The False Ducks Blahg This Blahg is about me and other things.

February 21, 2021

THE RAMBLE UNPACKED

    This blahg will probably not make any sense unless you have seen/read my previous blahgScott Henderson, still cool at 58 THE FALSE DUCKS VIDEO BLAHG #4: OH, DIDN’T I RAMBLE.  In that blahg, I rambled about a number of things that I wanted to talk about this year.  This blahg will unpack some of those topics and will show how I’m doing this year with some of my projects.  There will be images, videos, and music, so I’d stick around if I were you.  That wasn’t meant to be a threat but hey, what are you going to do about it?  No, not you, I’m talking to the person standing behind you.  Made you look!    

   In case you skipped reading the aforementioned blahg, here’s the video so you can see what I’m talking about: 

At one point in that video I show the cuckoo clock that my mother gave me about five or six years ago which means it’s probably closer to 7 years ago.  It has been in a box by my desk since then and I decided to finally tackle the project of restoring the clock.  Here’s a front image of the clock before I began working on it: 

The front of the Cuckoo Clock before being restored

Notice that the door is missing at the top, the wooden balcony is missing below the dancers, and the Fraulein on the right at the bottom is also missing.  I had all of those parts but they still needed to be attached.  Here’s a shot of the inside of the clock: 

Inside of my cuckoo clock

The picture of the inside was taken after I had removed the inside mechanism and cleaned it up and then replaced everything.  I had not removed the bellows but you can see that the top parts of the bellows are missing. Below are some pictures of one of the bellows removed, the clockworks after it had been removed, as well as a shot of the clock housing when the mechanism was removed:

One of the bellows removed

The clockworks removed

The clock housing with clockworks removed

These were the only photos I took of the restoration.  Luckily, I did video document the repairs and you can see in the video below the complete restoration. 

In the video, I mention two companies where I purchased parts for the clock.  If you want to purchase parts in Canada, try:  https://perrinwatchparts.com and in the United States try  https://www.clockworks.com/.  There are some very good videos about cuckoo clock repair and one in particular that I found helpful was the one below: 

   Moving on…In my ramble I also mentioned some books that I want to read.  I detailed how I had ordered a book called “How To Be Topp.”  Let me back up a bit and detail something else that I explained in the video.  Happy ChristmasEvery Christmas I read from a book called “Happy Christmas.”  It is a book compiled by William Kean Seymour and John Smith.  From the dust-jacket:  “The contents have been drawn from English prose and poetry, from Elizabethan times to the present day.”  The “present day” being 1968 when it was first printed or 1978 when it was reprinted.  I would check out this book every year from the Picton library until one year my wife found it in the school library where she was working.  Either they were getting rid of it or she liberated it.  Regardless, I’m glad to own it. 

   There are several stories and poems that I enjoy reading from the collection and some are excerpts from books that I’ve never read or never known existed.  Ding-Dong Farely Merily For XmasOne of the entries that always intrigued me was “Ding-Dong Farely Merily For Xmas” from Geoffrey Willans’ “How to be Topp.”  The excerpt on the right, which will enlarge if you click on it, is the first page of the teaser.  The teaser being that the short excerpt is only three pages.  I’ve always wondered what the entire book would be like.  This year, I decided to steam full ahead and ordered a paperback copy of “How to be Topp.”  Both the hardcover and paperback are out of print but the a used copy of the book was a lot less than the hardcover and easier to obtain.  The images below are of the front cover and explanations on the inside from the editor and the author: 

How To Be Topp (front cover)

How To Be Topp (author's explanation)

How To Be Topp (editor's explanation)

I haven’t got around to reading it yet but it’s on my list to read after the current book I am reading which was also mentioned in my ramble. 

   Back in 1990 I started reading a short story published in either Canadian Author and Bookman or Canadian Forum.  I don’t know if I ever finished reading the story but because it was a library copy, and I couldn’t check it out, they allowed me to photocopy the pages.  I have kept those pages and over the years thought often about trying to find the novel from which the story was an excerpt.  Somewhere along the way, I lost one of the pages of the story and this past Christmas I decided to pull out what I had in an effort to track down the original novel.  Below are images of the two pages I photocopied back in December of 1990.  Again, click on each for a larger image.

excerpt from "Roses Are Difficult Here" (1)

excerpt from "Roses Are Difficult Here" (2)

I finally ordered a hardcover copy of the book “Roses Are Difficult Here” by W.O. Mitchell. 

