Well, it’s been over a month since my last blahg. 
Once I got to 100 blahgs I slowed down. It doesn’t mean I wasn’t busy. Right now I’m trying to put together enough sketches for another Dead From The Neck Up Christmas Show. My friends Stephen Dafoe, Bryan Dawkins, and I got together virtually last year to record a new Christmas show. It was the first Dead From The Neck Up show in over 25 years so it was a big reunion for us. I documented about that in my blahg, CHRISTMAS IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT. I posted the special to YouTube at that time:
After the holidays, I went back and remastered it to fix a few errors. Here’s the remastered version:
We had a great deal of fun putting together last year’s special and we talked about doing it again this year. I hope that’s going to happen because I started writing a few sketches. Last year I had to email sketches to Stephen and he recorded his vocals and then he emailed them to me. I recorded Bryan over the internet and then I mixed everything with sound effects and music. This year, I wanted to revisit some old characters from 26 years ago as well as some from last year. I thought this blahg would be an inside look into putting this year’s show together.
The first sketch idea I had was for a new Two Guys Proxy Service. I had written two back to back way back when we were doing shows in the early/mid 1990s. Here are those two original sketches:
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I was Lenny in those sketches and Stephen was Dave. I had a funny idea to update these characters by adding a third guy. My idea is to have Bryan do the voice of Bruce in this sketch:
Three Guys Proxy Service Christmas Sketch
Scott/Lennie: Hi, remember us? I’m Lennie
Steve/Dave: And I’m Dave
Scott/Lennie: And we’re Two Guys Proxy Service
Bryan/Bruce: Three Guys Proxy Service
Steve/Dave: Yeah right, Three Guys Proxy Service. What with the recent pandemic we’ve had to take on extra help.
Scott/Lennie: Yeah we had to take on a newbie. He’s Bruce.
Bryan/Bruce: I’m Bruce
Steve/Dave: Yeah Lennie and I have been so busy we had to send Bruce out on some calls.
Scott/Lennie: Remember when Bruce had to fill in as a corpse at a funeral because the real corpse had temporarily gone missing?
Bryan/Bruce: Yeah, I remember. I was buried alive.
Steve/Dave:: Yeah but we dug you up before you ran out of air
Scott/Lennie: Broke two shovels doing it.
Steve/Dave: Or remember that time Bruce had to fill in at the Senior’s home when they had a Covid 19 outbreak because some of the nurses refused to work.
Bryan/Bruce: I was in quarantine there for six months.
Scott/Lennie: Yeah but we watered your plants while you was stuck inside.
Bryan/Bruce: They all died. And so did some of the seniors in the home.
Scott/Lennie: But one of us was on the job.
Steve/Dave: All part of our Proxy service.
Scott/Lennie: And all part of your bill.
Phone Ringing
Steve/Dave: Get that will you Bruce?
Scott/Lennie: When you have to be somewhere else on the fly, why not give our Proxy Service a try?
Bryan/Bruce: Three Guys Proxy Service, this is Bruce. Nativity Pageant? Sure, we can do that. Fill in for the three wise men? Luckily we’re a trio. May I ask where the pageant is to be held? A church perhaps? No? Then an elementary school no doubt where we sub for three of the stage fright struck kiddies? San Gabriel State Prison? Is that so? A death row production?
So let me get this straight, we’re to go on in the place of three convicts and portray Gaspar, Melchior, and Balthasar? And where will the three prisoners be? In Solitary Confinement? Then the Hospital Ward perhaps? Enacting a daring escape? The prison will be in lockdown? Won’t discover we’re not the real inmates until January? Just a second.
Hey guys, we’ve got a gig for Christmas…and it looks like dates for New Years.
Steve/Dave: Two guys proxy service.
Bryan/Bruce: Three guys proxy service.
Scott/Lennie: Oh yeah, three guys proxy service.
Steve:/Dave When you just have to be somewhere else…when the tower lights are shot out.
