Here it is February 3, 2021 and I’m posting a new blahg.
This isn’t going to be a long blahg but I accomplished something today that I want to share with everyone. Blahgs don’t have to be long and this will count towards that 100 blahgs mark I want to reach this year.
I usually write a short Christmas story every year and end up posting it in one of my blahgs. Most of them are fictional but 2019’s entry “MEATS AND CHEESES AND BABY JESUS” was a Christmas Entertainment based on real events. In 2020, I was so busy writing and recording for the “The Dead From The Neck Up 25th Anniversary Covid 19 Quarantine Special” that I didn’t get around to writing a new story. I guess writing the fictional Christmas themed comedy sketches counts but it isn’t exactly the same.
By the way, if you haven’t listened to the “The Dead From The Neck Up 25th Anniversary Covid 19 Quarantine Special” then check out this video below containing the remastered version of our special. It’s just the audio from our program set to images of my Christmas display this past Christmas.
After Christmas, I got thinking about the idea of someone having a Christmas by stealing everything they needed for the holiday. It was inspired by all of the news stories of stealing parcels off people’s porches over the holiday season. This of course, has inspired the term “Porch Pirates.” I’m not condoning the practise but the thought did spark the germ of an idea for a short story. The result is the story below “A Stolen Christmas.”
It took me more than a month to complete the story. Procrastination was my best friend and motivation was my enemy. I usually write from start to finish and then edit. I think this is the only story where I wrote a snip of a beginning, part of the middle, and part of the end. Today I went back and finished the ending, went back and fleshed out the beginning, and then completed the connecting pieces in the middle. Am I happy with it? I think I am. Writing a story is like getting a gift. Until you’re finished it, you never know what you’re going to end up with. So here’s a late for 2020 or early for 2021 Christmas story. I hope you enjoy it.
The Stolen Christmas
by
Scott Henderson
It was nearing the end of November before Brad realized it was almost Christmas again.
“Do you realize it’s almost Christmas again?” he hollered out to Carla.
Carla was in the bedroom that also doubled as her home office. Brad’s home office was in the spare bedroom. He and Carla both were able to work from home during the pandemic. She was part of a team who developed online advertising and Brad did coding for video games. It sometimes made for tight quarters but if staying home and staying safe were necessary then they would make it work.
“It seems to steal up on us earlier every year,” she shouted back.
“What’s that?” Brad inquired, leaning into their bedroom.
“You asked me if I realized it’s almost Christmas again and I replied it seems to steal up on us earlier every year. Say, aren’t you supposed to be working.”
“I’m on a break,” he replied. “It’s one of the perks of working from home.”
“I could use a break, too,” she offered in return.
“Coffee run?” Brad asked as he stretched in the doorway.
“Hot Licks it is,” she replied.
Hot Licks, was the neighbourhood ice-cream and coffee shop. It was one of the few businesses offering curbside pickup. Brad and Carla could have just as easily made coffee at home but one of the perks of working from home certainly was not seeing the same walls day in and day out. Both made it a point to go out for a walk at least once a day to get exercise and a change of scenery.
It had been challenging this past year working from home. Oh, having home work stations was easily accomplished and their Internet was fast enough to handle their needs. It was the social aspect that was the most difficult. In the past few weeks, it had just been the two of them and not getting on each other’s nerves was a conscious effort for both of them. They took walks together, yes, but they also took walks alone or made excuses to run errands without the other. Carla enjoyed going to the grocery store alone and Brad had taken to early evening coffee runs on his own.
“What was that you said about stealing Christmas,” he asked of Carla when they were down on the street.
“I didn’t say anything about stealing Christmas, silly. I said Christmas seems to steal up on us earlier every year.”
“Oh,” Brad replied. “Still…”, he said trailing off and looking at some of the houses on their way to Hot Licks. “Still,” he began again. “I wonder if it could be done?”
“If what could be done?” Carla inquired. He was making no sense.
Brad stopped and pointed to the porch of a bungalow. “Look at that package sitting there. Obviously some courier left it when he realized no one was home. Anyone could just walk up and steal it.” Brad seemed overly excited about the notion.
“What are you going on about? “ Carla asked. “You’re not thinking about stealing that package?” She tugged at his arm to try to remove him from the temptation.