Roses Are Difficult Here

It’s the story of a small prairie town in Canada through the eyes of the editor of the local paper.  I’m about 100 pages in, without having encountered the excerpts from above, and I’m thoroughly enjoying the book.  It’s well written with small town humour and quirky characters.  I highly recommend it even though I haven’t finished it yet. 

   Next up I want to go back to some of the albums I mentioned in my ramble video.  Over this past year it has been a treat to get out to thrift shops when they’ve been open.  I find myself always pouring through their used records and I’ve picked up quite a few jazz albums over the past year.  I’ll have to create another blahg just to talk about some of those acquisitions but right now I’m just going to address those featured in the ramble. 

   First up is “The Vancouver Scene” featuring Lance Harrison’s Dixieland band.  The Vancouver Scene (front)This is a Canadian record from 1965.  Here’s what I could find out about Lance Harrison.  This comes from the website https://www.thecanadianencyclopedia.ca/en/article/lance-harrison-emc

“Lance (Easton) Harrison, saxophonist, clarinetist, banjoist, singer, entertainer (born 23 June 1915 in Vancouver, BC; died 26 November 2000 in Langley, BC).

Lance (Easton) Harrison, saxophonist, clarinetist, banjoist, singer, entertainer (born 23 June 1915 in Vancouver, BC; died 26 November 2000 in Langley, BC). At first a banjoist and guitarist, Harrison switched to saxophone in his teens and played in the Vancouver dance bands of Trevor Page, Sandy DeSantis, and Dal Richards. After service during World War II in RCAF dance and show bands, he was a sideman for over 20 years in Vancouver pit, dance, and hotel orchestras.

In 1950 he also began leading his own dixieland band, which was heard on the CBC, both in variety series – eg, ‘Hotel Downbeat’ (radio), ‘The Twenties Roar’ (radio), ‘Some of Those Days’ (TV, summers 1961-6) – and on jazz programs. It also performed in Vancouver clubs (eg, Pillar and Post), on the Vancouver Island ferries, and, during the 1980s, at Troller’s Pub, Horseshoe Bay. Members of the band included the trumpeters Stew Barnett or Don Clark, the trombonist Jack Fulton, the pianist Bud Henderson, and the bassist Stan Johnson. It made several CBC broadcast recordings, including The Lance Harrison Dixieland Band (1965, RCI 263), as well as two commercial LPs, The Vancouver Scene (1965, RCA PCS-1043) and Happy Jazz (1972, Water St 1636).

Harrison was a convincing exponent of the dixieland and swing styles; his tenor saxophone style reflected the particular influence of Eddie Miller. Although Harrison rarely performed outside the Vancouver area, he was featured in the CBC TV special ‘A Visit to New Orleans,’ filmed during a trip to the birthplace of jazz in 1971, and he appeared with the US cornetist ‘Wild Bill’ Davison during club engagements made in Toronto and Ottawa in 1983. His band performed occasionally during the 1990s, and Harrison in 1994 joined the ensemble Red Beans and Rice, with Rice Honeywell, with whom he recorded the CD Runnin’ Wild in 1996. Harrison was a member of the BC Entertainment Hall of Fame.”

Here’s a partial scan of the back cover:

The Vancouver Scene (back cover)If you click on the image you will get a much larger scan of the cover and can read the cover notes and the track listings.  I don’t mind posting a couple of tracks here because this album is not on CD and this gives you a chance to sample the LP in case you’re thinking about tracking it down.  First up is “Ya Gotta Know How To Love”:

I believe that’s Lance Harrison on vocals on “Ya Gotta Know How To Love”.  Regarding the song, Lance Harrison mentions in the jacket notes that he first heard that song performed by the Denza Dance Band and that he still owns the Gene Austin 78rpm record of that song.  For the record, sorry about that pun, here’s a Youtube video/audio of Gene Austin’s version from 1926

The second track I’ll present from “The Vancouver Scene” is a swinging version of “At The Jazz Band Ball”: 

If anyone is interested in hearing more tracks from this fabulous album then let me know and I’ll post some tracks.