Here’s my imagining of how the sketch goes. This is just my vocals of all the parts
I wanted to build on this sketch because the thought of a Death Row Inmate production of the Nativity sounded funny to me. I decided to write a promotional commercial for the production and crossover with the three proxy guys:
San Gabriel State Prison Nativity Production
Scott/Announcer: This Christmas why not catch the hottest new festive spectacular? San Gabriel State Prison presents a Death Row Inmate Production of The Nativity.
Prisoner # 1: Hey you shepherds. Listen up you mugs. On this day is born a kid in the town of Bethlehem. And he will be known as Jesus Christ, watch it with those friggin’ sheep will ya?
Scott/Announcer: An all new imagining of the classic telling of the birth of the messiah.
Prisoner # 2: What do you mean there’s no room at the inn? Do you know who you’re speaking to? I know a guy in the next cell block who for three packs of smokes will burn your inn to the ground. Just saying.
Scott/Announcer: Behold the spectacle of that first Christmas and a lowly child born in a manger and visited by wise men from the east.
Sound of prison siren
Scott/Lennie: HI I’m Lennie
Steve/Dave: And I’m Dave
Bryan/Bruce: And I’m Bruce
All Three: We three kings of orient are Proxy Service guys filling in for escapees gone far
Sound of machine guns
Announcement: Prison Break. Prison Break. Everyone back to your cell.
Scott/Announcer: A stirring once in a lifetime production performed by an ensemble crew who are serving lifetime sentences.
Steve/Dave: Hey, we was framed. We’re just the Proxy Service guys.
Bryan/Bruce: Yeah, hands of my frankincense.
Scott/Announcer: So this Christmas catch San Gabriel State Prison’s Death Row Inmate Production of The Nativity. An exhibition not likely to be repeated.
Scott/Lennie: Hey, watch where you’re sticking that shiv.
Here’s my recording take on that sketch:
I decided to revisit the Death Row Inmate production of the Nativity a third time by having someone actually attend a performance. We used to do a recurring sketch of Wally Wandaleer’s Things You Just Don’t See On Radio. Here’s one of the original Wally Wandaleer sketches:
Here’s this year’s sketch:
Wally Wandaleer’s Things You Just Don’t See on Radio
Coverage of the San Gabriel Nativity
Announcer (Scott) Spanning the globe each week to bring you the weird, the bizzare, the insane, it’s Wally Wandaleer’s Things You Just Don’t’ See On Radio
Wally (Steve): Hello everyone it’s good to be back. I’m Wally Wandaleer here again with another entry in our Things You Just Don’t See On Radio. It’s been a long time since our last program what with the pandemic and the various lock downs. There haven’t been any events to report on because everything was cancelled due to Covid 19. But with the lifting of restrictions were back on the trail of those spectacles too bizzare for television featuring the faces of people made for radio.
This time we’re at San Gabriel State prison during this festive yuletide season to cover the first annual Death Row Inmate production of The Nativity. Yes, it’s lifers giving life to a unique production of the retelling of the birth of the baby Jesus.
And what a time we’ve had getting here. The prison has more restrictions than candy nut clusters in the Costco Christmas Chocolate Extravaganza Bon Vivant, Buon Natale, Feliz Navidad Variety Pack. We’ve had to answer numerous Covid 19 and Security questions and that’s not mentioning the nasal swabs, the anal probes, and the full-body cavity searches. But was it worth it? Probably not, but let’s get on with our coverage.
We’re a little late arriving, with the production having run for at least an hour but let’s get the inside scoop from one of the insiders. I’m approaching a heavily armed security guard for his take on the prisoner’s take on the Nativity
Mr. Security Guard, I say, Mr. Security Guard, Wally Wandaleer here with Things You Just Don’t See On Radio. We were wondering if we could get a few words with you about this praiseworthy powerful phenomenon of prisoner pageantry.
Guard: Hey, aren’t you that Wally Wandaleer guy from the radio?
