The False Ducks Blahg

   This blahg is not the blahg I intended to publish this week.  I had another blahg all mapped out in my mind with lots of audio recordings.  I won’t spoil it by giving anything away.  That blahg will be coming in the next month.  Part of the problem in the delay was that I lost my motivation and began to suffer some depression last week.  When you’re feeling low, everything you want to accomplish either gets pushed aside or seems unaccomplishable.  That’s a real word.  Look it up! 

   A few things happened this week to take me out of my funk and inspired this blahg.  I haven’t talked much lately about my mental health or even wanted to talk about mental health in general.  I’ve been hearing and reading all the news about mental health and the current pandemic and I just didn’t want to tackle that topic.  I wasn’t planning on avoiding it but I like my blahgs to be uplifting, inspiring, or at least entertaining.  Depression to me was like something from the Seniors’ menu at a restaurant where you skip over it because it doesn’t apply to you.  Me, I like to order from the kids’ menu and get that hotdog that they won’t let us adults order.  Why are restaurants hiding the hotdogs?  Cut it out! 

   My recent bout of depression was brought on by some detractors who don’t want me to fill in on a job contract for a colleague who is expecting a baby in June.  I haven’t done anything wrong but sometimes the peanut gallery gets it in their mind that they think they know something or heard something and never thought to check to see if any of it is true.   That’s enough of that.  I should know better than to listen to the voices of the detractors but I’m human and you just want to yell “DAMN IT, I’M LIKEABLE”.  I didn’t do that and so it was hard to get out of my own head and stop flailing myself with the “POOR ME.” 

   Last week I had an encounter with my colleague who is expecting.  She had been in a virtual meeting which I had not attended but where my name was being put forth as a replacement for her while she is away on maternity leave.  I was trying to feel her out on how that went without directly asking what people thought of me as her replacement.  She didn’t really elaborate but I got a sense she was trying to protect me from some of the negativity.  I had it confirmed later from another colleague but I began to feel guilty later that I had put my female colleague on the spot.  No, it really wasn’t guilt about that as much as it was that I didn’t even ask her how she was feeling or how the pregnancy was going.  Later, I went back and apologized to her and said I shouldn’t have tried to pry information from her and that I was even more sorry that I didn’t ask her how she was doing.  She seemed to appreciate that and I was determined that in future encounters I was going to make sure I focused more on her. 

   So, this is where this blahg begins.  A few days ago I saw my colleague again and made it a point of asking her how she was doing.  We chatted briefly about the pregnancy and I asked casually if she had any cravings.  Her answer was surprising.  She said she hadn’t had any cravings but everything she ate recently seemed to her to be the best of that particular things she had ever had.  She gave this example of snacking on M&M candies in the evening.  She said she’s always had a bowl that she snacks on in the evening but eating them recently made her feel that these M&Ms were the best M&Ms she’s ever tasted.  I commented that wouldn’t it be great if you could keep that feeling all the time and that no matter what you were eating or viewing or hearing or experiencing at any given moment was the best.  It would be the ultimate ‘living in the moment’ experience you could ever have.  After that, I didn’t give that notion much thought.

   On my way home that afternoon after discovering this new philosophy, I stopped to gas up my vehicle and I bought a PLINKO instant scratch ticket.  This ticket had instant prizes but if one of your lucky numbers matched one of the scratched and uncovered numbers with the corresponding word “CHIP” then you could take it into your local retailer to reveal your prize.  I learned that a video would play at the retailer and I could win up to $10,000 instantly or a “PLINKO” chip that I could play on the real board for a minimum of $100,000 up to a maximum of $500,000.  The big board is of course at the Ontario Lottery offices in Toronto and is similar to the PLINKO game we’ve all seen on the game show “The Price Is Right.”  I was excited.  It took me two days before I got back to the retailer and I had convinced myself that I was going to get that “PLINKO” chip for the big board.  I knew the odds were against me and ultimately they were with me only winning $10 which doubled my money from the $5 I had paid for the scratch ticket.  It was a disappointment but for those two days I lived that fantasy and dreamed big.