   The second album that I mention in my ramble video is “and now in person Jonah Jones.”  Jonah Jones LiveThis album is from 1966 and was “Recorded Live at the Crescendo On Hollywood’s Fabulous Sunset Strip”  This is another LP that I don’t believe has had a CD release.  Jonah Jones and his Quartet swing some great songs on this album with Jonah doing some vocals.  Here’s a scan of the back cover.  Remember to click on the image to see a larger scan. 

And Now In Person Jonah Jones (rear cover)

The first track I have chosen from the album is “From This Moment On”.  The band is really swinging on this one. 

I really like Jonah Jones and his quartet.  I have a couple of their other albums that I’ll have to dig out.  Finishing, up with this album, I’ve chosen another track from the first side of the album.  This time it’s the old chestnut “I Can’t Get Started.” 

   The third album that I mention in the video is “Nathaniel Rateliff & The Night Sweats – B Sides and Bonus Songs”.  Here are shots of the front and back covers: 

nathaniel rateliff & the night sweats b sides and bonus songs (front)

nathaniel rateliff & the night sweats b sides and bonus songs (back)

I haven’t listened to this album yet but I wouldn’t post tracks here because this is a new album and I don’t want to violate any copyrights.  I did get to see Nathaniel Rateliff in concert in Toronto last year with my son and NR was great.  He appeared this past weekend, February 13th as the musical guest on Saturday Night Live so I’ll link to two videos of his performances.  The first is the song “Redemption” which is a new song featured in the film “Palmer”:

The second is “A Little Honey” and it’s Nathaniel Rateliff & The Night Sweats: 

“A Little Honey” is off the 2018 album “Tearing At The Seams”.  Check out everything you can by Nathaniel Rateliff.  He’s a talented artist and his solo album from 2020  “And It’s Still Alright” is a gem  I particularly enjoy the song “Rush On” from that album.  Here’s the video for “Rush On”: 

   Stepping back to jazz, I’m going to talk about an album that I didn’t mention in my ramble.  This album was either one I had ordered and was expecting in the mail or was ordered after I recorded my ramble video.  I’m a fan of another jazz trumpeter, Billy Butterfield.  Back in December of 1978 Billy Butterfield appeared at the Manassas Jazz Festival in Manassas, Virginia.Swinging At The Elks' (front)  The label, Fat Cat’s Jazz, released an album called “Swinging At The Elks’, Billy Butterfield and his World Class Jazz Band”.  I received the album a couple of weeks ago and was very excited to listen to it.  Here’s a scan of the back cover: 

Swinging At The Elks' (rear)

Make sure you click on the back cover scan for a larger image.  After reading the jacket notes, I realized that I had actually heard most of the tracks on this album.  Last year I came across a music blog, https://jazzlives.wordpress.com/2020/01/24/brilliance-in-a-small-space-billy-butterfield-spiegle-willcox-kenny-davern-spencer-clark-dick-wellstood-marty-grosz-van-perry-tony-dinicola-manassas-jazz-festival-december-1-1978/ where the author of the blahg linked to a video of Billy Butterfield’s performance at the Manassas Jazz Festival on December 1st, 1978.  Lo and behold, all of the songs in the video are also on the album “Swinging At The Elks'”.  Here is the video of those performances from December 1st 1978:

Researching a little further, I found that there was another Youtube video from the Manassas Jazz Festival on December 3rd, 1978 featuring the songs SOMEDAY SWEETHEART / STARDUST / COTTON TAIL / & SINGIN’ THE BLUES.  Here’s that video: 

So where did that leave me with the album “Swinging At The Elks'”?  Well, if you read the back cover, there is one song on the album from December 2nd, 1978 with the following musicians: Billy Butterfield, Mason Thomas (clt), Spencer Clark (bass sax), Bill Allred (tbn), Larry Eanet (piano), Paul Langosch (str. bass), Cliff Leeman (drs).  That song is “Carolina In The Morning”: 

I don’t know if Billy Butterfield played any other songs on December 2nd, 1978 at the Manassas Jazz Festival but with the two videos above and the one track from the album, we are treated to 11 songs from Billy Butterfield at the Festival.  I guess the album purchase was worth it for that one song from December 2nd, 1978. 