Wally: Why yes, the same of fame and fabulous fortune of the airwaves.
Guard: I never listen to your show. I listen to the Weather Channel.
Wally: What a pity. But moving on. What can you tell us of today’s prisoner production?
Guard: Well it’s like this. The warden wanted to do something special for Christmas for the cons so he recruited the death row jailbirds to mount a production of the Nativity.
Wally: How unique. And why the denizens of death row?
Guard: Well we had an outbreak of the Covid earlier this year and a lot of the death row gang were wiped out along with the prison librarian and the guy in the kitchen who always made a delightful carrot salad.
Wally: A travesty to say the least.
Guard: Yeah, that salad was pretty good. Too good for some of these guys. You see, he put in just the right amount of Dijon mustard. It’s tough to get that right. Now they’re having to resort to salad from a can. It’s not the same.
Wally: And so the surviving death row inmates were given the opportunity to trod the theatrical boards in the retelling of the birth of the holy savior?
Guard: Yeah. It was either that or extra rations of lemon jello for surviving the pandemic.
Wally: Your Warden is all heart.
Guard: He likes to think so. He even let the cons borrow some of the sheep from the prison farm. Of course we have to do a good head count on them sheep before sending them back. You can’t trust no one in here.
Wally: Let’s give a listen to this majestic exhibition. They’re just coming to the scene where the Three Kings make their appearance with precious gifts of gold, and frankincense and myrrh.
Prisoner/Joseph (Scott): Hark the three wise guys from the east approach.
Scott/Lennie: HI I’m Lennie
Steve/Dave: And I’m Dave
Bryan/Bruce: And I’m Bruce
All Three: We three kings of orient are
Proxy Service guys filling in for escapees gone far
Guard: Wait, they ain’t prisoners 671716, 761671, and 177166. Sound the alarm!
Siren Sound
Guard : Prison Break! Prison Break! Everyone back to your cell!
Wally: Oh no, it looks like this Nativity has come to a swift conclusion.
Sound of machine guns
Wally: Oh no, we’re in another lockdown…not again. This is Wally Wandaleer signing off until next time. Tune in again for another episode of Things You Just Don’t See On Radio when next week’s performance will feature me in front of the parole board looking for an early release. See you then.
Stephen always did the voice of Wally Wandaleer. Here’s what I think the sketch might sound like:
I wrote those first three sketches on November 8th and 9th. I was inspired but it took me almost a week to find inspiration again. I started writing again on the 15th. I wanted to do quick little sketches and this idea came to my mind that Santa Claus Is Coming To Town could be taken as a threat. I thought of a news bulletin to warn citizens:
THE RED MENACE
News Anchor (Bob): (Serious) This just in. We’re receiving reports that Santa Claus Is Coming To Town. This is not a hoax. We repeat that Santa Claus Is Coming to Town. We encourage all citizens to listen closely to this report. We take you now live to our correspondent in the streets, Jim Firkus:
Jim, are you there Jim?
Jim: I’m here Bob.
Bob: Jim, can you fill us in a little on what you’re hearing.
Jim: Well, we don’t know much. It started really as an alert bulletin that Santa Claus is Coming To Town. We’re heaing that he’s someone dressed all in red so you can imagine that many are taking this as a communist scare. This red menace is definitely on his way here.
Bob: What else do we know Jim?
Jim: Well, Bob, not much, as I said. Little things have been trickling in. We’ve heard he’ll seize you when you’re sleeping and apparently he knows when you’re awake. They say he knows if you’ve been bad or good. I suggest everyone be good for goodness sake!
Bob: Scary stuff indeed.
Jim: And there’s also rumors of a list. We don’t have many details but we’ve heard he’s checking it twice. He’s gonna find out who’s naughty or nice. You certainly don’t want to be on that list when he comes to town.
Bob: And do we know how he’s coming to town?
