The False Ducks Blahg

    Well, it’s the last day of December in 2019 and tomorrow starts a new year.  I can honestly say that I’ll be glad to see this year done.  It has not been a stellar year and I’m hoping 2020 will be much better.  Part of me believes that even numbered years are luckier.  My wife, my three children, and I were all born in even numbered years but that’s probably all a coincidence.  There’s no jinx but with the start of a New Year I’m hoping things will improve.  This blahg will look back on some things and look forward to some things.  2020 will be what I make it.  After all, isn’t foresight 2020?  Go with me on this one. 

     It was a year ago tomorrow that I took that polar dip into Lake Ontario.  Here’s the video recap:

I thought I was ready for 2019 but the coldness of Lake Ontario was only the first shock to my reality.  My Father would pass away less than three weeks later.  In February there would be a homicide at work, in April I began a long road with a mysterious illness.  I continued to suffer with my physical health and my mental health took a toll as well.  I experienced grief and depression and those plagued me throughout the year.  I even had a breakdown on Christmas Eve.  I was overwhelmed, I was sick, I was missing my Dad, and it all got to me.  My wife, Jeanette, just held me and got me through it all.  Christmas was good.  The kids were home and we had a good time.  Too short though. 

     I can’t say that 2019 was all bad.  My daughter Emily got married to Charlie: 

It was a wonderful wedding and certainly the highlight of 2019.  It kept me grounded for a long time. 

     I don’t really want to rehash the whole year.  I’ve written about my illness in other blahgs in 2019 and about my grief regarding the passing of my Father.  Let me just speak some other truths.  I’ve been suffering.  My mental health has had its challenges.  I’ve had real bouts of depression and I’m scared of what comes next with my physical health.  The bout I had before Christmas, prior to my prostate biopsy, was really bad when I had to go off my medication.  I did not realize how far the inflammation or whatever this is had progressed and that caused me to get the flu over the Christmas holidays.  This caused some depression.  I’m not sure what 2020 will bring.  I’m waiting for the results of the biopsy and I have to see the specialist in Kingston a week from today.  Look for future blahgs on my health updates.  

     2019 saw me want to run away.  I hated what was happening to me.  I hated doing my job and living my life.  I just wanted to run away to a secluded beach somewhere with someone who wasn’t involved in all of this.  I wanted someone who would listen to me and take care of me and keep me distracted.  It was a selfish dream and I don’t know if I would have taken it if it was offered to me.  They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.  I don’t know about that.  I don’t feel stronger.  I feel different.  I’m not the same person who plunged into the water on January 1st, 2019.  I’m more afraid and desperate for answers and that beach fantasy.  The beach at North Beach on Lake Ontario in January is no fantasy, let me tell you. 

     I keep thinking that my life is a fake.  I remember when I went to University and I thought I shouldn’t be there because I wasn’t as good as everyone else.  I wanted to be a Teacher and that never panned out.  I managed to fool Trent University into letting me have a Bachelor of Arts Degree in English Literature but I never could crack the front door of Teacher’s College.  I did do some teaching while I was at Youthdale but even then I thought I was faking my way through it and they were going to catch up with it.  In fact, I’ve had so many jobs over the past thirty years that I think I keep on fooling every employer I have.  I just keep doing my best and dazzling them with my right hand while I’m doing slight of hand with my left.  I probably shouldn’t give away that trade secret. 

     Look at my other life goals.  I wanted to be a writer as well.  I keep on writing but I don’t think anyone’s reading my fiction or my other entertainments.  Dead From The Neck Up went nowhere but I keep a website dedicated to it like it’s going to get a resurgence.  In fact my falseducks.com website is dedicated to past things I’ve done nothing further with.  How sad is that?  I only keep it around as a testament to what I’m capable of and what interests me.  Probably no one checks out my website and nobody reads these blahgs.  Again, how sad is that?  And I wonder why my mental health has had its challenges?

     This past year I also took over posting “THIS DATE IN SINATRA HISTORY” for a Yahoo Group I belong to.  The previous moderator disappeared mysteriously and there had been no new posts for almost six months.  I revived it because I didn’t want to see it die.  So, each day I dig through past posts and corrections to post things related to Frank Sinatra for a particular day.  For example, here’s part of what I posted for December 31st 

I try to add images and updated information like this one for the 1941 Hollywood Palladium, California :

The process has kept me busy and I think others are enjoying the posts but sometimes I feel like I’m faking my way through this all, too.  I’m no expert.  I rely on the expertise of others and I’m a good researcher.  I sometimes can add to or dispel the myth of previous postings.  Sometimes I think anyone with a computer can do that. 

    So, what’s in store for 2020?  I don’t know.  Maybe it will be more of the same.  Maybe I’ll keep stumbling through the year and faking my way through things.  That’s a process that scares me.  I think sometimes I’m good at my job, which I don’t like to talk about, but then maybe I’m fooling myself as well.  I get up every day and I go to work because that’s what I know how to do.  It’s better than sitting at home and lamenting all the things I’ve never done and how I’m going to keep up the illusion of a happy person.  My contract is up for renewal in April.  I hope I’m still there. 

     I’ve been watching my son Noah and my daughter Abbie struggle this past year.  Abbie is still in school and I think she worries about her future and what she’s going to do with her life.  I think she’ll figure it out.  Fake it until you make it.  That’s worked for me.  Noah also is not sure about his future.  He started a Youtube channel last year and he’s now up to 10,000 subscribers.  All the while, he works at Starbucks and hates his job.  He’s got real potential and his most recent video has some good thoughts about what is in store for 2020 for him.  I find it really inspiring: 

     Again, where does that leave me?  I don’t know.  I’m 57 and if I haven’t figured it out now, I probably never will.  I’m still faking it until I’m making it.  If I have one skill, that’s it.  The key is to be in pain, struggle with your mental health, fake it, and figure it out as you go along.  I’m going to break down again.  I’m going to be afraid.  I’m going to want to run away.  Maybe this is the new trend for me.  Emily and Charlie seem happy but they’re still trying to figure things out like Noah, like Abbie, like me, like us all.  It’s okay to be sad or mad or in pain or want to run away.  It’s okay.  It will be okay.  That will be my mantra for 2020: 

IT WILL BE OKAY!

Tags: Analog Resurgence, Mental Health, Scott Henderson. False Ducks

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