   Before I conclude this blahg, I want to comment on one of the Blu-Rays featured in the ramble and one that was not.  I won’t comment on “Fedora” directed by Billy Wilder.  I haven’t watched it yet but friend Bryan has and he really enjoyed it.  I want to, however, comment on two ClassicFlix releases.  Africa Screams Blu-RayThe one featured in my ramble video was the Blu-Ray release of “Africa Screams” with Abbott and Costello.  This film has never looked so good and the extras include some sketches from their appearances on the Colgate Comedy Hour as well a radio show from May 5, 1948 with Bela Lugosi, and an Abbott and Costello 3-D comic (on screen) and a pair of 3D glasses.  There are other nice extras but you’ll have to purchase it to find out more. 

   ClassicFlix also released another film on DVD and Blu-Ray that I did not mention in my ramble.  For a long time I have had a gap in my Laurel and Hardy collection and my Harry Langdon collection.  That one film is Zenobia from 1939.  For what it’s worth, here’s the information from Wikipedia:

Zenobia is one of the few films after the teaming of Laurel and Hardy that features Hardy without Stan Laurel, the result of a contract dispute between Laurel and producer Hal Roach, who maintained separate contracts for each performer, rather than a team contract, which would have offered them more control over their careers. Zenobia was Roach’s attempt to create a new comedic pair without Laurel, and a series of films with Hardy and Langdon was planned. The dispute was short-lived, however, and Laurel and Hardy were reunited shortly thereafter.

Zenobia VHSThe film was issued in 1997 by Video Treasures on VHS as part of the Laurel & Hardy Classic Collection.  I owned all of the Laurel & Hardy VHS issues in that series and gradually disposed of them one by one as they became released on DVD.  The exception was, of course, Zenobia, Zenobia Blu-Raywhich I held onto until ClassicFlix released the film on DVD & Blu-Ray in November of last year.  I had ordered it and forgot about it until it arrived after my ramble video.  The only extras on the film are a Restoration Comparison and some other ClassicFlix trailers.  The film itself is the gem here.  I have never seen it look so good and it’s a cute little film with both stars.  I highly recommend it. 

   Finally, I want to give another shout out to the people who restored “Africa Screams.”  I mention in my ramble video that they’re working on restoring “Jack and the Beanstalk” with Abbott and Costello.  I’ve already donated to it but if you really want to support a worthwhile project, check out their Kickstarter:  https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/3dfilmarchive/help-restore-abbott-and-costellos-jack-and-the-beanstalk.  They’ve already reached their goal but with extra money they can always include extra content.  “Jack and the Beanstalk” has been in public domain with so many bad image DVD releases.  This is the chance to see this film restored to how those two great comics would have wanted us to see it. 

   So there’s the ramble unpacked.  I’ve addressed most of everything I mentioned in the video as well as a few other things.  I think I’ve also rambled enough for this blahg.  Until next time…Scott out.

 

February 4, 2021

A LATE CHRISTMAS STORY…OR AN EARLY ONE

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , — sinatrafan @ 1:06 am

   Here it is February 3, 2021 and I’m posting a new blahg.Scott Henderson, still cool at 58 This isn’t going to be a long blahg but I accomplished something today that I want to share with everyone.  Blahgs don’t have to be long and this will count towards that 100 blahgs mark I want to reach this year. 

   I usually write a short Christmas story every year and end up posting it in one of my blahgs.  Most of them are fictional but 2019’s entry “MEATS AND CHEESES AND BABY JESUS” was a Christmas Entertainment based on real events.  In 2020, I was so busy writing and recording for the “The Dead From The Neck Up 25th Anniversary Covid 19 Quarantine Special” that I didn’t get around to writing a new story.  I guess writing the fictional Christmas themed comedy sketches counts but it isn’t exactly the same. 

   By the way, if you haven’t listened to the “The Dead From The Neck Up 25th Anniversary Covid 19 Quarantine Special” then check out this video below containing the remastered version of our special.  It’s just the audio from our program set to images of my Christmas display this past Christmas. 

