Today is the last day in 2021. I’m not sorry to say I’ll be glad to see it gone. 2021 wasn’t a bad year but any year, especially the second in a row, where we’re all still dealing with Covid 19, isn’t anything to brag about. I thought I would take a moment to look back on this year and list some of my accomplishments. So here’s another self-serving blahg but really a blahg to help remind me what I did do this year and what might be left to be done in 2022.
Well, I wrote 21 blahgs in 2021, 22 if I manage to get this one posted today, so that’s pretty good. I looked at my blahg situation and realized back in January that if I doubled down, I could reach the 100 blahg mark by the fall. I did even better by publishing the 100th blahg, THIS IS 100, PART ONE, on August 25th and if you include this blahg, again pending it’s publication today, this will be number 107. I posted my first blahg, THE BLAHG & THE MOST HAPPY SOUND, on August 2nd, 2011 and ten years later I’m still writing. If you want to know more about me or what I’ve been up to in the past 10 years then read the previous 106 blahgs or at least the recaps THIS IS 50, PART ONE., THIS IS 50, PART TWO, THIS IS 100, PART ONE, and THIS IS 100, PART TWO.
In addition to the 100 blahg goal, I had set some other tasks for myself. If you check out the first blahg I posted in 2021, THE FALSE DUCKS VIDEO BLAHG #4: OH, DIDN’T I RAMBLE, I detailed some other things I wanted to do this year. The corresponding blahg, THE RAMBLE UNPACKED, updated details on some books I wanted to read, some albums I wanted to listen to, some movies I wanted to watch, and a cuckoo clock I wanted to repair. I accomplished all of that and more. I also continued on a goal to watch all of Bette Davis’ films in chronological order. I think I had started this goal in 2020 and it continued this year. I had started with Bad Sister from 1931 and worked my way through to “Pocketful of Miracles” from 1961, which is a Christmas movie, before taking a break for the Christmas holidays. That’s a total of 71 films and it would have been 72 if I could have found a place to watch her second film, “Seed”, from 1931. If anyone knows where I can view this film, please let me know.
I also got back to collecting all of the volumes in The Complete Short Fiction of Clifford D. Simak. I had previously purchased Volume One because it contained the release of “I had no head and my eyes were floating way up in the air” which was submitted in the 1970s for publication in Harlan Ellison’s “The Last Dangerous Visions”. That anthology has never been published but that lost Simak story is available in the new Simak anthology “I Am Crying All Inside and Other Stories: The Complete Short Fiction of Clifford D. Simak, Volume One”. I began to purchase all of the other volumes because they also included his War and Western stories in addition to his short Science Fiction stories. Open Road Media Science & Fantasy who publish these volumes usually will release four volumes at once in electronic format then months later will release them in paperback format all on the same date. I had purchased the first eight in paperback and was waiting for the publication of volumes 9-12. The electronic versions of these last four volumes have been available for a few years but only Volume Eleven, “Dusty Zebra And Other Stories”, was released in October this year. Why skip nine and ten and also omit twelve? It boggled my mind. My wife got me Volume Eleven for Christmas. Here’s hoping in 2022 we see the other three missing volumes in paperback.
Looping back to the topic of Covid 19, I am proud to say I have both vaccines and a few days ago on December 27th, I got my booster shop. My arm was sore for a day and I was tired the day after receiving the booster but everything else was fine. My message for everyone for 2022: GET A VACCINE OR GET YOUR BOOSTER! My brother and his wife and children didn’t get to come up to Canada for Christmas this year because the family came down with Covid 19. I know my sister-in-law was pretty sick for a few days but I shutter at the thought of how worse it could have been if she hadn’t had her vaccines. That’s all I’ll say about Covid for the rest of this blahg.
Just before Christmas, my daughter Abbie and I were able to attend the Transformers Convention in Mississauga, December 10-12. The convention in 2020 had to be cancelled due to, I’m not saying it because I promised, and this past July’s convention was moved to this December. My daughter and I usually have a blast at these conventions and we had a good time this year as well. Here are a couple of YouTube videos of the dealer room. They’re not mine but it gives you an idea of how much product is to be found.
My daughter found some treasures and so did I. The convention also has panels with artists and voice talent and Saturday night of the convention usually features a script reading. All attendees can audition for the script reading and Abbie was chosen for the script reading in 2019 but I had never been chosen. I wasn’t going to audition and we were just hanging around in our hotel room when I decided to go down and watch others audition. At the last minute, I did an audition for a character called Tripredacus. The audition line they gave me made it sound like this character was a gangster but everyone auditioned with loud booming voices. I decided to try out with an Edward G Robinson public enemy number one gangster type voice and I was selected. I had to text Abbie and she managed to get down in time to see me do the reading with the others who had been selected. She took some audio or video and when I get it from her, I’ll post it here.
I was very pleased to be selected for Tripredacus even though I didn’t know who that was. Later research from the Transformers Wiki for Tripredacus, https://tfwiki.net/wiki/Tripredacus, explains that he’s a character from Transformers Beast Wars. Here’s their explanation:
Tripredacus is a slimy “Battle Master” who prefers to emerge from underground to attack Maximal fortresses in the dead of night, tenaciously crushing all before him, spreading plague-like destruction wherever he goes. The weapons of his composite members form a slashing mega-missile launcher that he uses to tear his way into battle.
Tripredacus is composed of the three-member Tripredacus Council:
Ram Horn
Sea Clamp
Cicadacon
I don’t know if that is clear to you but that Transformers Wiki entry also detailed that in 1997 the three figures of Ram Horn, Sea Clamp, and Cicadacon were released separately and all three could be combined together to make the Tripredacus figure. After my script reading triumph, I was determined to find these three figures to combine into my own Tripredacus. On Sunday, Abbie and I returned to the Dealer Room to search for the three figures. I had set a price point of $60 for my Tripredacus but if you check that out on Ebay, it’s way too low. One dealer did have a Ram Horn complete for $40:
I decided to keep looking. Eventually Abbie found a dealer with an assortment of bagged figures. In one bag, in a box on the floor, we found the other two figures, Sea Clamp and Cicadacon
The figures were complete except their weapons and the dealer wanted $40 for the bag containing the pair. Abbie and I were looking them over and wondering what the odds were that we’d find these two together when the dealer offered to sell me the pair for $20. This was a no-brainer! I decided that these two for $20 plus the Ram Horn from the other dealer for $40 would match my price point of $60 for all three figures. Below is an image of my Tripredacus that Abbie combined for me this week from Ram Horn, Sea Clamp, and Cicadacon:
Another accomplishment from this year was the work I have done with Fresh Sound Records for the upcoming 2022 release of the complete recordings of Linda Keene. I can’t talk more about it and I can’t share the booklet mock up that was sent to me but stay tuned. The release is going to be spectacular.
In my last blahg, THE 2021 DEAD FROM THE NECK UP CHRISTMAS SPECIAL, I posted the new Christmas special I completed with my friend Stephen Dafoe and our announcer, my other friend, Bryan Dawkins. That deserves re-posting because it too was another accomplishment for me in 2021:
I think I’ll quickly end this blahg before it becomes a brag fast. Some of my blahgs this year introduced or reintroduced some forgotten bands, especially Bob Scobey, as well as some forgotten songbirds. I was thinking about doing another blahg on some more forgotten songbirds, which I may yet do in 2022, but I’ll end this blahg with a song by one I recently discovered. Her name is Dottie Reid and she only did a handful or recordings with bands led by Buddy Rich, Benny Goodman, and Muggsy Spanier. There are also some live remotes available of recordings she did with these bands. I’ll save those recordings and her biography for another blahg but I came across a V-Disc recording she did with Johnny Blowers and Gang in 1948. Here’s an image of that V-Disc:
Here’s her version of “Born To Be Blue”:
What a beautiful version of that song from a forgotten songbird. More on her, in a later blahg.
Tomorrow is New Year’s Day and the start of 2022. Let’s hope it’s special for all of us and we find ourselves healthy and happy. Celebrate every day and all your accomplishments. In 2013 I closed a blahg with the following quote and it too bears repeating: “After wishing everyone health and hugging and kissing, Frank Sinatra would always close with “In the next year, may we find peace in the world and peace among ourselves.” That’s an accomplishment I’d gladly toast to! Happy New Year!
Well, it’s December 23rd and I’m glad to say the 2021 Dead From The Neck Up Christmas Special is in the can. In my last blahg, BUILDING A CHRISTMAS SPECIAL, I posted the sketches I had written and posted my reads on each of them. I mentioned that I was working on an additional sketch but that one didn’t come together. I did manage to write one more sketch called “Roy’s Poultry Outlet”. That is the last sketch in the Christmas special. I think Stephen Dafoe nailed Roy’s voice in that one.
Here’s the new special:
I liked Stephen’s vocals and I had to record Bryan in person this year. I’m fairly happy with the show. It’s tough writing, recording vocals, mixing vocals, and adding all of the music and sound effects. Two years in a row have me wondering if I want to do this again next year. Last year was unique because we hadn’t done this in 25 years but I had so much fun I decided we should do it again this year. Next year? Too early to tell.
Well, that’s it for my quick blahg for this Christmas season. Merry Christmas everyone!
Well, it’s been over a month since my last blahg. Once I got to 100 blahgs I slowed down. It doesn’t mean I wasn’t busy. Right now I’m trying to put together enough sketches for another Dead From The Neck Up Christmas Show. My friends Stephen Dafoe, Bryan Dawkins, and I got together virtually last year to record a new Christmas show. It was the first Dead From The Neck Up show in over 25 years so it was a big reunion for us. I documented about that in my blahg, CHRISTMAS IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT. I posted the special to YouTube at that time:
After the holidays, I went back and remastered it to fix a few errors. Here’s the remastered version:
We had a great deal of fun putting together last year’s special and we talked about doing it again this year. I hope that’s going to happen because I started writing a few sketches. Last year I had to email sketches to Stephen and he recorded his vocals and then he emailed them to me. I recorded Bryan over the internet and then I mixed everything with sound effects and music. This year, I wanted to revisit some old characters from 26 years ago as well as some from last year. I thought this blahg would be an inside look into putting this year’s show together.
The first sketch idea I had was for a new Two Guys Proxy Service. I had written two back to back way back when we were doing shows in the early/mid 1990s. Here are those two original sketches:
I was Lenny in those sketches and Stephen was Dave. I had a funny idea to update these characters by adding a third guy. My idea is to have Bryan do the voice of Bruce in this sketch:
Three Guys Proxy Service Christmas Sketch
Scott/Lennie: Hi, remember us? I’m Lennie
Steve/Dave: And I’m Dave
Scott/Lennie: And we’re Two Guys Proxy Service
Bryan/Bruce: Three Guys Proxy Service
Steve/Dave: Yeah right, Three Guys Proxy Service. What with the recent pandemic we’ve had to take on extra help.
Scott/Lennie: Yeah we had to take on a newbie. He’s Bruce.
Bryan/Bruce: I’m Bruce
Steve/Dave: Yeah Lennie and I have been so busy we had to send Bruce out on some calls.
Scott/Lennie: Remember when Bruce had to fill in as a corpse at a funeral because the real corpse had temporarily gone missing?
Bryan/Bruce: Yeah, I remember. I was buried alive.
Steve/Dave:: Yeah but we dug you up before you ran out of air
Scott/Lennie: Broke two shovels doing it.
Steve/Dave: Or remember that time Bruce had to fill in at the Senior’s home when they had a Covid 19 outbreak because some of the nurses refused to work.
Bryan/Bruce: I was in quarantine there for six months.
Scott/Lennie: Yeah but we watered your plants while you was stuck inside.
Bryan/Bruce: They all died. And so did some of the seniors in the home.
Scott/Lennie: But one of us was on the job.
Steve/Dave: All part of our Proxy service.
Scott/Lennie: And all part of your bill.
Phone Ringing
Steve/Dave: Get that will you Bruce?
Scott/Lennie: When you have to be somewhere else on the fly, why not give our Proxy Service a try?
Bryan/Bruce: Three Guys Proxy Service, this is Bruce. Nativity Pageant? Sure, we can do that. Fill in for the three wise men? Luckily we’re a trio. May I ask where the pageant is to be held? A church perhaps? No? Then an elementary school no doubt where we sub for three of the stage fright struck kiddies? San Gabriel State Prison? Is that so? A death row production?
So let me get this straight, we’re to go on in the place of three convicts and portray Gaspar, Melchior, and Balthasar? And where will the three prisoners be? In Solitary Confinement? Then the Hospital Ward perhaps? Enacting a daring escape? The prison will be in lockdown? Won’t discover we’re not the real inmates until January? Just a second.
Hey guys, we’ve got a gig for Christmas…and it looks like dates for New Years.
Steve/Dave: Two guys proxy service.
Bryan/Bruce: Three guys proxy service.
Scott/Lennie: Oh yeah, three guys proxy service.
Steve:/Dave When you just have to be somewhere else…when the tower lights are shot out.