“No,” Brad said, resisting her efforts to pull him along. “I’m thinking bigger. I was wondering if it were possible to steal Christmas.”
Carla stared at him. What was he saying?
“What are you saying?” Carla asked, speaking her thoughts aloud.
“Well,” Brad began. “Every year we have a pretty good Christmas and I have no complaints but there’s no challenge in it. We spend what we spend and we get each other what we get each other. Maybe it’s the whole pandemic but I want things to be different.”
“Things are different. There’s a pandemic and we’re in a lockdown,” Carla said, stating the obvious.
“I know,” Brad began again. “But what if we stole our Christmas? Nothing store bought or ordered. Everything has to be stolen. No ordering online either. It can be done. Just look at that package on that porch, for example. It would be so easy and every gift is a surprise box.”
Carla couldn’t believe what he was saying. Was he really serious about this?
“I’m serious about this,” Brad continued. “Let’s do it. I’ll take care of the tree and decorations and you take care of the Christmas dinner menu.”
“We can’t,” Carla answered in reply. Still, she didn’t have a rational reason why they couldn’t. A moral reason yes but Brad seemed so intent on the idea. Could she really go along with this? The idea was insane but Brad was right, it was a challenge and they had so few of those other than those imposed by the pandemic and the lockdown.
“Just say you’ll think about it,” Brad implored. He was squeezing her hand now.
“You won’t get a PlayStation 5 for Christmas, then,” was all she could think to say.
“Neither will you, unless one of the mystery porch presents contains one. I know you want a PS5 just as badly as I do.”
“What about that coffee?” she asked pulling at his arm again. “I have work to do and so do you.” She hoped that removing him from the sight of the porch parcel would eventually aid in him forgetting about his stealing Christmas idea.
They eventually made it to Hot Licks and back home again. Nothing more was said that day about the crazy idea.
————
Nothing more had been said about the Christmas stealing for almost a week until one evening Brad came in with a Christmas Tree. It had obviously been a struggle to get it in the elevator let alone the building. It was fully lighted and decorated with ornaments.
“How do you like that!” Brad declared.
Carla was taken aback. There was Brad standing there with a seven foot artificial Christmas Tree and a grin almost as big. It wasn’t the fact that he was standing there with this tree but that she recognized it. The tree was the one outside of Hot Licks. It still had some of the coffee themed ornaments adorning its limbs. She recognized the star on top and even the red metal stand. Brad had thought of everything.
“Don’t tell me you don’t like it?” Brad began. “Do you know what it took to get it up here? The stares alone were enough to stop me in my tracks but I was committed. Someone once said ‘don’t steal anything small’.”
“Oh yeah who was that?” Carla decided it would be best to play along.
“I don’t know, but somebody did,” Brad replied.
“Hey Google,” Carla shouted out to their Google Nest Hub. “Who said, Never Steal Anything Small?” It not only controlled lights and electrical devices in their home, but through its connection to the Internet, it was a wealth of information.
“James Cagney,” Google replied. “Never steal anything small marked the last time James Cagney sang and danced on screen.”
“There you go,” Brad remarked triumphantly. “Never steal anything small. Do you want to me sing and dance?
“No thanks,” Carla replied, “I’ve seen you sing and dance. I’d rather watch the tree.”
Brad took that as his cue. He went to the kitchen and rifled through a drawer and came up with an extension cord. He plugged it into a spare outlet and then connected the tree. Immediately the apartment was ablaze with the glow of the coloured lights.
“Hey Google, turn off all of the apartment lights,” Brad shouted.
The result was stunning. The glow from the tree was breathtaking.
“Will you look at that,” Brad exclaimed.
Carla was. She was looking at the tree…a tree that should have been outside Hot Licks. He was right, though, it was a sight to behold…certainly better than watching Brad dance. Of course, Brad had set up the tree in the middle of their living area but she could adjust that later. Right now, she would let him have this moment.
That night, Carla lay in bed thinking about the tree. This stealing business was now a thing and it was getting serious. The tree outside of Hot Licks was a source of pride in the neighbourhood. What would people say when they noticed it gone? Should Carla say something to Brad? How could she? Brad had been so proud of himself. Did this mean she was now committed to the stealing Christmas scheme? Could she really do it? Brad had made the first move. Now it was up to her.
The next day during her lunch break, Carla made an excuse about having to get some air. She made sure that on her walk, she passed by Hot Licks. She was right, the tree was gone. On the door there was a sign that read: ‘Merry Christmas everyone, closed until further notice.’
Carla was taken aback. What did this mean? The store had been open yesterday. She had bought coffee there for her and Brad. Did this single act of theft bring about the closure of the store? Had the owners taken it that hard? Maybe it was a sense of betrayal to them.
Carla felt sick. She stepped into an alley and threw up.
When she returned to the apartment she was very pale. Brad was still working. Carla went back to work. She was still feeling nauseous. Later, it passed. She said nothing to Brad.
————
The gifts began to appear beneath the tree. There were small things at first and then Brad had placed a larger gift under the tree. It was a square box shape and had some heft to it. Carla couldn’t help herself. She stopped short of shaking it or tearing off a small piece of the wrapping to get an idea of what might be inside.
Was this one of those porch parcels? She didn’t know when Brad had acquired it. It just showed up beneath the tree one day. Did this make Brad a Porch Pirate? The phrase was all over the media. When she thought about it, she really didn’t want to know. The uneasiness was back in her stomach again.
A few days later, there was a large Christmas gift for Brad underneath the tree. He too, had tested the weight of the present. It was heavy enough and it set his mind wondering what it was. He also wondered where Carla had picked it up. Had she picked it up…off someone’s porch maybe? Brad didn’t want to think about it. Christmas was going to be very interesting this year.
————
Brad began to notice a change in Carla. It had started after he had brought home the Christmas Tree. It was subtle things. She was quieter. She didn’t like to take as many walks as she once did. Maybe it was Christmas. Maybe it was the pandemic. Brad didn’t push her on it.
If it was Christmas, Carla didn’t say anything about it. The whole idea of stealing Christmas was an insane idea but Carla seemed to be taking it in stride.
It started with the canned goods. One day after one of her infrequent walks, the kitchen counter displayed cans of pumpkin, cranberry sauce, water chestnuts, and mushrooms.
“I understand the cranberry sauce and the pumpkin but what’s with the chestnuts and mushrooms?” Brad asked. It was safer asking her these types of questions. It was clear she didn’t want to talk about personal issues.
“It’s a new stuffing recipe I want to try,” was all that Carla would say.
“Don’t you need a turkey for that?” Brad asked.
“Just you wait,” Carla answered.
Brad didn’t have to wait long. A few days later, there was a frozen turkey in the refrigerator.
“How…” Brad couldn’t finish the question. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know. But he did know. She had gone out in sweats and then there was the turkey.
“No one questions a pregnant lady at the grocery store,” Carla casually replied.
Brad conjured up the image. Shoplifting was becoming an art with her. Should he be concerned? He had started all of this. A stolen Christmas. Wasn’t that his suggestion after all?
Brad looked at her. He leaned in and gave her a kiss. He’d have to let this thing play out.
————
Christmas day came with many revelations.
It started with the gifts.
“Go ahead, open it,” Brad said after placing the large gift at Carla’s feet. There was that big grin like the one he had sported after he had brought home the Christmas Tree.
“I can’t imagine what it is. I suppose it will be something totally useless,” Carla began as she tore into the wrapping. “Porch presents never are all that good. People always order the stupidest of things that they don’t really…” Her voice trailed off. Her removal of the wrapping revealed a PlayStation 5.
“Surprised, hunh?” Brad asked.
He wasn’t wrong. She was surprised. She couldn’t believe it. This was too much. The Christmas Tree was one thing but stealing a PlayStation 5 was too much. This was a Christmas present meant for someone else and not for her. There was no way this came from somebody’s porch. There was no way that Brad could have known that someone had ordered a PS5. But where else could he have gotten it?
Carla had so many questions but she felt if she asked them then it would ruin everything for Brad. Instead, she gently set aside the PS5 and quietly grabbed up the large bag and handed it to Brad.
“Oh boy, I just love Christmas. I know I’m just a big kid but…” Brad’s voice had trailed off too after he had opened his gift. Inside was another PlayStation 5. The grin from Brad’s face faded and was replaced by a look of confusion.
“Merry Christmas,” Carla offered up in a quiet crackling voice. The time had come for the truth.
“I don’t understand,” Brad began before being interrupted by Carla.
“Okay, okay. I bought it.” Carla watched Brad’s face. Was he unhappy with her for not stealing it? She couldn’t tell. The look of confusion on his face grew more intent.
“There’s no way. It was sold out everywhere.” If Brad was disappointed that it wasn’t stolen, he didn’t show it.
“Remember last month when I went to visit my sister?” Carla asked?
“Yeah, you told me she was going through something and you went as moral support.”
“The truth is I was in line at Gamer Station. They’re one of my clients. They tweeted out that they had received some stock. I was the second in line. I had to wait all night.“ Carla was still expecting that look of disappointment from Brad. “I’m sorry I just couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t steal Christmas.”
Brad’s face brightened and the grin returned. “Neither could I.”
“I don’t understand.” The look of confusion was now on Carla’s face.
“Compare your PS5 to the one you gave me,” Brad replied.
Carla set both gifts side by side and then she saw it. Brad’s gift to her was a PS5 bundled with “Grim Reaper Redux.”
“It’s your game! I mean it’s that game you used to play. But that game was more than ten years ago.” Carla was even more confused.
“That’s what I was working on earlier this year,“ Brad offered. “It’s the old game remastered with better graphics and more levels. Sony decided to do a special bundle of the game with the release of the PS5. I received a free console for my work.”
“So you didn’t steal yours either then?” Carla pointed out.
“Like you, I couldn’t steal Christmas either.”
“But what about the tree?” Carla queried.
“Oh, Nico gave me that.” Nico was the owner of Hot Licks. “Or rather he sold it to me for a dollar.”
Carla was relieved. But why did Hot Licks close? “But why did Hot Licks close?” she shot back.
“Nico thought it was safer to close over the holidays. He didn’t want to put any of his staff or customers at risk. I saw him putting up the notice one evening and we got to chatting. I asked him what he was going to do with the tree. He told me to take it and hoped it would make my Christmas brighter. I told him I couldn’t just take the tree for nothing so I offered him a dollar. That way I could claim it was a real steal.” Brad seemed very pleased with himself.
“And the other gifts under the tree?” Carla inquired.
“Ordered online. It turns out I’m no thief.”
“Same here,” Carla responded.
The rest of the presents weren’t as extravagant as the PlayStations. There were clothes and the requisite socks and underwear, as well as books and DVDs and other items ordered online and not stolen. Carla laughed to herself thinking about someone possibly stealing someone else’s underwear.
The day was perfect. They had found out what type of people they really were and amazed themselves at the same quality in their partner.
“No one questions a pregnant lady at the grocery store,” Brad said with a laugh later that day over Christmas dinner. “Here I was imagining you with a turkey stuffed in your clothing.
“Oh, that part’s true,” Carla casually replied.
“What!?” Brad exclaimed. “I thought you said you didn’t steal anything?”
“I didn’t. I said the part about no one questioning a pregnant lady at the grocery store was true.”
“I don’t get it,” Brad replied. It took him a few seconds but Carla’s smile explained everything.
“You mean..?” Brad uttered awkwardly.
“Merry Christmas Daddy,” Carla said through her huge smile.
Carla had known for a few weeks but she waited until Christmas to give Brad the news. She had suspected the pregnancy after that day she had vomited in the alley near Hot Licks. The morning sickness had continued after that and a home pregnancy kit had confirmed it. Blood work requested by her Doctor revealed the same. The most difficult thing had not been the morning sickness but keeping the secret from Brad.
Brad was quiet for a moment with the thought of it all. It was a perfect Christmas and nothing had been stolen. Brad decided that the appropriate reply to Carla’s revelation was to reach over to her and steal a kiss. He didn’t think she would mind that he’d stolen something after all.
And she didn’t.
Tags: Christmas, False Ducks, Porch Pirates, Scott Henderson
[…] Christmas” which I penned over the first month and half in 2021 and I debuted in my blahg, A LATE CHRISTMAS STORY…OR AN EARLY ONE. At least this one was written in time for Christmas of 2023. I fell asleep thinking of the […]