   After Christmas, I got thinking about the idea of someone having a Christmas by stealing everything they needed for the holiday.  It was inspired by all of the news stories of stealing parcels off people’s porches over the holiday season.  This of course, has inspired the term “Porch Pirates.”  I’m not condoning the practise but the thought did spark the germ of an idea for a short story.  The result is the story below “A Stolen Christmas.”

     It took me more than a month to complete the story.  Procrastination was my best friend and motivation was my enemy.  I usually write from start to finish and then edit.  I think this is the only story where I wrote a snip of a beginning, part of the middle, and part of the end.  Today I went back and finished the ending, went back and fleshed out the beginning, and then completed the connecting pieces in the middle.  Am I happy with it?  I think I am.  Writing a story is like getting a gift.  Until you’re finished it, you never know what you’re going to end up with.  So here’s a late for 2020 or early for 2021 Christmas story.  I hope you enjoy it.

 

The Stolen Christmas

by

Scott Henderson

      It was nearing the end of November before Brad realized it was almost Christmas again.

     “Do you realize it’s almost Christmas again?” he hollered out to Carla.

      Carla was in the bedroom that also doubled as her home office. Brad’s home office was in the spare bedroom. He and Carla both were able to work from home during the pandemic. She was part of a team who developed online advertising and Brad did coding for video games. It sometimes made for tight quarters but if staying home and staying safe were necessary then they would make it work.

     “It seems to steal up on us earlier every year,” she shouted back.

     “What’s that?” Brad inquired, leaning into their bedroom.

     “You asked me if I realized it’s almost Christmas again and I replied it seems to steal up on us earlier every year.  Say, aren’t you supposed to be working.”

     “I’m on a break,” he replied.  “It’s one of the perks of working from home.”

     “I could use a break, too,” she offered in return.

     “Coffee run?” Brad asked as he stretched in the doorway.

     “Hot Licks it is,” she replied.

     Hot Licks, was the neighbourhood ice-cream and coffee shop.  It was one of the few businesses offering curbside pickup.  Brad and Carla could have just as easily made coffee at home but one of the perks of working from home certainly was not seeing the same walls day in and day out.  Both made it a point to go out for a walk at least once a day to get exercise and a change of scenery.

     It had been challenging this past year working from home.  Oh, having home work stations was easily accomplished and their Internet was fast enough to handle their needs.   It was the social aspect that was the most difficult.  In the past few weeks, it had just been the two of them and not getting on each other’s nerves was a conscious effort for both of them.  They took walks together, yes, but they also took walks alone or made excuses to run errands without the other.  Carla enjoyed going to the grocery store alone and Brad had taken to early evening coffee runs on his own.

     “What was that you said about stealing Christmas,” he asked of Carla when they were down on the street.

     “I didn’t say anything about stealing Christmas, silly.  I said Christmas seems to steal up on us earlier every year.”

     “Oh,” Brad replied.  “Still…”, he said trailing off and looking at some of the houses on their way to Hot Licks.  “Still,” he began again.  “I wonder if it could be done?”

     “If what could be done?” Carla inquired.  He was making no sense.

    Brad stopped and pointed to the porch of a bungalow.  “Look at that package sitting there.  Obviously some courier left it when he realized no one was home.  Anyone could just walk up and steal it.”  Brad seemed overly excited about the notion.

     “What are you going on about? “ Carla asked.  “You’re not thinking about stealing that package?”  She tugged at his arm to try to remove him from the temptation.

     “No,” Brad said, resisting her efforts to pull him along.  “I’m thinking bigger.  I was wondering if it were possible to steal Christmas.”

     Carla stared at him.  What was he saying?

     “What are you saying?” Carla asked, speaking her thoughts aloud.

     “Well,” Brad began.  “Every year we have a pretty good Christmas and I have no complaints but there’s no challenge in it.  We spend what we spend and we get each other what we get each other.  Maybe it’s the whole pandemic but I want things to be different.”

     “Things are different.  There’s a pandemic and we’re in a lockdown,” Carla said, stating the obvious.