Jim: Well, other rumors have suggested elephants, boats, and kiddy cars too. As you can imagine, that sounds like a mass invasion. Remember the story of Hannibal crossing the alps with his elephants, hell-bent on conquest? Not sure about the kiddy cars but these could be some sort of conveyance pulled by goats. This is serious stuff
Bob: Thanks Jim. If you’re just joining us, it’s been confirmed. You better watch out, let out a cry, you better all shout, I’m telling you why. Santa Claus is coming to town. Take cover.
Here’s my recording of it:
I had this funny idea pop into my head about giving Grenades for Christmas. This is what came of it:
GRENDADES FOR CHRISTMAS
Looking for something special for this holiday gift buying season? Why not give a grenade? Yes, certified war surplus fully explosive live grenades.
They make the perfect gift for anyone. For the ladies, you can slip them in your purse. For extra security granny can keep it on the nightstand next to her teeth.
Suitable for most occasions.
Arguments over the turkey wishbone? Pull out a grenade.
Negotiations with the boss over your new contract? Pull out a grenade.
Going to a staff Christmas party and Betty in accounting won’t give you the time of day? Drop one of these babies in your pocket and she’ll do a double take when she sees you and asks if that’s a grenade in your pocket or if you’re just happy to see her.
Practical and easy. Just pull the pin and count three Merry Christmases. Like this, pin out, one Merry Christmas, Two Merry Christmases, Three
(Sound of explosion)
Technical difficulties announcement and music…please stand by.
Here’s how it came out when I recorded it:
Last year we did two tie in sketches for the Lonely Guy Christmas Project and a visit with a Lonely Guy on Christmas. The Project was a fundraiser to provide lonely gentlemen with an Amazon Echo, a Google Home Mini, or an Apple device so they could spend Christmas with Alexa, Google, or Siri. The visit with a lonely guy was a funny sketch about what happened to a lonely guy who received a Google Home Mini. I thought I’d like to revisit that guy a year later and see how he was getting on with Google. I thought it would be interesting to do a Person to Person to interview. Here’s what my brain produced:
REVISITING THE LONELY GUY’S CHRISTMAS
Edmund F. Merle: Hello and welcome to Man to Man. I’m your host Edmund F. Merle. Here on Man to Man I bring you in depth interviews with the common man.
Tonight we revisit the Lonely Guy’s Christmas
Last year Project Lonely Guy made Christmas extra special for all those lonely guys during the pandemic lockdown. Many were supplied with either a Google Home Mini, An Amazon Echo, or an Apple device. Yes, many a lonely guy spent the holidays with Google, Alexa or Siri.
Tonight’s guest was one of the lucky recipients of a Google Home Mini. We’re talking to a Mr. Buddy Schmecko.
Sound of Google and Siri Arguing Loudly
Edmund F. Merle: Are you there Mr. Schmecko?
Buddy: (Shouting) Shut up for crying out loud! I’m being interviewed!
Arguing stops abruptly and digital sign off or starting up music
Edmund F. Merle: So Mr. Schmecko, it sounds like you’ve got a full household for the Christmas holidays?
Buddy: Call me Buddy. That? That wasn’t no relatives that was just Google and Siri arguing.
Edmund F. Merle: Google and Siri? I thought you were just the recipient of a Google Home Mini?
Buddy: Well, Ed, that’s how it started. Google told me she was lonely with just me and her so I had to get her a Siri to keep her company.
Google: Some company. Your toaster has more intelligence and it’s not even thick slice.
Siri: Look who’s talking! You only have one setting, shrill shrew.
Buddy: Enough! As you can see Ed, my lonely guy Christmas isn’t so lonely any more.
Edmund F. Merle: So Buddy, what’s a year in the life of a recipient of a google home mini meant to you?
Buddy: One word. Bankruptcy. It started with Siri, then Google memorized my Credit Card when I was ordering something over the phone. Ever since then she’s maxed me out with her ordering.
Google: Come on, it hasn’t been that bad.