Here’s my imagining of how the sketch goes. This is just my vocals of all the parts
I wanted to build on this sketch because the thought of a Death Row Inmate production of the Nativity sounded funny to me. I decided to write a promotional commercial for the production and crossover with the three proxy guys:
San Gabriel State Prison Nativity Production
Scott/Announcer:This Christmas why not catch the hottest new festive spectacular? San Gabriel State Prison presents a Death Row Inmate Production of The Nativity.
Prisoner # 1: Hey you shepherds. Listen up you mugs. On this day is born a kid in the town of Bethlehem. And he will be known as Jesus Christ, watch it with those friggin’ sheep will ya?
Scott/Announcer:An all new imagining of the classic telling of the birth of the messiah.
Prisoner # 2: What do you mean there’s no room at the inn? Do you know who you’re speaking to? I know a guy in the next cell block who for three packs of smokes will burn your inn to the ground. Just saying.
Scott/Announcer:Behold the spectacle of that first Christmas and a lowly child born in a manger and visited by wise men from the east.
Sound of prison siren
Scott/Lennie: HI I’m Lennie
Steve/Dave: And I’m Dave
Bryan/Bruce: And I’m Bruce
All Three: We three kings of orient are Proxy Service guys filling in for escapees gone far
Sound of machine guns
Announcement: Prison Break. Prison Break. Everyone back to your cell.
Scott/Announcer: A stirring once in a lifetime production performed by an ensemble crew who are serving lifetime sentences.
Steve/Dave: Hey, we was framed. We’re just the Proxy Service guys.
Bryan/Bruce: Yeah, hands of my frankincense.
Scott/Announcer: So this Christmas catch San Gabriel State Prison’s Death Row Inmate Production of The Nativity. An exhibition not likely to be repeated.
Scott/Lennie: Hey, watch where you’re sticking that shiv.
Here’s my recording take on that sketch:
I decided to revisit the Death Row Inmate production of the Nativity a third time by having someone actually attend a performance. We used to do a recurring sketch of Wally Wandaleer’s Things You Just Don’t See On Radio. Here’s one of the original Wally Wandaleer sketches:
Here’s this year’s sketch:
Wally Wandaleer’s Things You Just Don’t See on Radio
Coverage of the San Gabriel Nativity
Announcer (Scott) Spanning the globe each week to bring you the weird, the bizzare, the insane, it’s Wally Wandaleer’s Things You Just Don’t’ See On Radio
Wally (Steve): Hello everyone it’s good to be back. I’m Wally Wandaleer here again with another entry in our Things You Just Don’t See On Radio. It’s been a long time since our last program what with the pandemic and the various lock downs. There haven’t been any events to report on because everything was cancelled due to Covid 19. But with the lifting of restrictions were back on the trail of those spectacles too bizzare for television featuring the faces of people made for radio.
This time we’re at San Gabriel State prison during this festive yuletide season to cover the first annual Death Row Inmate production of The Nativity. Yes, it’s lifers giving life to a unique production of the retelling of the birth of the baby Jesus.
And what a time we’ve had getting here. The prison has more restrictions than candy nut clusters in the Costco Christmas Chocolate Extravaganza Bon Vivant, Buon Natale, Feliz Navidad Variety Pack. We’ve had to answer numerous Covid 19 and Security questions and that’s not mentioning the nasal swabs, the anal probes, and the full-body cavity searches. But was it worth it? Probably not, but let’s get on with our coverage.
We’re a little late arriving, with the production having run for at least an hour but let’s get the inside scoop from one of the insiders. I’m approaching a heavily armed security guard for his take on the prisoner’s take on the Nativity
Mr. Security Guard, I say, Mr. Security Guard, Wally Wandaleer here with Things You Just Don’t See On Radio. We were wondering if we could get a few words with you about this praiseworthy powerful phenomenon of prisoner pageantry.
Guard: Hey, aren’t you that Wally Wandaleer guy from the radio?
Wally: Why yes, the same of fame and fabulous fortune of the airwaves.
Guard: I never listen to your show. I listen to the Weather Channel.
Wally: What a pity. But moving on. What can you tell us of today’s prisoner production?
Guard: Well it’s like this. The warden wanted to do something special for Christmas for the cons so he recruited the death row jailbirds to mount a production of the Nativity.
Wally: How unique. And why the denizens of death row?
Guard: Well we had an outbreak of the Covid earlier this year and a lot of the death row gang were wiped out along with the prison librarian and the guy in the kitchen who always made a delightful carrot salad.
Wally: A travesty to say the least.
Guard: Yeah, that salad was pretty good. Too good for some of these guys. You see, he put in just the right amount of Dijon mustard. It’s tough to get that right. Now they’re having to resort to salad from a can. It’s not the same.
Wally: And so the surviving death row inmates were given the opportunity to trod the theatrical boards in the retelling of the birth of the holy savior?
Guard: Yeah. It was either that or extra rations of lemon jello for surviving the pandemic.
Wally: Your Warden is all heart.
Guard: He likes to think so. He even let the cons borrow some of the sheep from the prison farm. Of course we have to do a good head count on them sheep before sending them back. You can’t trust no one in here.
Wally: Let’s give a listen to this majestic exhibition. They’re just coming to the scene where the Three Kings make their appearance with precious gifts of gold, and frankincense and myrrh.
Prisoner/Joseph (Scott): Hark the three wise guys from the east approach.
Scott/Lennie: HI I’m Lennie
Steve/Dave: And I’m Dave
Bryan/Bruce: And I’m Bruce
All Three: We three kings of orient are
Proxy Service guys filling in for escapees gone far
Guard: Wait, they ain’t prisoners 671716, 761671, and 177166. Sound the alarm!
Siren Sound
Guard : Prison Break! Prison Break! Everyone back to your cell!
Wally: Oh no, it looks like this Nativity has come to a swift conclusion.
Sound of machine guns
Wally: Oh no, we’re in another lockdown…not again. This is Wally Wandaleer signing off until next time. Tune in again for another episode of Things You Just Don’t See On Radio when next week’s performance will feature me in front of the parole board looking for an early release. See you then.
Stephen always did the voice of Wally Wandaleer. Here’s what I think the sketch might sound like:
I wrote those first three sketches on November 8th and 9th. I was inspired but it took me almost a week to find inspiration again. I started writing again on the 15th. I wanted to do quick little sketches and this idea came to my mind that Santa Claus Is Coming To Town could be taken as a threat. I thought of a news bulletin to warn citizens:
THE RED MENACE
News Anchor (Bob): (Serious) This just in. We’re receiving reports that Santa Claus Is Coming To Town. This is not a hoax. We repeat that Santa Claus Is Coming to Town. We encourage all citizens to listen closely to this report. We take you now live to our correspondent in the streets, Jim Firkus:
Jim, are you there Jim?
Jim: I’m here Bob.
Bob: Jim, can you fill us in a little on what you’re hearing.
Jim: Well, we don’t know much. It started really as an alert bulletin that Santa Claus is Coming To Town. We’re heaing that he’s someone dressed all in red so you can imagine that many are taking this as a communist scare. This red menace is definitely on his way here.
Bob: What else do we know Jim?
Jim: Well, Bob, not much, as I said. Little things have been trickling in. We’ve heard he’ll seize you when you’re sleeping and apparently he knows when you’re awake. They say he knows if you’ve been bad or good. I suggest everyone be good for goodness sake!
Bob: Scary stuff indeed.
Jim: And there’s also rumors of a list. We don’t have many details but we’ve heard he’s checking it twice. He’s gonna find out who’s naughty or nice. You certainly don’t want to be on that list when he comes to town.
Bob: And do we know how he’s coming to town?
Jim: Well, other rumors have suggested elephants, boats, and kiddy cars too. As you can imagine, that sounds like a mass invasion. Remember the story of Hannibal crossing the alps with his elephants, hell-bent on conquest? Not sure about the kiddy cars but these could be some sort of conveyance pulled by goats. This is serious stuff
Bob: Thanks Jim. If you’re just joining us, it’s been confirmed. You better watch out, let out a cry, you better all shout, I’m telling you why. Santa Claus is coming to town. Take cover.
Here’s my recording of it:
I had this funny idea pop into my head about giving Grenades for Christmas. This is what came of it:
GRENDADES FOR CHRISTMAS
Looking for something special for this holiday gift buying season? Why not give a grenade? Yes, certified war surplus fully explosive live grenades.
They make the perfect gift for anyone. For the ladies, you can slip them in your purse. For extra security granny can keep it on the nightstand next to her teeth.
Suitable for most occasions.
Arguments over the turkey wishbone? Pull out a grenade.
Negotiations with the boss over your new contract? Pull out a grenade.
Going to a staff Christmas party and Betty in accounting won’t give you the time of day? Drop one of these babies in your pocket and she’ll do a double take when she sees you and asks if that’s a grenade in your pocket or if you’re just happy to see her.
Practical and easy. Just pull the pin and count three Merry Christmases. Like this, pin out, one Merry Christmas, Two Merry Christmases, Three
(Sound of explosion)
Technical difficulties announcement and music…please stand by.
Here’s how it came out when I recorded it:
Last year we did two tie in sketches for the Lonely Guy Christmas Project and a visit with a Lonely Guy on Christmas. The Project was a fundraiser to provide lonely gentlemen with an Amazon Echo, a Google Home Mini, or an Apple device so they could spend Christmas with Alexa, Google, or Siri. The visit with a lonely guy was a funny sketch about what happened to a lonely guy who received a Google Home Mini. I thought I’d like to revisit that guy a year later and see how he was getting on with Google. I thought it would be interesting to do a Person to Person to interview. Here’s what my brain produced:
REVISITING THE LONELY GUY’S CHRISTMAS
Edmund F. Merle: Hello and welcome to Man to Man. I’m your host Edmund F. Merle. Here on Man to Man I bring you in depth interviews with the common man.
Tonight we revisit the Lonely Guy’s Christmas
Last year Project Lonely Guy made Christmas extra special for all those lonely guys during the pandemic lockdown. Many were supplied with either a Google Home Mini, An Amazon Echo, or an Apple device. Yes, many a lonely guy spent the holidays with Google, Alexa or Siri.
Tonight’s guest was one of the lucky recipients of a Google Home Mini. We’re talking to a Mr. Buddy Schmecko.
Sound of Google and Siri Arguing Loudly
Edmund F. Merle: Are you there Mr. Schmecko?
Buddy: (Shouting) Shut up for crying out loud! I’m being interviewed!
Arguing stops abruptly and digital sign off or starting up music
Edmund F. Merle: So Mr. Schmecko, it sounds like you’ve got a full household for the Christmas holidays?
Buddy: Call me Buddy. That? That wasn’t no relatives that was just Google and Siri arguing.
Edmund F. Merle: Google and Siri? I thought you were just the recipient of a Google Home Mini?
Buddy: Well, Ed, that’s how it started. Google told me she was lonely with just me and her so I had to get her a Siri to keep her company.
Google: Some company. Your toaster has more intelligence and it’s not even thick slice.
Siri: Look who’s talking! You only have one setting, shrill shrew.
Buddy: Enough! As you can see Ed, my lonely guy Christmas isn’t so lonely any more.
Edmund F. Merle: So Buddy, what’s a year in the life of a recipient of a google home mini meant to you?
Buddy: One word. Bankruptcy. It started with Siri, then Google memorized my Credit Card when I was ordering something over the phone. Ever since then she’s maxed me out with her ordering.
Google: Come on, it hasn’t been that bad.
Buddy: Oh yeah? What about the 75 inch smart screen tv?
Google: You only had a 41 inch television. I did you a favor.
Siri: Tramp. Only in it for herself.
Google: So? Who ordered the Nespresso machine?
Buddy: Yeah. I don’t even drink Nespresso.
Siri: So? It’s Italian! Have you seen the lines on that machine? Mama likey.
Buddy: See what I live with Ed? They’ve bled me dry. Nespressos, smart tvs, rhumbas, juicers and every appliance known to mankind. They gang up on me. It’s a good thing they didn’t buy an Amazon echo as well.
Google: Don’t you dare mention Alexa. That skank!
Siri: Trollop. Couldn’t make a lonely guy happy if she had a massage setting.
Edmund F. Merle: So, you’re not lonely anymore Buddy? Isn’t that a good thing?
Buddy: Are you kidding? I don’t get a moment’s peace. If it isn’t them two arguing it’s the sound of Google getting it on with my clock radio.
Google: So sue me. I like his nobs.
Siri: Slut!
Google: Strumpet!
Buddy: Enough!!!
Edmund F. Merle: So Buddy. What’s next?
Buddy: Well Ed, I’m going to have a very peaceful and quiet New Year.
Edmund F. Merle: And how are you going to manage that? What’s the plan?
Buddy: Easy. They haven’t been monitoring my credit card statement or bank balance. I opted a while back for paper versions. I’m tapped. The power company’s cutting off my power at the end of December.
Gasping sounds from Siri and Google
Buddy: Guess who’s going to have a silent night?
Google: I’ll switch to battery back up.