     “I know,” Brad began again.  “But what if we stole our Christmas?  Nothing store bought or ordered.  Everything has to be stolen.  No ordering online either.  It can be done.  Just look at that package on that porch, for example.  It would be so easy and every gift is a surprise box.”

     Carla couldn’t believe what he was saying.  Was he really serious about this?

     “I’m serious about this,” Brad continued.  “Let’s do it.  I’ll take care of the tree and decorations and you take care of the Christmas dinner menu.”

     “We can’t,” Carla answered in reply.  Still, she didn’t have a rational reason why they couldn’t.  A moral reason yes but Brad seemed so intent on the idea.  Could she really go along with this?  The idea was insane but Brad was right, it was a challenge and they had so few of those other than those imposed by the pandemic and the lockdown.

     “Just say you’ll think about it,” Brad implored.  He was squeezing her hand now.

      “You won’t get a PlayStation 5 for Christmas, then,” was all she could think to say.

     “Neither will you, unless one of the mystery porch presents contains one.  I know you want a PS5 just as badly as I do.”

     “What about that coffee?” she asked pulling at his arm again.  “I have work to do and so do you.”  She hoped that removing him from the sight of the porch parcel would eventually aid in him forgetting about his stealing Christmas idea.

     They eventually made it to Hot Licks and back home again.  Nothing more was said that day about the crazy idea.

————

       Nothing more had been said about the Christmas stealing for almost a week until one evening Brad came in with a Christmas Tree.  It had obviously been a struggle to get it in the elevator let alone the building.  It was fully lighted and decorated with ornaments.

     “How do you like that!” Brad declared.

     Carla was taken aback.  There was Brad standing there with a seven foot artificial Christmas Tree and a grin almost as big.  It wasn’t the fact that he was standing there with this tree but that she recognized it.  The tree was the one outside of Hot Licks.  It still had some of the coffee themed ornaments adorning its limbs.  She recognized the star on top and even the red metal stand.  Brad had thought of everything.

     “Don’t tell me you don’t like it?” Brad began.  “Do you know what it took to get it up here?  The stares alone were enough to stop me in my tracks but I was committed.  Someone once said ‘don’t steal anything small’.”

     “Oh yeah who was that?”  Carla decided it would be best to play along.

     “I don’t know, but somebody did,” Brad replied.

     “Hey Google,” Carla shouted out to their Google Nest Hub.  “Who said, Never Steal Anything Small?”  It not only controlled lights and electrical devices in their home, but through its connection to the Internet, it was a wealth of information.

     “James Cagney,” Google replied.  “Never steal anything small marked the last time James Cagney sang and danced on screen.”

     “There you go,” Brad remarked triumphantly.  “Never steal anything small.  Do you want to me sing and dance?

     “No thanks,” Carla replied, “I’ve seen you sing and dance.  I’d rather watch the tree.”

      Brad took that as his cue.  He went to the kitchen and rifled through a drawer and came up with an extension cord.  He plugged it into a spare outlet and then connected the tree.  Immediately the apartment was ablaze with the glow of the coloured lights.

      “Hey Google, turn off all of the apartment lights,” Brad shouted.

     The result was stunning.  The glow from the tree was breathtaking.

     “Will you look at that,” Brad exclaimed.

     Carla was.  She was looking at the tree…a tree that should have been outside Hot Licks.  He was right, though, it was a sight to behold…certainly better than watching Brad dance.  Of course, Brad had set up the tree in the middle of their living area but she could adjust that later.  Right now, she would let him have this moment.

     That night, Carla lay in bed thinking about the tree.  This stealing business was now a thing and it was getting serious.  The tree outside of Hot Licks was a source of pride in the neighbourhood.  What would people say when they noticed it gone?  Should Carla say something to Brad?  How could she?  Brad had been so proud of himself.  Did this mean she was now committed to the stealing Christmas scheme?  Could she really do it?  Brad had made the first move.  Now it was up to her.

     The next day during her lunch break, Carla made an excuse about having to get some air.  She made sure that on her walk, she passed by Hot Licks.  She was right, the tree was gone.  On the door there was a sign that read:  ‘Merry Christmas everyone, closed until further notice.’

     Carla was taken aback.  What did this mean?  The store had been open yesterday.  She had bought coffee there for her and Brad.  Did this single act of theft bring about the closure of the store?  Had the owners taken it that hard?  Maybe it was a sense of betrayal to them.

     Carla felt sick.  She stepped into an alley and threw up.

     When she returned to the apartment she was very pale.  Brad was still working.  Carla went back to work.  She was still feeling nauseous.  Later, it passed.  She said nothing to Brad.

————

            The gifts began to appear beneath the tree.  There were small things at first and then Brad had placed a larger gift under the tree.  It was a square box shape and had some heft to it.  Carla couldn’t help herself.  She stopped short of shaking it or tearing off a small piece of the wrapping to get an idea of what might be inside.

            Was this one of those porch parcels?  She didn’t know when Brad had acquired it.  It just showed up beneath the tree one day.  Did this make Brad a Porch Pirate?  The phrase was all over the media.  When she thought about it, she really didn’t want to know.  The uneasiness was back in her stomach again.

            A few days later, there was a large Christmas gift for Brad underneath the tree.  He too, had tested the weight of the present.  It was heavy enough and it set his mind wondering what it was.  He also wondered where Carla had picked it up.  Had she picked it up…off someone’s porch maybe?  Brad didn’t want to think about it.  Christmas was going to be very interesting this year.

————

           Brad began to notice a change in Carla.  It had started after he had brought home the Christmas Tree.  It was subtle things.  She was quieter.  She didn’t like to take as many walks as she once did.  Maybe it was Christmas.  Maybe it was the pandemic.  Brad didn’t push her on it.

            If it was Christmas, Carla didn’t say anything about it.  The whole idea of stealing Christmas was an insane idea but Carla seemed to be taking it in stride.

            It started with the canned goods.  One day after one of her infrequent walks, the kitchen counter displayed cans of pumpkin, cranberry sauce, water chestnuts, and mushrooms.

            “I understand the cranberry sauce and the pumpkin but what’s with the chestnuts and mushrooms?” Brad asked.  It was safer asking her these types of questions.  It was clear she didn’t want to talk about personal issues.

            “It’s a new stuffing recipe I want to try,” was all that Carla would say.

            “Don’t you need a turkey for that?” Brad asked.

            “Just you wait,” Carla answered.

            Brad didn’t have to wait long.  A few days later, there was a frozen turkey in the refrigerator.

            “How…” Brad couldn’t finish the question.  He wasn’t sure he wanted to know.  But he did know.  She had gone out in sweats and then there was the turkey.

            “No one questions a pregnant lady at the grocery store,” Carla casually replied.

            Brad conjured up the image.  Shoplifting was becoming an art with her.  Should he be concerned?  He had started all of this.  A stolen Christmas.  Wasn’t that his suggestion after all?

            Brad looked at her.  He leaned in and gave her a kiss.  He’d have to let this thing play out.

————

     Christmas day came with many revelations.

     It started with the gifts.

     “Go ahead, open it,” Brad said after placing the large gift at Carla’s feet.  There was that big grin like the one he had sported after he had brought home the Christmas Tree.

     “I can’t imagine what it is.  I suppose it will be something totally useless,” Carla began as she tore into the wrapping.  “Porch presents never are all that good.  People always order the stupidest of things that they don’t really…”  Her voice trailed off.  Her removal of the wrapping revealed a PlayStation 5.

“Surprised, hunh?” Brad asked.

     He wasn’t wrong.  She was surprised.  She couldn’t believe it.  This was too much.  The Christmas Tree was one thing but stealing a PlayStation 5 was too much.  This was a Christmas present meant for someone else and not for her.  There was no way this came from somebody’s porch.  There was no way that Brad could have known that someone had ordered a PS5.  But where else could he have gotten it?

     Carla had so many questions but she felt if she asked them then it would ruin everything for Brad.  Instead, she gently set aside the PS5 and quietly grabbed up the large bag and handed it to Brad.

     “Oh boy, I just love Christmas.  I know I’m just a big kid but…”  Brad’s voice had trailed off too after he had opened his gift.  Inside was another PlayStation 5.  The grin from Brad’s face faded and was replaced by a look of confusion.

     “Merry Christmas,” Carla offered up in a quiet crackling voice.  The time had come for the truth.

     “I don’t understand,” Brad began before being interrupted by Carla.

     “Okay, okay.  I bought it.”  Carla watched Brad’s face.  Was he unhappy with her for not stealing it?  She couldn’t tell.  The look of confusion on his face grew more intent.

    “There’s no way.  It was sold out everywhere.”  If Brad was disappointed that it wasn’t stolen, he didn’t show it.

     “Remember last month when I went to visit my sister?” Carla asked?

     “Yeah, you told me she was going through something and you went as moral support.”

      “The truth is I was in line at Gamer Station.  They’re one of my clients.  They tweeted out that they had received some stock.  I was the second in line.  I had to wait all night.“  Carla was still expecting that look of disappointment from Brad.   “I’m sorry I just couldn’t do it.  I just couldn’t steal Christmas.”

     Brad’s face brightened and the grin returned.  “Neither could I.”

      “I don’t understand.”  The look of confusion was now on Carla’s face.

      “Compare  your PS5 to the one you gave me,” Brad replied.

     Carla set both gifts side by side and then she saw it.  Brad’s gift to her was a PS5 bundled with “Grim Reaper Redux.”

      “It’s your game!  I mean it’s that game you used to play.  But that game was more than ten years ago.”  Carla was even more confused.

     “That’s what I was working on earlier this year,“ Brad offered.  “It’s the old game remastered with better graphics and more levels.  Sony decided to do a special bundle of the game with the release of the PS5.  I received a free console for my work.”

     “So you didn’t steal yours either then?” Carla pointed out.

     “Like you, I couldn’t steal Christmas either.”

     “But what about the tree?” Carla queried.

     “Oh, Nico gave me that.”  Nico was the owner of Hot Licks.  “Or rather he sold it to me for a dollar.”

     Carla was relieved.  But why did Hot Licks close?  “But why did Hot Licks close?” she shot back.

     “Nico thought it was safer to close over the holidays.  He didn’t want to put any of his staff or customers at risk.  I saw him putting up the notice one evening and we got to chatting.  I asked him what he was going to do with the tree.  He told me to take it and hoped it would make my Christmas brighter.  I told him I couldn’t just take the tree for nothing so I offered him a dollar.  That way I could claim it was a real steal.”  Brad seemed very pleased with himself.

      “And the other gifts under the tree?” Carla inquired.

     “Ordered online.  It turns out I’m no thief.”

     “Same here,” Carla responded.

      The rest of the presents weren’t as extravagant as the PlayStations.  There were clothes and the requisite socks and underwear, as well as books and DVDs and other items ordered online and not stolen.  Carla laughed to herself thinking about someone possibly stealing someone else’s underwear.

      The day was perfect.  They had found out what type of people they really were and amazed themselves at the same quality in their partner.

      “No one questions a pregnant lady at the grocery store,” Brad said with a laugh later that day over Christmas dinner.  “Here I was imagining you with a turkey stuffed in your clothing.

      “Oh, that part’s true,” Carla casually replied.

     “What!?” Brad exclaimed.  “I thought you said you didn’t steal anything?”

     “I didn’t.  I said the part about no one questioning a pregnant lady at the grocery store was true.”

     “I don’t get it,” Brad replied.  It took him a few seconds but Carla’s smile explained everything.

     “You mean..?” Brad uttered awkwardly.

      “Merry Christmas Daddy,” Carla said through her huge smile.

     Carla had known for a few weeks but she waited until Christmas to give Brad the news.  She had suspected the pregnancy after that day she had vomited in the alley near Hot Licks.  The morning sickness had continued after that and a home pregnancy kit had confirmed it.  Blood work requested by her Doctor revealed the same.  The most difficult thing had not been the morning sickness but keeping the secret from Brad.

      Brad was quiet for a moment with the thought of it all.  It was a perfect Christmas and nothing had been stolen.  Brad decided that the appropriate reply to Carla’s revelation was to reach over to her and steal a kiss.  He didn’t think she would mind that he’d stolen something after all.

      And she didn’t.

 

 

 


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