family and grinned.

The flash of a camera went off and Jack could hear his wife exclaim, “this one’s going in the book.”

Jacked grinned again.  The grin faded to a smile and the smile didn’t leave his face for the rest of that Christmas day.

THE END

 

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