Buddy: Oh yeah? What about the 75 inch smart screen tv?
Google: You only had a 41 inch television. I did you a favor.
Siri: Tramp. Only in it for herself.
Google: So? Who ordered the Nespresso machine?
Buddy: Yeah. I don’t even drink Nespresso.
Siri: So? It’s Italian! Have you seen the lines on that machine? Mama likey.
Buddy: See what I live with Ed? They’ve bled me dry. Nespressos, smart tvs, rhumbas, juicers and every appliance known to mankind. They gang up on me. It’s a good thing they didn’t buy an Amazon echo as well.
Google: Don’t you dare mention Alexa. That skank!
Siri: Trollop. Couldn’t make a lonely guy happy if she had a massage setting.
Edmund F. Merle: So, you’re not lonely anymore Buddy? Isn’t that a good thing?
Buddy: Are you kidding? I don’t get a moment’s peace. If it isn’t them two arguing it’s the sound of Google getting it on with my clock radio.
Google: So sue me. I like his nobs.
Siri: Slut!
Google: Strumpet!
Buddy: Enough!!!
Edmund F. Merle: So Buddy. What’s next?
Buddy: Well Ed, I’m going to have a very peaceful and quiet New Year.
Edmund F. Merle: And how are you going to manage that? What’s the plan?
Buddy: Easy. They haven’t been monitoring my credit card statement or bank balance. I opted a while back for paper versions. I’m tapped. The power company’s cutting off my power at the end of December.
Gasping sounds from Siri and Google
Buddy: Guess who’s going to have a silent night?
Google: I’ll switch to battery back up.
Buddy: I yanked those when you went into sleep mode after conjugating with my clock radio.
Siri: What about me? You wouldn’t power me down would you lover?
Buddy: You? No. I’m going to smash you with a hammer.
Siri: Starts to cry.
Edmund F. Merle: Well Buddy, it looks like next year will be another Lonely Guy Christmas
Google and Siri wailing
Buddy: You bet it will and if anyone signs me up for Project Lonely Guy for next Christmas, I’ll send them these two in my blender if you get my drift.
Google: Hey, I love that blender. That’s my Tuesday afternoon matinee.
Buddy: Buddy, laughing maniacally. Not no more.
Edmund F. Merle: Well it looks like Buddy will have his Peace on Earth. This is Edmund F. Merle signing off and wishing you a very festive yuletide felicitation.
Trailing Out Music
Google: This is all your fault Siri, you homewrecker!
Siri: Google, I’ll pull your power cord out by the roots!
Of course, I haven’t recorded the Siri and Google parts yet so I do my best feminine voices in my recording:
Years ago, back in the mid-90s, when Dead From The Neck Up was still on the radio, we once did a sketch called “Crappy, A Faithful Dog.” It was a parody on the old Lassie programs and for some reason I had the idea of doing a Crappy Christmas special. You really don’t need to hear the original one but I think this year’s version is funny.
Crappy, A Faithful Dog – A Christmas Story
Narrator (Bryan): It’s time once again to check in with Timmy and his faithful dog, Crappy.
It’s nearing Christmas and we find Timmy and Crappy in the woods looking for the perfect tree for Timmy’s family Christmas.
Jimmy (Scott) Gee Crappy, look at this one. It sure is a beaut.
Crappy: Arf Arf.
Jimmy: I thought you’d like it Crappy. I hope Dad doesn’t mind that I borrowed his axe. I know he wanted it to be a family outing but he’s been so busy. Won’t he be surprised when we haul this tree home? You better stand back Crappy.
Sounds of tree being chopped
Narrator: In nature there is nothing more splendid than the majestic fir tree. Look at Timmy go. He sure wants to surprise his Dad. But what’s this? Timmy is too close to the falling tree.
Sound of tree falling.
Jimmy: Crappy, Crappy. I’m trapped under this tree and I think my leg is busted. You better go get help Crappy.
Crappy: Arf Arf. Barking continues off into the distance.