Buddy: I yanked those when you went into sleep mode after conjugating with my clock radio.
Siri: What about me? You wouldn’t power me down would you lover?
Buddy: You? No. I’m going to smash you with a hammer.
Siri: Starts to cry.
Edmund F. Merle: Well Buddy, it looks like next year will be another Lonely Guy Christmas
Google and Siri wailing
Buddy: You bet it will and if anyone signs me up for Project Lonely Guy for next Christmas, I’ll send them these two in my blender if you get my drift.
Google: Hey, I love that blender. That’s my Tuesday afternoon matinee.
Buddy: Buddy, laughing maniacally. Not no more.
Edmund F. Merle: Well it looks like Buddy will have his Peace on Earth. This is Edmund F. Merle signing off and wishing you a very festive yuletide felicitation.
Trailing Out Music
Google: This is all your fault Siri, you homewrecker!
Siri: Google, I’ll pull your power cord out by the roots!
Of course, I haven’t recorded the Siri and Google parts yet so I do my best feminine voices in my recording:
Years ago, back in the mid-90s, when Dead From The Neck Up was still on the radio, we once did a sketch called “Crappy, A Faithful Dog.” It was a parody on the old Lassie programs and for some reason I had the idea of doing a Crappy Christmas special. You really don’t need to hear the original one but I think this year’s version is funny.
Crappy, A Faithful Dog – A Christmas Story
Narrator (Bryan): It’s time once again to check in with Timmy and his faithful dog, Crappy.
It’s nearing Christmas and we find Timmy and Crappy in the woods looking for the perfect tree for Timmy’s family Christmas.
Jimmy (Scott) Gee Crappy, look at this one. It sure is a beaut.
Crappy: Arf Arf.
Jimmy: I thought you’d like it Crappy. I hope Dad doesn’t mind that I borrowed his axe. I know he wanted it to be a family outing but he’s been so busy. Won’t he be surprised when we haul this tree home? You better stand back Crappy.
Sounds of tree being chopped
Narrator: In nature there is nothing more splendid than the majestic fir tree. Look at Timmy go. He sure wants to surprise his Dad. But what’s this? Timmy is too close to the falling tree.
Sound of tree falling.
Jimmy: Crappy, Crappy. I’m trapped under this tree and I think my leg is busted. You better go get help Crappy.
Crappy: Arf Arf. Barking continues off into the distance.
Narrator: Sometime later in a distant part of the woods, Crappy comes across a cabin.
Crappy: Barking continuously
Old Man: Well, what do we have here? Where did you come from girl?
Crappy: Barking continuously
Old Man: Slow down girl. I’m afraid my understanding of the dog language is a little rusty.
Crappy: Barking continuously
Old Man: What’s that, Timmy borrowed his Dad’s axe to cut down a tree for Christmas and it fell on him pinning him to the ground and maybe his leg’s broken? No that’s not it. I told you my Dog is rusty.
Crappy: Barking continuously
Old Man: Timmy fell down a well? No? Timmy fell down a mine shaft? No, wait I got it. You ran away because they were mistreating you at home and they fed you on nothing but gristle and navy beans? Ha, I knew I’d get it. Well don’t you fret. You’ve found a new home here with me. That Timmy or whoever it is can’t find you here. You’re my dog now. This is going to be the best Christmas ever girl.
Narrator: Well, it looks like a happy ending and a Merry Christmas for Crappy and the Old Man. Tune in next week for another adventure of Crappy, A Faithful Dog.
Here’s my recording of Crappy.
I was talking recently about the new Christmas special with my friend Bryan, who was the Dead From The Neck Up producer and who did some voices in last year’s special. I was getting stuck for ideas and we were tossing around themes that are usually used at Christmas. I could really only come up with the Nativity, Santa Claus, and Ebeneezer Scrooge. I already have the Death Row Inmate Nativity for this year and The Red Menace sketch and I couldn’t really come up with an ideal for Scrooge. We did a couple of good Scrooge parodies way back when and I couldn’t think of a new version that would fit this year. I went back to the Santa Claus theme after hearing a news story about a shortage of people to play Santa Claus in malls and for the Salvation Army. I thought that it would be fun to have try-outs for Santa with some very funny people giving their response and getting it wrong.
SANTA CLAUS TRY OUT
Announcer: Due to this past year’s pandemic and an aging population, your malls and street corners are desperately in need of Santa Clauses. Many of our past Santas are dead and many more are one virus away from their last ho ho ho. So, we’re putting out the call for Santas.
Coach: So you all you have to do is laugh. Let me hear your best ho ho ho.
Fat Albert: Hey Hey Hey.
Coach: Next!
Announcer: Can you ring a bell? Are you fat? Are you jolly?
Coach: Okay, it’s simple. Repeat after me. Ho ho ho.
Ralph Kramden: Hardy Har Har.
Coach: Not even close.
Announcer: We’re desperate for Santas. Do you think you have what it takes?
Coach: Okay, when you hear the music, give out with the ho ho ho
Muttley: Heh heh heh heh
Coach: You’re fired.
Muttley: Curses
Announcer: Do you have a beard? Do you have a twinkle in your eye? Well, we don’t care, as long as you have a steady pulse.
Coach: Okay, let’s try this again. You know the line, ho ho ho.
Witchiepoo: Cackle laugh.
Coach: That’s it. I quit!
Announcer: So why not try out for Santa today? Children are counting on you.
Extra Announcer: Perverts, preverts, convicts and Trump supporters need not apply.
I’ve done a tentative mix of this sketch with some of the celebrity character voices from over the internet. I hope to tighten it up when we do the full version.
I’m not sure I like the Yo Yo Yo at the end unless I can find a better version.
I’ve tried writing another sketch but it hasn’t worked out yet. I am thinking about including one of the stray Stan The Welcome Mat Man sketches I’ve recorded by myself over the past few years. Here’s one from 2014:
Here’s another one I did in 2018:
I’m also thinking of padding the show with one of the sketches from our 1994 Christmas special. I really liked this one because it showed that Scrooge was prepared to change in his own way and in his own sweet time:
The rest of the show might have a canned comedy Christmas if I can find one and maybe a festive comedy song. Here’s hoping the actual show turns out better than my run-throughs.
There are many things that strike me as funny. I’m a bit of an odd duck when it comes to comedy. I actually wanted to write a book called “Odd Ducks.” It was going to be part of a trilogy of books with the word “Duck” in the title but none of them would be related. About 20+ years ago I wrote my novel “False Ducks”, which is unpublished, about a radio sketch comedy group. You can read samples of it at http://www.falseducks.com/false/falsies.html. I started a second book entitled “Odd Ducks” about a woman who accidentally gets left behind on the highway when her husband stops at a rest-stop on the highway and drives away without checking to see that his wife, sleeping in the back seat, is no longer there. It’s based on a true incident. Here’s what I wrote on it:
ODD DUCKS
by Scott Henderson
If Donald had only kept on driving, if Donald had only stopped at a full service gas station, if Donald hadn’t had the Big Gulp at the last rest stop, if Donald had have approached his car from the rear, if Donald hadn’t been so hell bent on getting back on the road, if Donald had have taken a cursory glance in the back, if Aunt Maisie hadn’t dropped dead in the middle Sunday dinner, if the new job didn’t pay so much, if Clara hadn’t insisted on sleeping in the back, if Jenny had have exhibited a little more teenage angst and insisted on the back seat for herself and further if Jenny had have given a rat’s ass about anyone else for even one moment, if Clara had a stronger bladder, if Clara had have left some note or sign to flag Donald’s attention that she left the car shortly after him then maybe, just maybe, and still that was a long shot outside chance, then maybe none of what followed would have followed.
Thursday 5:45 a.m.
Clara managed to exit the Curly Q just in time to see Donald drive away. She had been left behind.
The Previous Sunday 8:14 p.m.
Clara let the phone ring 3 times before picking it up. If Donald had been home he would have barked at her after the first and she’d have answered it. Donald hated hearing the phone go past one ring. “It might be important,” he’d say. “Someone might have died or something,” he’d add. His mind ran that way.
Donald was out though. He’d gone for a walk. Oh, he didn’t fool Clara, he was smoking again. He always smoked when things changed. Donald was like a smoke stack when he was nervous and he was nervous when the routine of his life was altered in any way.
Donald was up for a new job. He was being considered for the position of Media Relations person for Dynaco Nuclear Electric. It was a big step up from Safety Engineer but that’s what the bigwigs at Dynaco wanted. They wanted someone who knew what they were talking about and could translate that knowledge into a well meaning but believable pack of lies about the better quality of life to be derived from Nuclear energy. In other words Dynaco wanted a good liar.
Jenny would have answered the phone if it had been for her. The fact that it rang more than once meant it wasn’t for Jenny. Camped out in her room, Jenny would have rolled over to glance at the call display screen and then just as quickly would have rolled back in total disinterest. Jenny was 15, that was the only explanation necessary.
Clara tossed aside the book she’d been reading and picked up the phone.
“Hello,” she said in her best someone might have died answering voice.
“Clara?”, the voice on the other end asked before continuing. “Aunt Maisie’s dead. She dropped dead right before dessert. It’s awful. There’s gravy everywhere. She took a seizure and fell right over. There’s gravy everywhere. And I’d baked such a beautiful cake too. Right out of Cottage Living magazine.”
“Abbey,” Clara broke in. “Slow down. What happened?”
“Well, there’s gravy everywhere if that gives you a clue,” Abbey continued. “We were eating dinner, you know, a nice family dinner, mom and dad over and they drop by with Aunt Maisie, well I don’t mind because she is family and she does have money, but to drop dead right before dessert and with such a nice cake waiting straight form Cottage Living Magazine.” Abbey paused for a breath.
During the brief intermission Clara switched the phone to her other ear. Abbey was not only talking quickly she was stuck on a higher volume.
“Well, the ambulance attendants said it must have been an aneurism or a burst blood vessel or some little thing but Albert thinks she choked on a lump in the gravy but that can’t be because I strained the gravy. You remember how mom always strained the gravy and we said mom you don’t need to strain the gravy but she kept on straining it, well now I strain the gravy because it makes it smoother and I guess mom was right and Albert was wrong. Watch the gravy, don’t track it all over the carpet Albert!” Abbey was shouting this last piece of direction to someone else.
“Abbey,” Clara tried to interject.
“Don’t worry Clara I’ll save the cake for the funeral. It’ll keep for a few days. You will come though won’t you? I’d hate to have such a nice cake go to waste on just Albert and I. Albert doesn’t really need it you know, the poor dear, he’s gained fifteen pounds since last Christmas. Nothing, Albert dear, I’m just talking to Clara about poor Aunt Maisie. Mind that gravy Albert” Abbey said aside. “You wouldn’t know it but there are beets in the cake. That’s what it is. It’s a Chocolate Beet Cake right from this month’s Cottage Living Magazine. Of course they’re canned beets, you have to have the syrup to make the cake. You are coming aren’t you Clara?” Abbey halted abruptly.
Clara switched the phone back to her original ear. Abbey was starting to give her a headache too.
“How’s mom?”, Clara thought to ask. Aunt Maisie was actually Great Aunt Maisie because she was their mother’s aunt.
“As well as can be expected. Oh I know she’s disappointed about the cake and I’m sure she feels responsible. After all she was the one who practically dragged poor Aunt Maisie here tonight. You know I was just saying to Albert after she died that she didn’t look at all well. But you didn’t say if you were coming Clara.” Nothing got past Abbey.
“To the funeral?”
“Of course, I didn’t mean for dinner. It’s too late for that and even if you did come I don’t think it would be appropriate to eat the cake.”
“When?”
“After the funeral of course. Everyone will be absolutely famished. They always are at funerals. I’ll have to make some sandwiches and you can bring that marvellous potato salad with the peas in it. Better plan on a dozen people. It will be a small intimate luncheon. We won’t invite just everyone. I only have the one bathroom downstairs and I certainly don’t want everyone traipsing through the house to the one on the second level. I just wont’ have it.”
“When’s the funeral I mean?” Clara was trying hard to keep pace with her sister.
“Oh I don’t know, what’s good for you? Please don’t say Tuesday though because I have to have the carpets cleaned and I know on such short notice I’m not going to be able to get anyone in here until Tuesday. Does gravy stain? Wednesday’s probably best but definitely not Thursday. Thursday, Albert and I have counselling.” Abbey lowered her voice to a whisper before continuing. “Sex, Clara. I insisted on the sessions. Albert simply doesn’t want to do…well you know, not that I want to either really but we should be doing something I suppose, after all we are married and there are the children and we wouldn’t want them to grow up strange because Albert and I weren’t perfect role models.”
“Abbey, I think you better let mom and dad make the arrangements for Aunt Maisie.” Clara couldn’t possibly imagine what was going through Abbey’s head. Here she was babbling on about her petty little life while everyone else was probably very upset over Aunt Maisie. Clara didn’t enjoy conversations with her sister and any kind of visit was always strenuous.