   This morning, while shaving, something else happened that reminded me of that “best of something ever had” idea.  I don’t know what it is but I always get great ideas while I’m shaving.  Some of my short story ideas occurred while I was shaving and so did ideas for my blahgs.  I probably should concentrate more on what I’m doing if I don’t want to cut myself.  Usually when I’m shaving I have my I-pod playing my music on shuffle.  I have such a wide range of music on there that I never know what I’m going to hear.  This morning I heard “When I Am King” by Great Big Sea.  The lyrics really struck me.  Here they are: 

Wake up
Without a care
Your head’s not heavy, your conscience clear
Sins are all forgiven here
Yours and mine
Fear is gone without a trace
It’s the perfect time in the perfect place
Nothing’s hurting, nothing’s sore
No one suffers anymore
The doctor found a simple cure
Just in time

All these things if I were king
Would all appear around me
The world will sing when I am king
The world will sing when I am king

Oh, she walks right in
She don’t even knock
It’s the girl you lost to the high school jock
She shuts the door, turns the lock
And she takes your hand
She says she always felt a fool
For picking the captain over you
She wonders if you missed her
Said she always told her sister
Oh, that you’re the best damn kisser
That she’s ever had

All these things if I were king
Would appear around me
The world will sing when I am king
The world will sing when I am king

Daylight waits to shine until the moment you awaken
So you never miss the dawn
No question now, you know which road you’re taking
Lights all green, the radio plays just the perfect song

Well, the war’s been won
All the fights are fought
You find yourself in just the spot
It’s a place where everybody’s got a song to sing
Just like the final movie scene
The prince will find his perfect queen
The hero always saves the world
The villains get what they deserve
The boy will always get the girl
When I am king

By the way, Great Big Sea was an awesome Canadian band.  Below is a video of them singing “When I Am King.”  It turns out the video is from a concert that was held at the Empire Theatre in Belleville, Ontario in 2006.  I live south of Belleville but I work there.  I’ve been to concerts at the Empire but sadly I missed this one.

As I said, the lyrics struck me.  They’re about everything being great but unfortunately they depend up the singer becoming king.  Immediately the lyrics struck me as the best of everything and reminded me of the conversation I had had a few days earlier with my colleague.  It also reminded me of that PLINKO fantasy I had lived in for two days. 

   Shortly after hearing this song, I was getting ready to go into Belleville to work and I couldn’t shake the “best of everything” thought.  I asked my Google speaker to play “When I Am King” again.  It was at that moment that all of these puzzle fragments of thought slammed together into a clearer picture for this blahg.  I was going to ask Google to play me another song in particular by Great Big Sea but then the speaker launched into “Consequence Free” by the band.  Here’s another song with poignant lyrics: 

Na na na, na na na na na!
Na na na, na na na na na!

Wouldn’t it be great,
If no one ever got offended?
Wouldn’t it be great,
To say what’s really on your mind?

I’ve always said,
All the rules are made for bending.
And if I let my hair down,
Would that be such a crime?

I wanna be consequence free!
I wanna be where nothing needs to matter.
I wanna be consequence free!
Just say: Na na na, na na na na na!
Oh! Na na na, na na na na na!

I could really use,
To lose my Catholic conscience.
Cause I’m getting sick,
Of feeling guilty all the time.

I won’t abuse it,
Yeah I’ve got the best intentions.
For a little bit of anarchy,
But not the hurting kind.

I wanna be consequence free!
I wanna be where nothing needs to matter.
I wanna be consequence free!
Just say: Na na na, na na na na na!
Oh! Na na na, na na na na na!

Oh! I couldn’t sleep at all last night,
Cause I had so much on my mind.
I’d like to leave it all behind,
But you know it’s not that easy.

Oh! But for just one night,
Wouldn’t it be great,
If the band just never ended?
We could stay out late,
And we would never hear last call.

Wouldn’t need to worry about approval or permission.
We could slip off the edge,
And never worry about the fall.

I wanna be consequence free!
I wanna be where nothing means to matter.
I wanna be consequence free!
Just say: Na na na, na na na na na!
Oh! Na na na, na na na na na!
Oh! Na na na, na na na na na!

There’s a theme here of “wouldn’t it be great” and of course, living “consequence free.”  Here’s the video for that song: 

It was coming together.  Great Big Sea was selling me on writing this blahg.  I drove to work humming the songs I had heard.  I also started to write part of this blahg over lunch.  As if that wasn’t enough, on my way home, CBC radio played excerpts from a March of 2009 concert that Great Big Sea played at the Mile One Centre in St. John’s, Newfoundland.  They of course played “Consequence Free” but they also played the song that I hadn’t had a chance to ask my Google speaker to play earlier in the day.  The song is “Ordinary Day”: