If any of you have read my blahg from the last time then you’ll know that this is the second half of my fiftieth blahg. 
There are probably those of you who will probably point out this should be called ‘This is 51’ because this is actually the 51st blahg. Cut me some slack or I’ll never get this blahg published.
If you remember from last time, if you cared enough to even read my previous blahgs, then you’d know that I’m trying to recap the previous 50 blahgs with some funny commentary. I’m going to have to take some artistic license because I’ve skipped the recap on some of the blahgs because the content was similar to other blahgs. I guess you can only write so much about Christmas, Cats, and Dixieland Jazz before you start being unoriginal. Don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll get back to those topics again one of these days. Last time I left off with number 25, so here’s the rest. You’ve been warned.
26. A 2013 Christmas Mish Mash Experience. The point of that blahg was to share some photos of my outdoor Christmas display. I also gave some recommendations for Christmas video watching. Below are the shots of my new outdoor displays. Unfortunately the eight foot Santa from 2013 blew his motor and I haven’t been able to find a replacement. So, I substituted a moose and have added a few others in the past 2 years. Oh yeah, the twinkling lights on the side of my house also died so I’ve got new ones that I hope will last a few years.
Here’s my Christmas video recommendation for this year. This a video of a Sydney, Nova Scotia woman playing the chimes at what used to be the St. Andrew’s Church. She plays “Angels We Have Heard On High” and boy does she get a work-out.
27. Aye Aye Itunes, This Customer Is Always Right. Except when I’m buying my wife something for her Birthday or Christmas. Then she’s right. No doubt I’ll have to return it because I didn’t listen to what she was telling me the first time. What’s that dear?
28. That Was The Month That Was…Or More. That particular blahg was about the oil spill that necessitated the tearing down of my parents’ old house. That was then. This is now. They have a new house on the old site and everything looks good. Dealing with Banks, Insurance, Builders, and Lawyers over that year taught me so much. Yes, now I can use big words like ‘necessitated’ or combination words like ‘rat-bastards’ when dealing with Insurance companies.
29. “I’m Pulling For You Deb Talan”. That blahg was about some of my favorite music but mainly about Deb Talan and “The Weepies”. I am happy to say, as I have said before, Deb Talan won her fight with cancer. The Weepies released a stellar album this year called “Sirens” and I’m glad it was also issued on vinyl. One great thing about this time of year and The Weepies is that they have a hilarious snow globe on their website www.theweepies.com. It has some animated characters running around and when you move your mouse and shake the globe, all the characters go flying and scream. Of course it resets itself but there’s a great holiday song from The Weepies playing in the background. If you can’t view the snow globe then you don’t have ‘flash’ installed. Here’s that holiday song, called “All That I Want”:
30. I Hates Polly Tics! A blahg about politics (or as Popeye would say, “Polly Ticks” I described a politician spouting the same old clap trap as listening to a parrot with a tic. 
Thus the Polly Tics reference. At least we have a new federal Liberal majority government and we can get something done. If there’s anything worse than a bureaucrat offering up the same old party line, it’s a bunch of arguing politicos who act like children in a sandbox fighting or crying over a toy.
31. The False Ducks Video Blahg #2: We Will Not Be Voting Conservative! And we didn’t! Seriously Scott, why not make your next video blahg a musical that we can all sing along to?
32. Wanted: One Good Job. Found: 2 Good Jobs, but I’ll speak about that later. Wanted: One Good Plumber. Seriously, I have a leak in my basement and I’m going to have to take off work early and go home and fix it before I have an indoor swimming pool.
33. Is This The End? I was just being reflective because the summer was coming to an end and I didn’t have enough to keep me busy. I was wondering if I would find better things. 
Well, I recently found the Christmas CDs I misplaced last year. I’m hoping to find peace of mind or at least World Peace. It isn’t the end. It’s just the beginning. Or maybe I missed the end. Maybe it was the Big Bang and everything ended and everything’s starting anew again. The Big Bang. Is that World Peace or World Pieces?
34. What Scares Me. That was a statement and not a question. Now if you are asking a question, that’s something completely different. I’m scared of mice. There, I said it. I don’t do mice. If they get into the house, my wife has to deal with them. Funny, we have cats but my wife and daughter make a big deal of taking the mice away from them. What are the cats for, then? I’m also scared of being so funny that people will laugh at something I said and spontaneously com-bust. Oh yeah, I’m scared of people spontaneously com-busting. I’m not cleaning that up.
35. Some Christmas Memories. There’s Christmas popping back up again. That’s what you get for writing a blahg around this time time of year. 
One of my favorite Christmas memories occurred when I was working in Toronto. I had to take the subway somewhere and there was a young woman playing a Christmas song on the flute. She was on the upper level and I could hear her well and chose to hum along. The subway train came and went on the opposite track and drowned out the sound of the flute. When I could hear the music again, I was surprised that my humming was still in sync with her playing. Beautiful.
36. Je Suis Charlie. No comment needed.
37. My Good Life. Who doesn’t like watching “It’s A Wonderful Life” at this time of year unless you’re a Scrooge and then there’s a totally different movie just for you. I do have a Wonderful Life and I need to keep remembering that. Sometimes when things are not going well, instead of asking what’s wrong, I should ask myself what’s right. The love of a good woman and wonderful children. World Peace would be nice. All I can do is keep putting it at the top of the list.
38. My Unbelievable Life…Starring Me. Another blahg about my incredible life that sometimes is too unreal to believe. Instead of talking about the craziness, I’ll just quote the following song lyrics:
Up at dawnin’, sleepy and yawnin’
Still the taste of wine
Then I remember you’re mine and
I’ve got a world that’s fine
What’s before me, routines that bore me
Punch the clock at eight
But what a lucky guy I am
I’ve got a world that’s great.
Atom bombs, Cap Canaveral and false alarms
Half the universe is up in arms
So I flip a little too, until I’m holding you.
What’s the hassle, I’ll buy the castle
We can live like Kings
If we’re together forever
I’ve got a world that
You’ve got a world that
We’ve got a world that swings!
39. Soup & Sandwich: A Love Story. A marvelous video created by my daughter Abbie, that’s worth reposting:
40. Frank’s Last Story. Pass. 
That was too sad to repeat. I’m showing off one of my favorite pictures of Frank. If you want to read about better times with him, read the blahg: The Christmas Cat.
41. Found: One Good Job (Plus). This talked about my two positions with the local chapter of the Canadian Mental Health Association. It looks like I’ll be increasing my role as Mental Health Counsellor in the new year. Oh great, now I have to wear clothes five days a week…but I’m not complaining.
Okay, so at this point, I should be moving on to number 42. I will in a moment, but let me explain the slight gap in the narrative. I started my last blahg by reviewing the 50 blahgs I had published up to and including that blahg. I split it into two blahgs because I felt a review of all 50 would be too long for one posting. Unfortunately, I’ve skipped over a few blahgs because their topics were very similar. That left me nine comments short and that’s where the artistic license is going to come into play. The next nine don’t refer to specific blahgs but are important to me none the less.
42. The Number 42. Well, that’s significant enough because it’s only the answer to life, the universe, and everything. 
If you don’t get that reference then you’re one of those people who doesn’t read and only enjoys sports. It’s from “The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy” by the late Douglas Adams. For you sports fanatics, it’s also the jersey number of the great baseball player, Jackie Robinson. Coincidence? I think not.
43. The Christmas Mayonnaise. I started to write a short story a few years ago to explain my friend Bryan’s depression around this time of year. He calls it his Christmas Malaise. I try not to feed into it and I’ve joked about it by calling it his Christmas Mayonnaise. His malaise can be like a black hole and suck you in. I didn’t finish the Christmas Mayonnaise story but that black hole reference reminds me of another Christmas story I did finish:
The Hole
Ben struggled with the Christmas tree all the way to the curb. It was Boxing Day and he couldn’t stand to look at it in the house a moment longer.
“See ya, wouldn’t want to be ya,” Ben mused as he gave the tree one last heave and balanced it against a snow bank.
Ben Miller didn’t mind Christmas but there was only so much a man could take. He was still stuffed from the turkey and the pies from the day before, he’d wallowed all month in the sentiment from numerous Christmas movies, and he’d gotten exactly the gifts he had asked for from his wife and kids.
Ben looked down the block. No other house had a tree out at the curb. All of his neighbours usually waited until New Year’s Day or after to rid their homes of their evergreens. There wasn’t even anyone out on the street either. They were probably still all inside and reveling in the Christmas spirit. Ben didn’t get it. Why hang on to it? What was the purpose? It was time for it all to come to an end and for the holidays to move on.
Turning to look down at the other end of the block, Ben noticed the Hole in his front yard. Immediately he fell back into the tree on the bank. There shouldn’t be a Hole in his yard!
Oh, it wasn’t that there was a Hole in the ground or a spot where the snow had melted to reveal a bald patch in the yard. Rather there was an upright Hole about Ben’s height just standing there in the middle of his lawn. It was pitch black and nothing could be seen on either side of it when you attempted to look through it.
Ben cursed at the scratches he’d received from falling against the tree. Struggling out of its branches, Ben eyed the Hole and wondered what on earth it could be.
“What on earth could it be?” Ben asked aloud. He was more than a little shaken from his first sight of the Hole and from falling into a tree that no other house had leaning against their snow banks.
It took a few minutes for Ben to compose himself as he studied the Hole and rubbed at the scratches on his arms and legs. His robe had fallen open and he stood open in his boxer shorts to any and all. But there were no onlookers. There was just Ben and the Hole and that stupid tree.
“Stupid tree!” Ben wrapped up his robe and tried to think what he should do next. He was sure the Hole hadn’t been there before. He would have seen it as he struggled with the tree out to the curb. Maybe it was a reflection, he thought. Maybe it was the sun reflecting against the snow.
“That’s stupid,” Ben muttered aloud. “The sun wouldn’t reflect a black hole. It’s probably…” Ben stopped himself. “A Black Hole. Like in space maybe. I’ll bet that’s what it is.”
Sure that’s what it was, Ben thought. It had to be. It was some kind of Black Hole like those scientists were always talking about. Only this one was in his yard and not in space.
Explaining it this way to himself made Ben more at ease. Half the terror of a thing is not knowing what it is. That made sense. Well, it made about as much sense to Ben as there being a Black Hole in the middle of his yard.
Feeling the tension easing, Ben decided to check out the Hole a little closer. First he walked all around it. He was right. It was a Hole. It was flat and he couldn’t see through it. “Yep, it’s a Black Hole. Funny, I thought it would has some force that would suck you in.” Ben was enjoying this a little. The thought occurred to him that besides there being no trees against snow banks in front of the other houses, his was the only house that had a Black Hole on the front lawn. Ben swelled up with some pride. He thought maybe he could sell tickets or something or that maybe those scientists who were always talking about Black Holes would probably pay big money to study this one.
Ben walked up closer to the Hole and tried to peer into it to see if he could make out anything inside. It was at this point that Ben felt a hand on his back and was pushed abruptly into the Hole.
It was dark. Ben stumbled forward from the force of being pushed into the Hole. He couldn’t see a thing.
Suddenly there was a blinding light and he shut his eyes against the glare. Opening them slowly, Ben was startled to discover he was standing in his yard again about ten feet behind the spot from where he had stood only ten seconds earlier peering into the Hole.
Ben might have continued pondering this revelation if it wasn’t for the other revelation that he was standing on his front lawn looking at himself peering into the Hole.
Ben started to stumble backward and remembered his earlier backward stumble into the tree. He caught himself quickly and stayed upright.
It couldn’t be. How could he be over there peering into the Hole and here staring at himself peering into the Hole? What was that thing? Was it even a Hole? Maybe it was some kind of Time Portal. Scientists were always talking about Time Portals as much as they were Black Holes.
But why would a time portal only take him ten seconds into the past? What could be the purpose of that? What could you even do with those ten seconds again? It wasn’t like it was time enough to change the world or something. What could you do with ten seconds?
Slowly it dawned on Ben. He hadn’t just been given ten seconds. He’d been given another chance. It was all about the value of time. Not about rushing through it or discarding it like it had no value or meaning. It was a lesson. He could look at things differently. He could make other choices. When looked at that way, ten seconds seemed liked time enough to do anything. It was the perfect gift for someone who thought they’d already gotten everything they’d asked for.
Ben knew what he had to do. He had to live like every second had been given back to him to use correctly. He wouldn’t mess it up. To make it all work he only had to do one thing.
Ben walked purposefully across the gap between himself and his other self who was peering into the Hole. Ben put his hand out and pushed himself into the Hole. Turning, Ben went to the curb to bring the tree back into the house.
44. Donald Trump. What is this guy’s problem with mausoleums? He wants to ban mausoleums from the United States. When the guy comes around with the push cart and says “bring out your dead”, he won’t have anywhere to take them to. 
Our comedy show “Dead From The Neck Up” once got in trouble for commenting on our local Mayor’s style by asking “What’s with your friggin’ hair?” I want to ask Donald Trump that.
45. Dead From The Neck Up. As I alluded to, in number 44, I once performed in a radio sketch comedy show called “Dead From The Neck Up.” It used to be called “2 Guys In Short Pants” but after that Mayor’s hair comment we got pulled for a couple of weeks so we reformatted and came back as “Dead From The Neck Up.” I’ve been meaning to write a blahg about our experiences, and yet I may, but I’ll at least offer up two of my favorite Christmas PSAs that I wrote for our show.
46. Speaking of Bing Crosby. Now you won’t get that reference if you didn’t listen to the above audio file, “Teddy The Topless Dancer’s Christmas Message”. What would Christmas be without the movies “Holiday Inn”, “White Christmas”, “Going My Way” or “The Bells of St. Mary’s”? But I also want to draw attention to Bing Crosby’s great Christmas music. Recently, my daughter spouted some statistic that “White Christmas” was Bing Crosby’s biggest selling single of all time. I wondered about that because I saw an interview in the 1970s with Bing Crosby and Gene Shalit where Bing said his highest selling record was his 1935 version of “Silent Night”. A recent search for the current standing shows that Bing’s recording of “White Christmas” is the number one selling single of all time, followed by Elton John’s special recording of “Candle In The Wind” from 1997 and then Bing’s “Silent Night” in third. I actually found the video of the interview between Bing Crosby and Gene Shalit:
For the record, excuse the pun, here’s Bing’s 1935 recording of “Silent Night”:
47. Clifford D. Simak. That’s another blahg that needs writing. He’s my favorite science fiction author and I have a website dedicated to his short science fiction stories: The Science Fiction Short Stories of Clifford D. Simak. I started the website in May of 2005 as a way to fill my time. I wanted it to be one of the most comprehensive websites about this late great author but there is a new website dedicated to the work of Clifford Simak that covers releases in many different countries: Clifford D. Simak – The International Bibliography. In many ways it is far superior to my website but I have been encouraged by others to keep my website going. 
This past October saw a new release of some of his short stories and it included the release of “I had no head and my eyes were floating way up in the air” which was submitted in the 1970s for publication in Harlan Ellison’s “The Last Dangerous Visions”. That anthology has never been published but that lost Simak story is available in the new Simak anthology “I Am Crying All Inside and Other Stories: The Complete Short Fiction of Clifford D. Simak, Volume One”.
48. My Favorite Christmas Song. I have many and on my list are many singers. There have been some great albums in the past few years by artists like Carly Simon and Annie Lennox; to name but a few. Of course Sinatra and Bing Crosby are no slouches and it wouldn’t be the holidays without music from them. This year I’ve been enjoying some Christmas music by Leigh Nash who was one of the members of Sixpence None The Richer. She has a fantastic voice and released a Christmas EP of 7 songs back in 2006. She, as a single artist and with Sixpence None The Richer, have released other Christmas songs on various artist compilations. Most tend toward the religious theme but I think they’re all good. I made a CD of all of her Christmas songs and this is one of my favorites:
49. My Favorite Christmas Movie. Again, too numerous to mention. I do want to give a nod to ten that I enjoy that most people probably haven’t seen but I think are worth tracking down to view (in no particular order):
- Mr. Soft Touch (1949)
- The Holly and The Ivy (1952)
- Holiday Affair (1949)
- Nativity! (2009) – a very funny film and probably the most recent on my list
- It Happened On Fifth Avenue (1947)
- Remember The Night (1940)
- Fitzwilly (1967)
- The Gathering (1977 TV Movie)
- The Man In The Santa Claus Suit (1979 TV Movie)
- The Homecoming: A Christmas Story (1971 TV Movie that inspired “The Waltons”
50. Favorite Christmas Memory. I know this is sort of a cheat because number 35 was Some Christmas Memories. I guess I just have some great Christmas memories that I want to write about. It would be hard to keep it to just one. I talked about my Christmas Cat. Certainly the first Christmas with my wife or many Christmases with my children would make the short list. Yesterday, I told some colleagues about the Christmas when I was in grade six and got beaten up at school just before Christmas. I related the story to the Principal and he called the older boys who laid down the beating on me but they spun a different story of me attacking them. The Principal was stupid and chose to believe them. I let loose with a string of expletives aimed towards the Principal and got suspended. My Mother forced me to apologize or the very large present under the tree, with my name on it, would disappear. I apologized but didn’t mean a word of it. The present was an aquarium. It’s probably in the landfill now, the bullies are probably languishing in prison, and the Principal is rotting in hell; I live in hope.
Seriously, I can’t think of a single memory that tops them all. But that Christmas when I managed to reach 50 blahgs and stretched it to 51 certainly stands out.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