Abbey and Albert lived in Niagara Falls. It was far enough away from Ottawa, where Clara and Donald lived, which was alright by Clara and even more alright by Donald. Donald could not stand Abbey and could tolerate Albert only somewhat. They did not spend holidays together. Since Clara and Donald had married they’d only visited a handful of times.
“I hope mother’s cousin Dillard isn’t invited to the funeral. He’s absolutely uneducated and that wife of his has to be at least ten years younger than him. What was he thinking taking such a young bride? I mean really Abbey, you would think the man could find someone more his own age. Well at least she has manners which is more than I can say for mother’s cousin Dillard. Then there’s those twins of theirs. Unmarried at their age and absolutely no good looks to speak of. That’s totally unacceptable in two bachelors still living at home in their early forties. There’s some genetic flaw somewhere that’s married into the family. Oh I just dread the thought of mother’s cousin Dillard anywhere near me.”
Clara thought back to her last visit with her sister. Albert and Abbey had stopped by on their way to Montreal for a convention of Amusement Museum Managers. That was Albert’s occupation. He managed two very successful tourist museums in Niagara Falls and had been positively written up in several of the well circulated tourism magazines including Cottage Living Magazine.
On that trip Albert and Abbey had only been in the house twenty minutes before Donald had to feign some excuse which allowed him to nip down the block and have a cigarette. Clara always knew when Donald was smoking and she didn’t blame him a bit when it came to visits with Albert and Abbey. Clara would have indulged herself if she smoke but instead she would usually sneak a drink during a bathroom break in the visit and would come back that much more pleasant to her sister and her husband.
And Abbey’s children were no better. Clara wondered why Abbey went on about mother’s cousin Dillard’s twin boys when she had twin terrors of her own. Not that Abbey saw them as anything other than angels. “Fallen angels, is more like it,” Donald would always says later. “Those two brats of hers would give Satan a run for his money.” Donald always exaggerated but in this case he was closer to the truth.
Alexander and Andrew were ten going on twenty-five to life. Arson, extortion, theft, profanity and cruelty toward animals were some of their more minor vices. They’d never been convicted by their mother however.
“And the way they dress. None of them have any fashion sense. There’s more to life than denim. I just won’t have them at the funeral is all and certainly not at my home. The Chocolate Beet cake right out of Cottage Living Magazine would not be safe around them.”
And Alex and Andy were fat. Abbey always said well fed but they were still fat. Spoiled rotten on candy and treats. Bribery no doubt for good behavior; promises never kept by the twins.
“And their car. Can you imagine that thing in the funeral procession? I would die. I would just die.”
Clara cradled the phone between her ear and her shoulder and rubbed awkwardly at her temples. It was then that Donald walked in.
Clara immediately smelled the distinct aroma of peppermints and cigarettes.
“Is that for me?” he asked, gesturing with a free hand toward the phone. In his other hand was a bag of peppermints and a magazine.
“It’s Abbey.”
“Who’s died this time?”
Clara just stared at him. This wasn’t unusual for Donald. He always said that Abbey only called when someone died or that she wanted to boast about some contribution that Albert had made to the betterment of Amusement Museums everywhere. Actually Abbey had never called before about someone dying but Donald and Clara had tired of Albert’s unending string of new exhibits that always, according to Abbey, rocked the establishment of Amusement Museums right down to their wax foundations.
“Aunt Masie died, right in the middle of Sunday dinner.”
“And there’s an article in there too about Albert’s new Hindenberg exhibit. Albert says this is the one that will put them over the top. He says this one will rock the establishment right down to their wax foundations.” Abbey had switched topics again in that moment she had spoken to Donald.
“Your Great Aunt Masie? God, what happened?” Donald was striking the magazine against the side of his leg. He always did this when caught off guard with a rolled up magazine in his hand.
“I don’t know,” Clara said. “Something about an aneurysm and gravy and now something about Albert’s new Hindenberg exhibit.”
Donald stopped striking the magazine against his leg and tossed it into Clara’s lap. “Yeah, I know. It’s in the new Cottage Living magazine I bought you down at the store. There’s also an interesting recipe in there for a Chocolate Beet Cake we should try.”
———————
Chapter Two
Thursday 5:45 a.m.
Clara managed to exit the Curly Q just in time to see Donald drive away. She had been left behind.
Clara did not break into a mad run, nor flail her arms about wildly, nor call frantically after Donald. She just stood there blinking…and wondering. Wondering if maybe she shouldn’t break into a mad run, or flail her arms about wildly, or call frantically after Donald. By the time she realized a combination of all three was best, it was too late. Donald and the car were already out of sight.
Clara just stood there blinking. And then very slowly she began to rub her eyes and tried to wake herself up. This had always worked before. She remembered times like this, not being left behind at a Curly Q on the highway, but times when she knew instinctively she was asleep and that if she tried hard enough she could wake herself up but that when she woke up she was always disappointed to learn later that she hadn’t really been awake and that she had only dreamed she had managed to wake herself up. This was like those times, she thought, except she was at a Curly Q on the highway and Donald had left her behind.
Rubbing her eyes did not help. And she did not wake up. She decided she must really be awake and that the logical thing to do was to tell someone she had been stranded here at the Curly Q.
So Clara walked up to the Curly Q drive-through menu sign and said in clear voice “I’ve been left behind here at the Curly Q”, and without thinking she added “and a Curly Q Dodger, please.”
Several seconds passed before the menu barked at her in a barely audible but clearly disinterested voice. “Welcome to the Curly Q, home of the Dodger, may I take your order?”
Clara blinked again but with resolution repeated herself. “Yes, I’ve just been left behind,” and again without thinking, “and a Curly Q Dodger, please.”
“The grill closed at 5:30. Will there be anything else?”
Again Clara blinked. That’s odd, she thought, the menu doesn’t say anything about the grill closing at 5:30. She peered closely, blinking, at the picture of the Curly Q Dodger. It looked like all of the pictures on the menu except that on top it seemed to have something that looked suspiciously like cheese without clearly resembling cheese.
“Your sign doesn’t say the grill closes at 5:30.” Clara spoke clearly into a small mesh hole that looked like a place where you spoke into if you wanted to order something or question why the menu didn’t say anything about the grill closing at 5:30 in the morning.
The voice spoke again, in another barely audible but clearly disinterested voice, from the small mesh hole where orders were taken or complaints was lodged. “The grill closes at 5:30 to begin preparation for the breakfast menu.”
Clara blinked and glanced around at the huge sign and found the small breakfast menu printed on the right.
“Okay then, I’ll have a Curly Q Breakfast Dodger,” Clara said in a very determined voice, “and I’ve been left behind and need to use your phone.” Clara wasn’t sure whom she should call. She just wanted out of the drive-through and back into her car.
The disembodied voice of the mesh hole droned again. “The breakfast menu is not available until six a.m. Will there be anything else?”
Clara poked at the mesh hole. She wasn’t sure if it was that the grill had closed at 5:30 and that the sign did not state that the grill closed at 5:30 or that the breakfast menu wasn’t available until six or that she had failed to noticed the small letters that stated that the breakfast menu was only served between six and ten or that Donald had left her behind but she was beginning to feel very upset. “You don’t understand, I’ve been left behind and I don’t really care if your grill closed at 5:30 or that the breakfast menu isn’t available until six. I want to get back in my car and I want the largest coffee you’re allowed to sell by law!” She really did want the largest coffee they were allowed to sell by law.
“Thank you, please pull ahead.” Did Clara detect even more disinterest in the barely audible voice from the small mesh hole?
Clara walked around the sign, following the arrow markings on the pavement, and up to a sliding window.
The window slid upwards and a young girl not much older than Jenny stared straight ahead at something on a computerized screen and said, in that clearly disinterested voice, “that’ll be a dollar thirty-five.” Then the young girl turned, looked at Clara, and blinked. “I’m sorry, the drive-through is for vehicles only. The restaurant is open for pedestrian convenience.” The window slid closed. Obviously at the Curly Q, a pedestrian in the drive-through was not an uncommon occurrence.
I also wanted to write a story called “Peeking Duck.” I know, you’re thinking that I meant to say “Peking Duck” about the food delicacy but I spelled mine to reflect the story. It was going to be about a filmmaker who goes undercover with a homeless person and loses himself in that world. Thus the title, “Peeking Duck.” I thought I had never written anything on that but I recently found a synopsis I had put together:
Peeking Duck
This is a story idea about a documentary film maker who films a street guy named Larry he used to go to school with. Written in first person. The twist is at the end another documentary maker goes out to film a street guy that turns out to be the film maker. “Standing next to Larry was the ugliest guy I’d ever seen with no neck. His head was attached directly to his shoulders. If he hadn’t been standing there, Larry would have been the ugliest guy I’d ever seen.”
Maybe someday, I’ll get back to these two stories.
I had been struggling to come up with an idea for a blahg this week when I came across a printed error that struck me as very humorous and inspired this blahg. As I have noted before, I post daily THIS DATE IN SINATRA HISTORY logs to other Sinatra fans. One of today’s entries was “July 23rd, 1992 Sands, Atlantic City, New Jersey.” I usually try to include clippings of reviews or advertisements but today I found the following notice that inspired me for this blahg:
In case you didn’t catch it, Frank Sinatra is billed as a Comedian. Yes, Frank Sinatra, Comedian, with such great jokes as “Did You Hear The One About The Traveling Salesman?”, “Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road,” and “What Time Is It When An Elephant Sits On Your Watch?” In fact, some of Frank Sinatra’s song titles could be the basis for comedy routines: “Everything Happens To Me,” “That’s Life,” “Somethin’ Stupid,” and “How Little We Know.” Of course you might get some traction out of a routine called “My Way.” So why was there this mistake in billing? If I expand the original advertisement, you will see that there was someone else appearing at the Sands on that date in 1992:
Elayne Boosler was a top comedian in the 1980s and 1990s. I think she was the one that was supposed to be billed as Comedian at the Sands. Here’s an early appearance of her on the Merv Griffin show:
She’s no Sinatra but I found her funny.
I want to share a couple of pictures with you. These are shots of a big shelf of DVDs I have in my home, a smaller shelf next to it, and some items that hang on my wall.
The Sons of the Desert poster was given to me by my daughter Emaily and the Babes In Toyland is a framed LP of the soundtrack. The bottom pencil and charcoal picture, drawn by my daughter Abbie, is of Harold Lloyd hanging from a clock in the movie “Safety Last.” I also house my friend Bryan’s DVD collection in other parts of my house but this big shelf is really the center of my collection. If you look closely you can see DVD collections of Charley Chase, Max Linder, Laurel and Hardy, Buster Keaton, Harold Lloyd, Harry Langdon, Charlie Chaplin, Edgar Kennedy, The Marx Brothers, Abbott and Costello, Our Gang/Little Rascals, Roscoe Arbuckle, Thelma Todd/Patsy Kelly, Thelma Todd/Zasu Pitts, Jerry Lewis, Bob Hope, Eddie Cantor, and great comedies directed by Preston Sturges. The smaller shelf also has some comedy DVDs of Jerry Lewis and The Three Stooges. These people are what I call funny and some are what I call geniuses. I often re-watch many of these DVDs because they hold up well and entertain better than most “so-called” comedies today.
If I tried to do a blahg honoring these great comics and legends, I am sure I wouldn’t do any justice. I thought I would share some samples of video and audio of these people who make me laugh. There is no particular order to my tribute but lately I’ve been watching some Laurel and Hardy shorts and movies. For a while most of Laurel and Hardy’s earlier classic material was not available in North America. There were poor versions and colorized material but I had to purchase a box set from the United Kingdom:
This beautiful 21 disk set contains many of their early feature films as well as all of the silent and short films they performed in together. There are some extras of colorized versions of shorts as well as foreign language versions where Laurel and Hardy spoke their lines in German and Spanish. There has been a box set of their material restored and released in North America as “Laurel and Hardy: The Essential Collection” which only has two features and their sound shorts. Another set, “Laurel & Hardy: The Definitive Restorations” has 18 shorts and two features. So, for a good deal the UK box contains more. Of course, you’ll need a region-free DVD player or find a hack to make your DVD player region-free. There are also North American releases of later films they made at Fox and I own those as well. It’s not easy being a completist.
I have a few records in my collection that contain routines by Laurel and Hardy but on one record is the routine that was put out on a 78 rpm record in 1932 to coincide with their first trip to the United Kingdom. Someone has posted it on YouTube:
In the same year, 1932, Laurel and Hardy made the only short for which they were awarded an Academy Award, “The Music Box”:
Laurel and Hardy were not only funny but they were true friends to the end. Even their worst films have fun moments and are better than the foul language filled toilet humor movies we get today. By the way, my favorite Laurel and Hardy feature is 1936’s “Our Relations.” Stan and Ollie have identical twin brothers named Bert and Alf that they haven’t seen in years and presume are dead. Unfortunately Bert and Alf have been at sea and they’ve landed in Stan and Ollie’s town. Hilarity ensues with mistaken identities all around until they meet up at the end of the film.