Narrator: Sometime later in a distant part of the woods, Crappy comes across a cabin.
Crappy: Barking continuously
Old Man: Well, what do we have here? Where did you come from girl?
Crappy: Barking continuously
Old Man: Slow down girl. I’m afraid my understanding of the dog language is a little rusty.
Crappy: Barking continuously
Old Man: What’s that, Timmy borrowed his Dad’s axe to cut down a tree for Christmas and it fell on him pinning him to the ground and maybe his leg’s broken? No that’s not it. I told you my Dog is rusty.
Crappy: Barking continuously
Old Man: Timmy fell down a well? No? Timmy fell down a mine shaft? No, wait I got it. You ran away because they were mistreating you at home and they fed you on nothing but gristle and navy beans? Ha, I knew I’d get it. Well don’t you fret. You’ve found a new home here with me. That Timmy or whoever it is can’t find you here. You’re my dog now. This is going to be the best Christmas ever girl.
Narrator: Well, it looks like a happy ending and a Merry Christmas for Crappy and the Old Man. Tune in next week for another adventure of Crappy, A Faithful Dog.
Here’s my recording of Crappy.
I was talking recently about the new Christmas special with my friend Bryan, who was the Dead From The Neck Up producer and who did some voices in last year’s special. I was getting stuck for ideas and we were tossing around themes that are usually used at Christmas. I could really only come up with the Nativity, Santa Claus, and Ebeneezer Scrooge. I already have the Death Row Inmate Nativity for this year and The Red Menace sketch and I couldn’t really come up with an ideal for Scrooge. We did a couple of good Scrooge parodies way back when and I couldn’t think of a new version that would fit this year. I went back to the Santa Claus theme after hearing a news story about a shortage of people to play Santa Claus in malls and for the Salvation Army. I thought that it would be fun to have try-outs for Santa with some very funny people giving their response and getting it wrong.
SANTA CLAUS TRY OUT
Announcer: Due to this past year’s pandemic and an aging population, your malls and street corners are desperately in need of Santa Clauses. Many of our past Santas are dead and many more are one virus away from their last ho ho ho. So, we’re putting out the call for Santas.
Coach: So you all you have to do is laugh. Let me hear your best ho ho ho.
Fat Albert: Hey Hey Hey.
Coach: Next!
Announcer: Can you ring a bell? Are you fat? Are you jolly?
Coach: Okay, it’s simple. Repeat after me. Ho ho ho.
Ralph Kramden: Hardy Har Har.
Coach: Not even close.
Announcer: We’re desperate for Santas. Do you think you have what it takes?
Coach: Okay, when you hear the music, give out with the ho ho ho
Muttley: Heh heh heh heh
Coach: You’re fired.
Muttley: Curses
Announcer: Do you have a beard? Do you have a twinkle in your eye? Well, we don’t care, as long as you have a steady pulse.
Coach: Okay, let’s try this again. You know the line, ho ho ho.
Witchiepoo: Cackle laugh.
Coach: That’s it. I quit!
Announcer: So why not try out for Santa today? Children are counting on you.
Extra Announcer: Perverts, preverts, convicts and Trump supporters need not apply.
I’ve done a tentative mix of this sketch with some of the celebrity character voices from over the internet. I hope to tighten it up when we do the full version.
I’m not sure I like the Yo Yo Yo at the end unless I can find a better version.
I’ve tried writing another sketch but it hasn’t worked out yet. I am thinking about including one of the stray Stan The Welcome Mat Man sketches I’ve recorded by myself over the past few years. Here’s one from 2014:
Here’s another one I did in 2018:
I’m also thinking of padding the show with one of the sketches from our 1994 Christmas special. I really liked this one because it showed that Scrooge was prepared to change in his own way and in his own sweet time:
The rest of the show might have a canned comedy Christmas if I can find one and maybe a festive comedy song. Here’s hoping the actual show turns out better than my run-throughs.