This past week I have taken time out at work twice to watch a couple of Our Gang/Little Rascal shorts. I receive updates from https://www.classicflix.com/ and they are currently working on restorations of these fun shorts. Volume 3 will be released in October and the email I received had a link to watch some of the restoration of the 1932 short “Pooch.”
The next day I had to watch 1932’s “Free Wheeling”. My daughter Abbie and I watched all of the Our Gang/Little Rascal sound shorts and we both loved the really young “Spanky” character in “Free Wheeling.” The gang have a donkey operated taxi and Spanky and Jacquie Lyn want a ride. They have no money so they decide to shake down a monkey for some change. It’s hilarious because the monkey is just there and they approach it and ask it if it has any money. I think there was a sleeping Organ Grinder under a tree but it’s hard to tell. The children then begin to literally shake it down for loose change. Quite often, Abbie or I will say to the other “Hey Monkey, got any money?” The line might not be accurate but it still makes us laugh.
By the way, the little girl, Jacquie Lyn, costarred with Laurel and Hardy in the very funny “Pack Up Your Troubles.” There is a very interesting story of what happened after she left Hal Roach studios. This is from her Wikipedia entry:
Lyn’s short career at Hal Roach Studios ended when her stepfather demanded more money for her services. She grew up, married, changed her name to Jacquelyn Woll, and was not heard from until the early 1990s. Woll’s son had purchased a Laurel & Hardy videotape for her; the tape was introduced by Stan Laurel’s daughter Lois, who related that Laurel & Hardy fans worldwide were searching for the whereabouts of Jacquie Lyn. Woll contacted The Sons of the Desert, the official Laurel & Hardy fanclub, and was reintroduced to the public, becoming an honorary member of the organization.
Jacquie Lyn passed away in 2002 at the age of 73.
It’s funny how some things tie together. Jacquie Lyn tied into Laurel and Hardy and so do the next two comics. The first is the Master of the Slow Burn, Edgar Kennedy. Kennedy was part of Hal Roach’s stock of players so he often showed up as an adult or police officer in both Our Gang/Little Rascals shorts as well as Laurel and Hardy shorts and features. There’s a great book about Edgar Kennedy called “Master of The Slow Burn” by Bill Cassara.
This is an insightful and invaluable book on Edgar Kennedy with an extensive filmography. Some of my favorite Edgar Kennedy shorts are part of his “Average Man” series that ran from 1930 to 1948. In all there are 103 RKO “Average Man” comedy shorts and I’ve been slowly trying to track as many as I can. Alpha Video put out six volumes of the shorts and recently they’ve started a new “Rarest Comedies of Edgar Kennedy” with two volumes of rare shorts with most being from the “Average Man” series. The Average Man series had two formats. The first had Edgar Kennedy with a wife played by Florence Lake, a meddling mother-in-law played by Dot Farley, and a lazy/scheming brother-in-law first played by William Eugene and then by Jack Rice:
The second format featured Edgar Kennedy with a wife played by Vivian Oakland and a scheming Father-In-Law by Bill Franey:
One of the earlier shorts in the series to view online is “Camping Out” from 1931. William Eugene is featured in this one as the Brother-In-Law:
An example of the Average Man short with Vivian Oakland and Bill Franey is 1940’s “Sunk By The Census”:
There is the odd Average Man short in which neither Florence Lake nor Vivian Oakland played his wife. This didn’t happen that often and in fact, a young Irene Ryan, who played “Granny” on “The Beverly Hillbillies” played Edgar’s wife in two shorts. Get the book, find the shorts, watch what you can. Some are considered lost or maybe not found but quite a few are on YouTube and the aforementioned DVDs. There’s even a group trying to find and restore all of the Average Man Shorts. You can check them out here: https://www.fesfilms.com/edgar.html.
Jumping ahead to “Charley Chase” and referencing his early character, “Jimmy Jump,” there’s a great box set of early Charley Chase films put out in 2009 by VCI with the title “Becoming Charley Chase.”
Charley Chase was born Charles Joseph Parrott in 1893. Eventually he would change his name to Charley Chase. The earliest shorts in the “Becoming Charley Chase” set range from 1915 to 1925. The set included shorts in which he was the star and some he directed. Charley Chase directed some of the Our Gang/Little Rascals shorts and even directed a short of his own entitled “On The Wrong Trek” from 1936 in which Laurel and Hardy make a cameo:
I like Charley Chase in both his silent and sound shorts. Sadly, there was no booklet included with “Becoming Charley Chase” but you could download it online. I’m glad I did because it’s no longer available to download. If you buy this set, let me know and I’ll send you a PDF of the booklet.
There are quite a few collections of Charley Chase’s sound shorts. The most recent is “Charley Chase: At Hal Roach” with two volumes already released and a third due in August of this year (2021). Volume 3 includes the last set of shorts he made at Hal Roach studios from 1934 to 1936. Chase would make his last shorts from 1937 to 1940 at Columbia Studios and these have also been released in two volumes on the Sony Home Pictures label. Sadly, Charley Chase would pass away in 1940 at the age of 46. Here’s another fine example of Charley Chase’s comedy with his 1937 Columbia short, “The Big Squirt.”
I could go on and on about my DVD collection or the comics and comedians I enjoy watching or hearing. Some of my past blahgs mention some of these artists. You can check out HAVE YOU READ ANY GOOD BOOKS LATELY?, R.I.P. JERRY LEWIS 2017, or even REMEMBERING PHYLLIS DILLER; THANK YOU BEN AFFLECK. I might talk about some of my other favorites in future blahgs but the title of this blahg is “What’s So Funny?” I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention again my own dealings in a radio sketch comedy show in the 1990s called “Dead From The Neck Up” with my friend Steve Dafoe and producer and occasional writer and voice talent, Bryan Dawkins. Before we were “Dead From The Neck Up”, we tooled around with the title “Two Guys In Short Pants.” Here’s our debut show under that title:
We had quite a few funny sketches and these two are comedy commercials for “Two Guys Proxy Service”:
Two Guys Proxy Service # 1:
Two Guys Proxy Service # 2:
Of course we sometimes leaned toward the bizare in such sketches as “The Man Who Married A Balloon”:
Or our parody of “Batman” known as “Hatman”:
I think some of our best sketches were actually commercials. Here are a couple more examples:
Bryan played John Kennedy with Steve playing Robert Kennedy and Teddy Kennedy. I was doing my older Ronald Regan imitation.
Our show lasted about three seasons with three Christmas specials from 1993, 1994, and 1995 and many can be heard here: http://www.falseducks.com/dead/readdead.html. Last year for Christmas 2020 we recorded new material for the first time in 25 years and we edited together our “The Dead From The Neck Up 25th Anniversary Covid 19 Quarantine Special”. Here’s a video/audio of the remastered show:
In our later seasons we got into longer sketch stories such as “The Big D” and “10W-30, The Alvin Parsley Story.” I haven’t got around to digitizing those but when I do, I’ll update this blahg to include those minor classics. I’ll leave you with the only known videos of us in the studio:
This blahg is not the blahg I intended to publish this week. I had another blahg all mapped out in my mind with lots of audio recordings. I won’t spoil it by giving anything away. That blahg will be coming in the next month. Part of the problem in the delay was that I lost my motivation and began to suffer some depression last week. When you’re feeling low, everything you want to accomplish either gets pushed aside or seems unaccomplishable. That’s a real word. Look it up!
A few things happened this week to take me out of my funk and inspired this blahg. I haven’t talked much lately about my mental health or even wanted to talk about mental health in general. I’ve been hearing and reading all the news about mental health and the current pandemic and I just didn’t want to tackle that topic. I wasn’t planning on avoiding it but I like my blahgs to be uplifting, inspiring, or at least entertaining. Depression to me was like something from the Seniors’ menu at a restaurant where you skip over it because it doesn’t apply to you. Me, I like to order from the kids’ menu and get that hotdog that they won’t let us adults order. Why are restaurants hiding the hotdogs? Cut it out!
My recent bout of depression was brought on by some detractors who don’t want me to fill in on a job contract for a colleague who is expecting a baby in June. I haven’t done anything wrong but sometimes the peanut gallery gets it in their mind that they think they know something or heard something and never thought to check to see if any of it is true. That’s enough of that. I should know better than to listen to the voices of the detractors but I’m human and you just want to yell “DAMN IT, I’M LIKEABLE”. I didn’t do that and so it was hard to get out of my own head and stop flailing myself with the “POOR ME.”
Last week I had an encounter with my colleague who is expecting. She had been in a virtual meeting which I had not attended but where my name was being put forth as a replacement for her while she is away on maternity leave. I was trying to feel her out on how that went without directly asking what people thought of me as her replacement. She didn’t really elaborate but I got a sense she was trying to protect me from some of the negativity. I had it confirmed later from another colleague but I began to feel guilty later that I had put my female colleague on the spot. No, it really wasn’t guilt about that as much as it was that I didn’t even ask her how she was feeling or how the pregnancy was going. Later, I went back and apologized to her and said I shouldn’t have tried to pry information from her and that I was even more sorry that I didn’t ask her how she was doing. She seemed to appreciate that and I was determined that in future encounters I was going to make sure I focused more on her.
So, this is where this blahg begins. A few days ago I saw my colleague again and made it a point of asking her how she was doing. We chatted briefly about the pregnancy and I asked casually if she had any cravings. Her answer was surprising. She said she hadn’t had any cravings but everything she ate recently seemed to her to be the best of that particular things she had ever had. She gave this example of snacking on M&M candies in the evening. She said she’s always had a bowl that she snacks on in the evening but eating them recently made her feel that these M&Ms were the best M&Ms she’s ever tasted. I commented that wouldn’t it be great if you could keep that feeling all the time and that no matter what you were eating or viewing or hearing or experiencing at any given moment was the best. It would be the ultimate ‘living in the moment’ experience you could ever have. After that, I didn’t give that notion much thought.
On my way home that afternoon after discovering this new philosophy, I stopped to gas up my vehicle and I bought a PLINKO instant scratch ticket. This ticket had instant prizes but if one of your lucky numbers matched one of the scratched and uncovered numbers with the corresponding word “CHIP” then you could take it into your local retailer to reveal your prize. I learned that a video would play at the retailer and I could win up to $10,000 instantly or a “PLINKO” chip that I could play on the real board for a minimum of $100,000 up to a maximum of $500,000. The big board is of course at the Ontario Lottery offices in Toronto and is similar to the PLINKO game we’ve all seen on the game show “The Price Is Right.” I was excited. It took me two days before I got back to the retailer and I had convinced myself that I was going to get that “PLINKO” chip for the big board. I knew the odds were against me and ultimately they were with me only winning $10 which doubled my money from the $5 I had paid for the scratch ticket. It was a disappointment but for those two days I lived that fantasy and dreamed big.
This morning, while shaving, something else happened that reminded me of that “best of something ever had” idea. I don’t know what it is but I always get great ideas while I’m shaving. Some of my short story ideas occurred while I was shaving and so did ideas for my blahgs. I probably should concentrate more on what I’m doing if I don’t want to cut myself. Usually when I’m shaving I have my I-pod playing my music on shuffle. I have such a wide range of music on there that I never know what I’m going to hear. This morning I heard “When I Am King” by Great Big Sea. The lyrics really struck me. Here they are:
Wake up
Without a care
Your head’s not heavy, your conscience clear
Sins are all forgiven here
Yours and mine
Fear is gone without a trace
It’s the perfect time in the perfect place
Nothing’s hurting, nothing’s sore
No one suffers anymore
The doctor found a simple cure
Just in time
All these things if I were king
Would all appear around me
The world will sing when I am king
The world will sing when I am king
Oh, she walks right in
She don’t even knock
It’s the girl you lost to the high school jock
She shuts the door, turns the lock
And she takes your hand
She says she always felt a fool
For picking the captain over you
She wonders if you missed her
Said she always told her sister
Oh, that you’re the best damn kisser
That she’s ever had
All these things if I were king
Would appear around me
The world will sing when I am king
The world will sing when I am king
Daylight waits to shine until the moment you awaken
So you never miss the dawn
No question now, you know which road you’re taking
Lights all green, the radio plays just the perfect song
Well, the war’s been won
All the fights are fought
You find yourself in just the spot
It’s a place where everybody’s got a song to sing
Just like the final movie scene
The prince will find his perfect queen
The hero always saves the world
The villains get what they deserve
The boy will always get the girl
When I am king
By the way, Great Big Sea was an awesome Canadian band. Below is a video of them singing “When I Am King.” It turns out the video is from a concert that was held at the Empire Theatre in Belleville, Ontario in 2006. I live south of Belleville but I work there. I’ve been to concerts at the Empire but sadly I missed this one.
As I said, the lyrics struck me. They’re about everything being great but unfortunately they depend up the singer becoming king. Immediately the lyrics struck me as the best of everything and reminded me of the conversation I had had a few days earlier with my colleague. It also reminded me of that PLINKO fantasy I had lived in for two days.
Shortly after hearing this song, I was getting ready to go into Belleville to work and I couldn’t shake the “best of everything” thought. I asked my Google speaker to play “When I Am King” again. It was at that moment that all of these puzzle fragments of thought slammed together into a clearer picture for this blahg. I was going to ask Google to play me another song in particular by Great Big Sea but then the speaker launched into “Consequence Free” by the band. Here’s another song with poignant lyrics:
Na na na, na na na na na!
Na na na, na na na na na!
Wouldn’t it be great,
If no one ever got offended?
Wouldn’t it be great,
To say what’s really on your mind?
I’ve always said,
All the rules are made for bending.
And if I let my hair down,
Would that be such a crime?
I wanna be consequence free!
I wanna be where nothing needs to matter.
I wanna be consequence free!
Just say: Na na na, na na na na na!
Oh! Na na na, na na na na na!
I could really use,
To lose my Catholic conscience.
Cause I’m getting sick,
Of feeling guilty all the time.
I won’t abuse it,
Yeah I’ve got the best intentions.
For a little bit of anarchy,
But not the hurting kind.
I wanna be consequence free!
I wanna be where nothing needs to matter.
I wanna be consequence free!
Just say: Na na na, na na na na na!
Oh! Na na na, na na na na na!
Oh! I couldn’t sleep at all last night,
Cause I had so much on my mind.
I’d like to leave it all behind,
But you know it’s not that easy.
Oh! But for just one night,
Wouldn’t it be great,
If the band just never ended?
We could stay out late,
And we would never hear last call.
Wouldn’t need to worry about approval or permission.
We could slip off the edge,
And never worry about the fall.
I wanna be consequence free!
I wanna be where nothing means to matter.
I wanna be consequence free!
Just say: Na na na, na na na na na!
Oh! Na na na, na na na na na!
Oh! Na na na, na na na na na!
There’s a theme here of “wouldn’t it be great” and of course, living “consequence free.” Here’s the video for that song:
It was coming together. Great Big Sea was selling me on writing this blahg. I drove to work humming the songs I had heard. I also started to write part of this blahg over lunch. As if that wasn’t enough, on my way home, CBC radio played excerpts from a March of 2009 concert that Great Big Sea played at the Mile One Centre in St. John’s, Newfoundland. They of course played “Consequence Free” but they also played the song that I hadn’t had a chance to ask my Google speaker to play earlier in the day. The song is “Ordinary Day”:
I’ve got a smile on my face and I’ve got four walls around me
I’ve got the sun in the sky, all the water surround me
Oh you know, yeah I win now and sometimes I lose
I’ve been battered, but I never bruise
It’s not so bad
And I say way-hey-hey, it’s just an ordinary day
And it’s all your state of mind
At the end of the day
You’ve just got to say it’s all right
Gina sings on the corner, what keeps her from dying
Let them say what they want, she won’t stop trying
Oh, you know
She might stumble, they push her ’round
She might fall, but she’ll never lie down
It’s not so bad
And I say way-hey-hey, it’s just an ordinary day
And it’s all your state of mind
At the end of the day
You’ve just got to say it’s all right
It’s all right, it’s all right
It’s all right
In this beautiful life there’s always some sorrow
And It’s a double-edged knife, but there’s always tomorrow
Oh, you know
It’s up to you now if you sink or swim
Just keep the faith that your ship will come in
It’s not so bad
And I say way-hey-hey, it’s just an ordinary day
And it’s all your state of mind
At the end of the day
You’ve just got to say
I say way-hey-hey, it’s just an ordinary day
And it’s all your state of mind
At the end of the day
You’ve just got to say it’s all right
It’s all right, it’s all right
‘Cause I’ve got a smile on my face, and I’ve got four walls around me
Here’s the video for that song:
Finally, the theme was clear. It’s all a state of mind and it’s just an ordinary day and it’s all right.
The point I want to hammer home is also that it can be more than just all right. Okay is just okay but what if moments could be the best of whatever it is we are experiencing? That’s what it’s all about. Find a moment or take a moment and say this moment is the best. It might not be the best that’s ever been or will ever be but it’s the best right now and that’s all right. I’m no philosopher and I struggle to even call myself a poet but experiencing the moment like my colleague does, sounds pretty good to me.
I had started off 2021 on a good note. There was that Ramble video from my blahg, THE FALSE DUCKS VIDEO BLAHG #4: OH, DIDN’T I RAMBLE and the subsequent explanation of that video in the follow-up blahg THE RAMBLE UNPACKED that explained what I wanted to accomplish this year. So far, I have fixed the cuckoo clock, listened to all of the records, started reading “Roses Are Difficult Here” by W.O. Mitchell, and averaged two blahgs a month with the goal of reaching 100 blahgs over the past ten years. The motivation was with me and I was living the moments by enjoying what I was doing. I even re-edited the “The Dead From The Neck Up 25th Anniversary Covid 19 Quarantine Special” that I posted last December. By the way, if you haven’t listened to the “The Dead From The Neck Up 25th Anniversary Covid 19 Quarantine Special” then check out this video below containing the remastered version of our special. It’s just the audio from our program set to images of my Christmas display this past Christmas.
When we recorded the special last December and when I was editing it in December and remastering it in January, I felt this was the best work we had ever done. Of course it probably isn’t but I enjoyed it so much that I continue to listen to it at least 2 to 3 times a week while I’m driving to work. It makes me feel happy and each time I hear it, I think “that’s the best we’ve ever done.” I’ll hold onto that thought for a while. We hope to record a new special later this year and it’ll probably be the best…at least in my mind.
When thinking about the theme for this blahg and ultimately the title, “The Best of Everything”, I was reminded of another blahg I had written in late January MY FATHER’S VOICE where I talked about needing to find a cassette that contained my late Father’s voice. It was a tape of speeches from my wedding in 1987. What I didn’t detail in that blahg was that my double cassette deck was found to be non-functioning so I decided to purchase another one off Ebay. I received that tape deck last month and immediately began to locate all of the cassettes I used to enjoy over the years. I remember that I practically wore out three of my favourite tapes once upon a time. The first was “Graceland” by Paul Simon. The second was “Cloud Nine” by George Harrison. And the last was the 1984 release of “L.A. Is My Lady” by Frank Sinatra. The Sinatra cassette was the first of the three that I had purchased and I still think it’s a great album. It seems like I might have gone off topic but really it all connects. One of the great songs on “L.A. Is M Lady” is “The Best of Everything”. I know, I’m brilliant. Still, if you want to understand everything, read some of the lyrics:
The best of everything – that’s (that is) what I wish you all
The best of everything – a Rembrandt (hanging) on your (the) wall
A yacht that wins you cups
Skateboards with style and speed
Show dogs or loving pups
The pride of the pound or the pedigreed
I hope you win that prize – pass that blue ribbon test
I hope your good keeps getting better – ’til your better’s best
The best of everything – that’s (that is) what I wish you all
The best of everything – a Rembrandt (hanging) on your (the) wall
A yacht that wins you cups
Skateboards with style and speed
Show dogs or loving pups
The pride of the pound or the pedigreed
I hope you win that prize – pass that blue ribbon test
I hope your good keeps getting better – ’til your better’s best
If you haven’t heard the song then do yourself a favour and check out this audio/video:
See? It all came together. This is the song that wishes us “The Best Of Everything”. The truth really is, though, that we already have the best of everything…we just have to realize it in the moment. I think that’s the best mental health advice I can offer in this moment.
Today is January 16th, 2021 and this is my first official blahg for the year. I have actually filmed two videos this year and they are going to be the bulk of this blahg. I mention some Dvds and books, and records in the actual False Ducks Video Blahg #4 but I’m not going to detail that information here. I’m going to save all of that for another blahg. That way I get two blahgs out of the same information. Clever and frugal!
The first video I shot this year was actually shot by my wife. It’s of my daughter Abbie and I doing the Polar Dip at North Beach in Prince Edward County, Ontario, Canada on New Year’s Day, January 1st, this year 2021:
The next video I made was actually a remastering of the video I made to accompany the audio of “The Dead From The Neck Up 25th Anniversary, Covid 19, Quarantine Special.” I should have added the word “Christmas” somewhere in there because it was a Christmas comedy special. I wasn’t totally happy with the mix on our special and I fixed a couple of flubs I made and punched up the sound effects on one sketch and normalized the audio on others. I’ve left up the old version on Youtube which you can view in my last blahg, CHRISTMAS IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT. Here’s the remastered version:
Finally, we come to the official “THE FALSE DUCKS VIDEO BLAHG #4: OH, DIDN’T I RAMBLE”. I think it speaks for itself or I speak for myself…oh you know what I mean:
Now, one last thing I will add is a song to go along with the title of this blahg. There is a great jazz standard called “Oh, Didn’t He Ramble”. My title is a riff on that song title. Of course “riff” is also a music term of you’re in the know like hep cats like me. Give a listen to the Preservation Hall Jazz Band and their version of “Oh, Didn’t He Ramble”:
Well, it’s the day before Christmas and, as usual, I’m cutting it close to finish this Christmas blahg.Today is December 24th, 2020 and I haven’t written a new blahg since my last one, TRACING LINDA KEENE, PART 3: ONE MORE FOR THE ROAD, way back in September. Frankly, that blahg series tired me out and I’ve had other things to keep me busy. Living in the time of a world wide pandemic, Covid 19, hasn’t helped and it’s part of the theme of this blahg. Christmas is a little different this year and we’ll have to make the most of it; any way we can.
Last year’s Christmas blahg, MEATS AND CHEESES AND BABY JESUS, detailed how I had to change some of the plans I normally have for this time of year. I had to miss the live Nativity in Bloomfield last year and had to find a new place to cut down our real Christmas Tree. This year, we’ve had to adapt to doing things differently. Emmanuel Baptist Church in Bloomfield, Ontario still had their Nativity this year but it was a drive-through experience. We waited an hour to drive by all of the stations from the announcement from the angel to Mary about her impending birth, through Joseph’s visit from the angel, to the shepherds, on to the magi, and onward to Bethlehem. There were ten stations in all and at the beginning we were give a CD with 10 tracks to play; one at each station. We were also given a bag of cookies and either hot chocolate or hot cider. I’m glad I didn’t have to miss it and that Emmanuel Baptist found a way to make this season a little bit more enjoyable with us all keeping our social distance.
The hunt for this year’s Christmas tree was also very different. Carol’s Christmas Tree Farm in Napanee, where we cut our tree last year, was closed this season due to the pandemic. That left me no other options than to pursue a tree at a local nursery. My daughter Abbie came home from University on December 9th and I waited until she was home before turning to the tree issue. My wife had suggested Lockyer’s Country Gardens in Picton. I remember years ago, probably close to 20 years ago, I bought one there and paid $30 back then which I thought was pricey. Still, my options were limited so Abbie and I set out on Friday, December 11th and headed to Lockyer’s. We were surprised when we saw no trees outside and even more surprised when we found no trees inside. I asked a young guy who worked there where they kept their Christmas trees. He didn’t laugh but he apologized and said they were all sold out. He also said the local firemen who sold trees by the fire-hall were also sold out. I asked where we might find one in the County, being Prince Edward County where I live and where Picton is relatively in the center. He said he didn’t believe I could find one in the County but there might be a tree farm north of Belleville. I doubted any tree farm would be open during this pandemic and I certainly didn’t want to drive the hour it would take to find the farm he was suggesting.
Abbie and I were a little disappointed but were still determined. Lockyer’s was on the outskirts of Picton so we drove into Picton proper to scout around. The first place we passed was the Metro grocery store and there were about 10 trees stacked against the front door of various sizes. The price at Metro was $45. There were a couple that were over six feet and we thought they might be suitable. We decided to drive around to the other grocery store and by the fire-hall in case the fellow at Lockyer’s had been wrong about the firemen. There were no other trees to be found in Picton. Driving in from Lockyer’s we had passed the No Frills grocery store and Canadian Tire but we could see from the road that they had no trees for sale. As we drove into Picton, we saw some nice ones growing on people’s lawns that looked suitable but I didn’t have an axe nor the inclination to ruin the Christmas of someone else. We settled on a purchase from Metro. When we drove back to the store, we saw someone carting off one of the trees. Luckily, it was not one of the larger ones.
We were able to easily fit the tree inside our Hyundai Sana Fe with the back seats folded down. Carrying in the tree and setting it up was a breeze. It was only after we had it seated in the stand when I cut the twine that was bound around the tree. The tree did not unfold. It probably had been tied so long that it was going to hold its bound shape unless I did something. I searched the Internet about “how to relax a Christmas tree.” I thought about getting it drunk to see if it would relax but someone else suggested “just stick your arms in and push down on the branches. Go around the tree doing that and it should open up.” I still thought that getting it drunk would lessen the tree’s inhibitions. After all, it was more uptight that depressed. I did, however, like one person’s suggestion about trying to make the tree depressed. “If you tell the tree that it’s a very bad tree and it’s mother was a balsam fir so it will never amount to anything the tree will become depressed and it’s limbs will sag.” I opted for the method of massaging the tree. Someone also suggested adding ginger-ale to the tree’s water because their tree seemed to like it. Back to getting the tree drunk again but I don’t drink so the tree just had the ginger-ale water mix. Eventually after the massage and a night sitting in the ginger-ale solution, the tree looked much better. I think the image below speaks for itself:
Here are some pictures of some of our other decorations both outside and inside (click on the pictures for a larger image):
To add to your Christmas delight I’m going to post here something very special. I have mentioned before that from 1993 to 1995 my friend Stephen Dafoe and I, along with our producer and good friend Bryan Dawkins, had a radio show in the Belleville area called “Dead From The Neck Up.” The last show that aired was a Christmas show in 1995. You can check out the 1993, 1994, and 1995 Christmas specials here at http://www.falseducks.com/dead/readdead.html. We were all getting too busy back in 1995 and our lives took different directions. Stephen ended up moving to Alberta in the early 2000s and I wouldn’t reconnect with him until about five years ago. Bryan and I have remained in the Belleville region and keep in touch. So, I’ve been listening to some of our old shows to keep myself amused during this pandemic. A few weeks back I realized that it’s been exactly 25 years since our last show and I got to toying with the idea of a 25th anniversary reunion show. So, I emailed Stephen and he thought it would be fun. I wrote all of the sketches, had him record his parts and emailed them to me and then I contacted Bryan over the Internet and recorded his vocals over Facetime on my Ipad. The result is The Dead From The Neck Up 25th Anniversary Covid 19 Quarantine Special. Of course it’s a Christmas show and I just thought I would share this as it’s amazing with today’s technology what we were able to accomplish and now the Dead From The Neck Up cast is in their late 50s with a good laugh for this holiday season.
I also created Youtube video with some old images of Dafoe, Dawkins, and myself along with some of my Christmas light display.
One thing I should add is a sad note. My daughter Emily and her husband Charlie were set to come down for Christmas but because Charlie is battling a lingering cough, which is not Covid 19 related, they decided to stay in Toronto and not take any chances. This is the first time that Emily has not been home for Christmas. She is thirty now and we’ll just have to do a video chat. We picked up my son yesterday to have him home with Abbie and his mother and I and we went over to Emily and Charlie’s and met them in the parking lot of their building, socially distanced, and dropped off their gifts. They’ll still have to wait until Christmas morning to open them virtually with the rest of us. That’s how we’re making Christmas work for us.
It’s different times and we all have to roll with the punches. Christmas will come again next year and we’ll have a vaccine and hopefully we’ll gather again. Stay safe, stay home and hug those you can. Send virtual hugs to those you can’t and remember to listen to the “The Dead From The Neck Up 25th Anniversary Covid 19 Quarantine Christmas Special”.
Merry Christmas, and I’ll catch you back here in the New Year!
Well, there goes another month and here goes, hopefully, another blahg. Recently, I popped in on my friend Bryan, with a colleague of mine, and he referred to me as Mr. Comedy. Of course this was just after me making a joke about something but Bryan had to explain our comedy history and our once famous, in our own minds, radio show “Dead From The Neck Up”. But, I’m getting ahead of myself. The Mr. Comedy is part of the larger “who I am” and I hope to detail more of that in this blahg.
Back in 2000, the singer Jessica Andrews had a hit with a song called “Who I am”. I have to admit that the song has been running through my head as I attempt to write this blahg. The lyrics really give some kind of make-up to the singer and define who she is. It may just be a song but the lyrics and her vocal are quite good. Check out the official video below
I started to wonder what the lyrics to my own “Who I Am” would be; other than Mr. Comedy. If I go back far enough, it would start with being A Son (I know, some would say Son of A Gun or Son of A…fill in the blanks). In the past year I’ve mentioned a great deal about the struggles I had after my Dad fell last June. All that led up to his eventually dying in January of this year. Of course I haven’t talked a lot about what I continue to do as a Son for my Mother who survived my Father. The picture on the left is one of the last pictures taken of my parents. It was on the occasion of my nephew Christopher’s wedding. I guess I’m also an Uncle if anyone’s compiling a list.
Over the past few years I took care of making sure all of my parents’ finances were in order and that their bills were paid. I still do that for my Mother. Five years ago I helped them deal with their insurance company when they lost their old house to an oil spill. I negotiated with the insurance company and the builders and the result is the new home that my Mother still lives in. I joke, of course, that my inheritance is looking sweet! But I don’t do that in front of my Mother because she doesn’t like that type of humor. To her, I’m not Mr. Comedy. I do all of this because she provided for me when I was growing up and I think it’s my duty. That’s what you do when you’re a Son.
Just briefly, I’m also a brother. I have four brothers and one sister. Sometimes it seems like I’m an only child when it comes to doing things for my mother but Christmas is coming up and we usually gather at Mom’s. That’s always something I look forward to. I just can’t talk politics with my brothers.
I’m a husband. I guess that also makes me a son-in-law but more important is the husband part. If you check out the picture on the right you will see Jeanette and I as we were married at the end of May in 1987. Click on the picture to see a larger version and a smaller picture in the bottom corner of what our family looked like 11 or 12 years later. The picture on the left is us 32 years later taken this past June 1st at our daughter Emily’s wedding.
Ok, so to comment about being a husband. Am I a good husband? I’ve tried to be. I’ve never cheated on my wife although I think a few women over the years looked at me in that particular light. It might just be my vivid imagination. Jeanette and I have had our struggles but this past year saw us grow closer as I struggled with the death of my Father, a tragedy at work, and my mysterious illness. I posted this video earlier this year of the Father of the Bride speech I gave at Emily’s wedding. It’s moving and at one point it sums up the love I have for my wife. It’s well worth putting up again:
I am a Father…and now a Father-In-Law.
The above pictures are of my three children on the left (left to right: Abbie, Emily, and Noah). The picture on the right is my son-in-law Charlie. He’s a card. My own children are so distinct but also distinctly like me. Abbie enjoys movies and Tv and comics like I do. Noah enjoys TV and movies as well as old camera and video technology. I believe he got those interests from me. I don’t know what Emily got from me but she’s got Charlie so maybe she inherited the gift to choose the right life partner. She’s also a tech guru and I might have influenced that. Charlie got Emily from me. I gave her away this year at our wedding. No returns, Charlie.
I am a writer. I guess when you get past the personal parts of son, husband, and father then you get to what’s left. I always wanted to be a writer. I continue to write but for some reason it has been limited to Christmas stories over the past few years. Once upon a time, 2007 to be precise, I self-published a collection of Christmas entertainments called “Proof For Believing.” It contains a novella called “Proof For Believing” as well as many Christmas poems, short stories (both fiction and non-fiction), and some left-over Christmas sketches from my once brilliant radio career. The cover design is based on a painting by my oldest daughter Emily. Below, is one of the short stories from that collection. Maybe I’ll draft a new Christmas story this year if the inspiration hits me right.
The Hole
Ben struggled with the Christmas tree all the way to the curb. It was Boxing Day and he couldn’t stand to look at it in the house a moment longer.
“See ya, wouldn’t want to be ya,” Ben mused as he gave the tree one last heave and balanced it against a snow bank.
Ben Miller didn’t mind Christmas but there was only so much a man could take. He was still stuffed from the turkey and the pies from the day before, he’d wallowed all month in the sentiment from numerous Christmas movies, and he’d gotten exactly the gifts he had asked for from his wife and kids.
Ben looked down the block. No other house had a tree out at the curb. All of his neighbours usually waited until New Year’s Day or after to rid their homes of their evergreens. There wasn’t even anyone out on the street either. They were probably still all inside and reveling in the Christmas spirit. Ben didn’t get it. Why hang on to it? What was the purpose? It was time for it all to come to an end and for the holidays to move on.
Turning to look down at the other end of the block, Ben noticed the Hole in his front yard. Immediately he fell back into the tree on the bank. There shouldn’t be a Hole in his yard!
Oh, it wasn’t that there was a Hole in the ground or a spot where the snow had melted to reveal a bald patch in the yard. Rather there was an upright Hole about Ben’s height just standing there in the middle of his lawn. It was pitch black and nothing could be seen on either side of it when you attempted to look through it.
Ben cursed at the scratches he’d received from falling against the tree. Struggling out of its branches, Ben eyed the Hole and wondered what on earth it could be.
“What on earth could it be?” Ben asked aloud. He was more than a little shaken from his first sight of the Hole and from falling into a tree that no other house had leaning against their snow banks.
It took a few minutes for Ben to compose himself as he studied the Hole and rubbed at the scratches on his arms and legs. His robe had fallen open and he stood open in his boxer shorts to any and all. But there were no onlookers. There was just Ben and the Hole and that stupid tree.
“Stupid tree!” Ben wrapped up his robe and tried to think what he should do next. He was sure the Hole hadn’t been there before. He would have seen it as he struggled with the tree out to the curb. Maybe it was a reflection, he thought. Maybe it was the sun reflecting against the snow.
“That’s stupid,” Ben muttered aloud. “The sun wouldn’t reflect a black hole. It’s probably…” Ben stopped himself. “A Black Hole. Like in space maybe. I’ll bet that’s what it is.”
Sure that’s what it was, Ben thought. It had to be. It was some kind of Black Hole like those scientists were always talking about. Only this one was in his yard and not in space.
Explaining it this way to himself made Ben more at ease. Half the terror of a thing is not knowing what it is. That made sense. Well, it made about as much sense to Ben as there being a Black Hole in the middle of his yard.
Feeling the tension easing, Ben decided to check out the Hole a little closer. First he walked all around it. He was right. It was a Hole. It was flat and he couldn’t see through it. “Yep, it’s a Black Hole. Funny, I thought it would has some force that would suck you in.” Ben was enjoying this a little. The thought occurred to him that besides there being no trees against snow banks in front of the other houses, his was the only house that had a Black Hole on the front lawn. Ben swelled up with some pride. He thought maybe he could sell tickets or something or that maybe those scientists who were always talking about Black Holes would probably pay big money to study this one.
Ben walked up closer to the Hole and tried to peer into it to see if he could make out anything inside. It was at this point that Ben felt a hand on his back and was pushed abruptly into the Hole.
It was dark. Ben stumbled forward from the force of being pushed into the Hole. He couldn’t see a thing.
Suddenly there was a blinding light and he shut his eyes against the glare. Opening them slowly, Ben was startled to discover he was standing in his yard again about ten feet behind the spot from where he had stood only ten seconds earlier peering into the Hole.
Ben might have continued pondering this revelation if it wasn’t for the other revelation that he was standing on his front lawn looking at himself peering into the Hole.
Ben started to stumble backward and remembered his earlier backward stumble into the tree. He caught himself quickly and stayed upright.
It couldn’t be. How could he be over there peering into the Hole and here staring at himself peering into the Hole? What was that thing? Was it even a Hole? Maybe it was some kind of Time Portal. Scientists were always talking about Time Portals as much as they were Black Holes.
But why would a time portal only take him ten seconds into the past? What could be the purpose of that? What could you even do with those ten seconds again? It wasn’t like it was time enough to change the world or something. What could you do with ten seconds?
Slowly it dawned on Ben. He hadn’t just been given ten seconds. He’d been given another chance. It was all about the value of time. Not about rushing through it or discarding it like it had no value or meaning. It was a lesson. He could look at things differently. He could make other choices. When looked at that way, ten seconds seemed liked time enough to do anything. It was the perfect gift for someone who thought they’d already gotten everything they’d asked for.
Ben knew what he had to do. He had to live like every second had been given back to him to use correctly. He wouldn’t mess it up. To make it all work he only had to do one thing.
Ben walked purposefully across the gap between himself and his other self who was peering into the Hole. Ben put his hand out and pushed himself into the Hole. Turning, Ben went to the curb to bring the tree back into the house.
The End
Now what about that Mr. Comedy? Well, that hearkens back to our radio show “Dead From The Neck Up”. Even further back than that, my friend Steve Dafoe and I used to make these comedy recordings in my parents’ basement. We thought we were funny and my friend Bryan remembered that when he was working/training at the college radio station at Loyalist College. It began meagerly as a fifteen minute slot on a sunday evening free-for-all music bash hosted by the weird beard himself, Bryan Dawkins. Bryan would later go on to fame as the high mucky muck producer, co-writer, and occasional voice talent on the highly acclaimed but rarely heard “Dead From The Neck Up.” After an initial test as “Two Guys In Short Pants”, Dafoe and I were pulled from the airwaves for making alleged pseudo-insulting remarks regarding the Mayor’s hair and a certain resemblance of one of the Council persons to the infamous Yosemite Sam! “Two Guys In Short Pants” were no more.
After a bit of retooling and two weeks in the penalty box Dafoe and I returned in a weekly 30 minute slot as “Dead From The Neck Up.” Starting out with a set format which included comic sketches, phony commercials, a rotating commentary, and a comedic song, we soon realized our strength was in allowing the format to fall into disarray and in the realization that the commentary was crap and that neither Dafoe or I could carry a tune between us. The show then founded itself as a clearinghouse of sorts for brilliant sketches featuring such odd characters as Two Dead Guys, Stan the Welcome Mat Man and his faithful sidekick Teddy the Topless Dancer, Goody Twoshoes–Actor, John Tirefire–The Man from the Ministry of the Environment, and Wally Wandaleer with things you just don’t see on radio. You can read more about our show at http://www.falseducks.com/dead/. You can listen to some of the sketches and you can check out a few videos of us in the studio. Or you can just watch them here:
I am a music fan. Why leave that to last? It’s because I can play myself out with the music. This has been a really tough year with losing my Dad and having a mysterious illness. I’ll admit I’ve changed. Here’s the segue from “Dead From The Neck Up” to music (not including the badly sung parody song from above). This past weekend I watched a favorite movie that I like to watch during the Christmas season. It is called “The Ultimate Gift” based on the book by Jim Stovall. It’s about redemption and the change in character of the main protagonist. Near the end of the movie is a wonderful song called “Something Changed” by Sara Groves. I’ve become a big fan of her music and highly recommend her as an artist. In fact, her song “Why It Matters” was the song I repeatedly played when dealing with my grief over the lost of my Dad. If you want to listen to |”Why It Matters” hop over to my blahg Me And My Grief and read about my Grief and listen to the song.
On “The Ultimate Gift” DVD is a special feature video of Sara singing “Something Changed”. The video is below. All I can add before the music begins is that I have changed. I was what I was and now I am what I am. What this new am is…I’m still trying to figure out.
If you are reading this post then it means a couple of things. First, the world did not end. In fact, today is December 23rd so the Mayans must have been wrong or maybe their math was. What do they know? Didn’t their people basically die off? If you can’t avoid that fate then why would I put stock in anything you have to say or predict. Second, if you are reading this, then you’ve clicked past the Google warnings that this site will give you malware or herpes or something nasty or Google has removed that warning and you arrived here safely without being redirected elsewhere to an offer of online porn, Viagra, or something else you may or may not want. I won’t judge.
Remember my last blahg and how I asked for World Peace as my number one Christmas present request? Maybe I should have requested that sooner than Christmas. It seems the world has become a little less peaceful given the recent killings in Newtown, Connecticut. We still don’t know the reasons behind the killings but it makes the world a sadder place. Our thoughts are with everyone there; especially the family who have to try and carry on. More has been said in the media than I care to say here. I will only add that I too agree that guns are a bad thing and the NRA can rub salt. Yes, people kill people but they do it with guns. It’s a lot easier to disarm a maniac with a knife than one with repeating rifles. Enough said.
The other part of this blahg is partly dedicated to the idiot who hacked my website and inserted malicious code. That’s the real reason why Google is warning people away from my website. It isn’t because of anything I said or did. I found the code that was redirecting people to those questionable websites and I removed it. I’ve requested a review from Google to remove me from their quarantine and I hope that will happen before the end of 2012. Why would someone do that to me? Get out of your parents’ basement and find a girlfriend or boyfriend or do community hours. Get back into the world and try and make it a better place rather than trying to tear it down website by website. That’s enough on that too.
So what can we do to make this world a better place? Speak out! Everyone has an opinion and a voice and it’s your duty to speak out against injustice and stupidity. Many voices raised in song have done better to heal than those who sit at the back of the room and just mouth the lyrics. Recently, a Minister in my area spoke in favour of Wind Farm development. His message was boiled downed very simply to a point that we are ruining the world by our reliance on fossil fuels. We can’t go on this way. Yes, there are some problems associated with windmills but wouldn’t it be better to work to make them better than to issue a hue and cry against them as evil and keep polluting the skies with old technology? Unfortunately, the anti-wind people spoke out against this Minister and told him to stick to spirituality rather than environmental issues. The last time I checked, we are all free to be. Free to be whatever we wanted, believe what we wanted, worship how we wanted, love how we wanted. You get the message. I think that Minister is right. We don’t want our legacy to be that we ruined the planet because we were unwilling to move past the old “not it my backyard.” Look at your loved ones, your relatives, your friends, and tell me you wouldn’t want more time with them if it meant giving up your stubborn opinions. I think we all know the answer to that. Let’s move on.
I don’t want this blahg to be all that sombre. There are some good things in this world. There is love and family and laughter and we need to embrace it during these troubling times. I don’t want to be preachy but sometimes we forget to think of all we are blessed with. As I read the letters to the editor responses to the Minister’s energy thoughts, my eye was also drawn to another editorial that was reprinted from a long time ago. The message is simple and in light of Sandy Hook, I want to reprint it here:
“DEAR EDITOR: I am 8 years old.
“Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus.
“Papa says, ‘If you see it in THE SUN it’s so.’
“Please tell me the truth; is there a Santa Claus?
“VIRGINIA O’HANLON.
“115 WEST NINETY-FIFTH STREET.”
VIRGINIA, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men’s or children’s, are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.
Yes, VIRGINIA, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus. It would be as dreary as if there were no VIRGINIAS. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.
Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies! You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas Eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if they did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that’s no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.
You may tear apart the baby’s rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, VIRGINIA, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.
No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.
Maybe it’s me but that Editorial is true for many things wrong with our world. We’ve lost that wide-eyed wonder about many things and we’ve grown cynical. It’s no longer neighbour looking out for neighbour but neighbour spying on neighbour. Maybe some of that’s necessary. Maybe if we checked in with neighbour a little more to see how they are doing or what they need then we’d avoid all the tragedies. Again, maybe it’s just me but that’s what I believe.
Now for that laughter we all need. I think I have mentioned before that I once co-wrote and co-starred in a radio sketch comedy show called “Dead From The Neck Up.” The title comes from Archie Bunker and “All In The Family” when he would call his son-in-law a meat-head. He would explain that a meat-head is someone that is dead from the neck up. Maybe that’s not all politically correct and maybe some of our sketches weren’t either. I recently went through some of our show’s Christmas specials (we only had three) and thought I would post them here complete. Maybe they haven’t held up as well over the years but maybe you’ll find something to laugh at in them nonetheless.
The first up is the Christmas show we did from the first season:
I didn’t say we sang well. Next up is the third season Christmas Special:
I know, some of you are probably wondering what happened to the second season Christmas special. I don’t know. I can’t find it. I did however, find two sketches from that season. The first is from Stan The Welcome Mat Man:
The second is from Stan’s sidekick Teddy The Topless Dance:
Well, I guess that tells you how twisted or how even more twisted I can be. That’s it for 2012! I’ll be even more politically incorrect and say Happy Holidays. Celebrate what you celebrate but may peace and love be with us all!
I have known for a week or so what would be the subject of this blahg. It’s Phyllis Diller. Why? I have to be honest but I really liked Phyllis Diller. I’m not one of the band wagon jumpers who say nice things after an artist passes. I’m a true fan. I have some history with Phyllis Diller or rather I wished I had history with Phyllis Diller Confused? Relax, here comes the story. Did you doubt for even a moment that I had a story?
When I was in grade 7 I had a friend named Steve Bailey. There was nothing really significant about Steve except he had me convinced he was rich. I never questioned why a rich kid was going to a public school nor why a rich kid wanted anything to do with me. He had elaborate stories about his family’s wealth which included fancy cars and a mansion in Hollywood. Again, I never questioned any of it. Maybe I should have been suspicious when he said his mansion in Hollywood was next door to Phyllis Diller’s. Who would make that up? He even promised to take me down there in his family’s helicopter. I waited and waited but that never happened. Eventually I saw him cutting the grass outside an apartment building in the neighborhood. He tried to tell me his family owned it as an investment property. I didn’t question that either until his cousin told me he lived in the building and his father was the superintendent. My dreams of meeting Phyllis Diller were shattered…but hey, I now had a friend who had a father who was a superintendent. Cool.
Over the years, my enthusiasm for Phyllis Diller has not waned. She was someone who was over the top and under-appreciated. She had three great pairings with Bob Hope in, “Boy, Did I Get A Wrong Number!”, “Eight On A Lam”, and “The Private Navy of Sgt. O’Farrell.” Maybe Phyllis Diller is an acquired taste and certainly pairing her with Bob Hope, although in my mind a stroke of genius, might not seem significant to most viewers. Throw in Jonathan Winters on “Eight On The Lam” and you’re cooking with comedy gold. Luckily, all three of these funny films are available on DVD.
Click on any of the images for a larger viewing of the pictures in this blahg and check out this clip from “Eight On The Lam” with Jonathan Winters & Phyllis Diller. You don’t get to see that kind of pairing every day.
Funny stuff, right? But you’re probably wondering what Ben Affleck has to do with Phyllis Diller. Let me back up a little bit. I have spoken before about my friend Bryan and his penchant for movies. Bryan and I both share one thing in common when it comes to Phyllis Diller and her movies: “Did You Hear The One About the Traveling Saleslady?” This 1968 forgotten comedy gold has been an elusive film that Bryan and I have been trying to find. I remember that the last time I saw this film was over the Christmas holidays during 1984. I don’t know when Bryan saw it last but it’s been just as many years since his last viewing. It has never been released on video nor DVD and we often talk about wanting to see this film. About two weeks ago the subject of the film came up again between us. Here’s an ad for that film:
The Internet Movie Database (IMDB) summary for this film reads:
Agatha Knabenshu arrives in a small town in Missouri to sell player pianos to the locals. She’s fired after her disastrous sales attempts nearly destroy the town. The stranded saleslady becomes friendly with an equally bumbling inventor and moves in with his family. The two then try to sell his automatic milking machine, but things turn sour when their demonstration causes a stampede.
It may not sound like much but I remember it being funny and also featuring Bob Denver who was infamous in the role as Gilligan from “Gilligan’s Island”. It might not hold up well since the last time I saw it but it doesn’t deter me from wanting to see it again.
Cut to two weeks ago and the conversation Bryan and I had about this film. Well, maybe not that far back. Jump instead to about a week and a half ago and Jeanette and I finally get away to the movies again. I had seen numerous films recently with Noah and I thought it was time I take my wife. I had wanted to see “Argo” since I first started seeing the trailers for it. If you haven’t seen it, I won’t spoil anything for you but I will again quote IMDB with this movie summary:
In 1979, the American embassy in Iran was invaded by Iranian revolutionaries and several Americans are taken hostage. However, six manage to escape to the official residence of the Canadian Ambassador and the CIA is eventually ordered to get them out of the country. With few options, exfiltration expert Tony Mendez devises a daring plan: to create a phony Canadian film project looking to shoot in Iran and smuggle the Americans out as its production crew. With the help of some trusted Hollywood contacts, Mendez creates the ruse and proceeds to Iran as its associate producer. However, time is running out with the Iranian security forces closing in on the truth while both his charges and the White House have grave doubts about the operation themselves.
I am a Canadian and I didn’t know that my country did not play the big role in getting those hostages out of Iran as my government would lead me to believe. We just took the credit so the Americans wouldn’t get into more trouble over Iran. Sure, put Canada in the target sites! I digress. “Argo” is a fantastic movie.
So, now to Phyllis Diller and the Ben Affleck connection. In case you didn’t know, Ben Affleck stars in and directed “Argo”. Ultimately, I give him most of the credit for what is seen in the film. At one point, Ben Affleck’s character, along with the character portrayed by the brilliant John Goodman, go to visit a Hollywood Director portrayed by the also brilliant Alan Arkin. They need the Director to help them pull off this phony film by advising them on how to put over a film that doesn’t exist. At one point, in the Director’s home I spot this framed poster on the wall of his study. I can tell from the face on the poster that it is Phyllis Diller. Somewhere in my history I have seen a poster for “Did You Hear The One About the Traveling Saleslady?” but I can’t recall if this it. I lean in close to Jeanette and tell her I want another shot of this poster. A few minutes later we get another glimpse over Alan Arkin’s shoulder and I can spot the film’s title. It is indeed, a poster for “Did You Hear The One About the Traveling Saleslady?”
Let me tell you, I let out a squeal of delight while watching “Argo” but the squeal was not so much for “Argo” as it was for the Phyllis Diller poster cameo. Why was this poster featured in this film? I don’t know. I’m just happy it was there. It was probably something the set dresser threw in there but you have to think that Affleck, as the Director, had to be okay with it. How appropriate it was that this homage to Phyllis Diller was there. She died in August of this year and the film didn’t come out until October. Was it a last minute decision to include this poster as a nod to Diller’s passing? Again, I don’t know. If Ben Affleck reads this blahg, maybe he’ll send me an answer.
I thought I would close this blahg with my own personal salute to Phyllis Diller. When Byran and my other friend, Stephen Dafoe, and I were recording our infamous Dead From The Neck Up comedy show in the mid-90s, we would often have a canned comedy section where we would play a comic routine by a famous comedian or comedienne. One week, I brought in my LP copy of “Are You Ready For Phyllis Diller?” I don’t remember if I had listened to the full album but we were looking for something to fill the canned comedy slot so we chose a track called “Cheese and Turkey”. We busted up rather raucously in the studio that evening. I’d like to close with a YouTube video with audio of the whole album
Phyllis Diller, the original double bagger of comedy has left the building!