The False Ducks Blahg

   Last week I got to view the movie “Dear Evan Hansen” with my daughter Abbie who had been looking forward to seeing it.  Unfortunately the movie did not live up to her expectations.  She and her sister Emily were in New York a few years ago when “Dear Evan Hansen” was playing on Broadway but they couldn’t get tickets.  Abbie has been listening to the Broadway soundtrack for a few years and had high expectations for the movie.  Critical reviews of the movie were not stellar and Abbie and I were also left disappointed in the film. 

   If you haven’t seen the film, you should.  It’s the story of an awkward teenager who writes letters to himself for self-affirmation.  Unfortunately one of the letters is intercepted by another teen who kills himself.  The letter, found in the dead teen’s possessions, suggests that the late teen and Evan Hansen had a friendship which was shared through letters and emails.  The story goes on to be inspirational through the songs and the bond Evan creates with the dead teen’s family and Evan’s classmates who struggle to make sense of things.  It’s an interesting story and worth a viewing even if we thought it didn’t really come together. Abbie said that some of the Broadway songs were not included in the film and others were added.  Music and lyrics were created by Benj Pasek and Justin Paul who also worked on “The Greatest Showman.”  “The Greatest Showman” is a much better film and has wonderful songs. 

   I started thinking about the idea of someone writing to themselves for affirmation.  I remembered that I once wrote a poem back in 1986 to myself.  The title was “to old one” and it was about wanting to ask my elder self how I got through things or if I’d be okay in the future.  Here’s that poem: 

to old one

I imagine one day
I’ll be old–
and knowin’ me
one day will be about
all I can hack–
so I’m writin’ this to my old self
not what I was
but what I’ll be
for that one day

I’m tellin’ myself
to be happy
bein’ old
’cause maybe by then
I’ll have deserved that
but now I can’t accord dignity
in addressin’ my old self
and this’ll only make sense
later on
to an old man

but old one,
that’s you or I mean me,
yer ruptured youth
is writin’ to you here
’cause we’re two different persons
you and me
and you know things
I’ve yet to live
but that’s cause
yer memory and you
are old old one

and there was a time
when I needed you
to talk to me
and tell me
how I got by things or
over ’em or
through ’em
but that’d be cheatin’
and I matured into that truth

but old one
young one
still needs you
’cause I need to know
I’m still gonna be me
but old me
and someone new to talk to
if only in my mind
when we’re one

so know yer youth
old one
and keep in touch
or get in touch
with this
young one
who needs not to know
you’re old old one
but old enough to remember being
young once
and writing to
yer old self
to hear if
you stayed
old
long enough
to receive this poem
written by
yer young one once

I wouldn’t say it’s one of my better efforts but it was what I was feeling and the way I was writing at the time.  I’m sure there’s not a song to be made of it.  If I had to reply to my young self I’d say “no comment” or “spoiler alert” because it would be cheating to help my young self out.  I had problems and adversity but it made me who I am today and if I told myself to avoid all of those things then I’d be completely different and the truth is I’m fine being me. 

   I started reading through all of my poems around that time and found that some were good and some were bad but the bulk were mediocre and not worth repeating.  I did find another poem written in December of 1986 that I thought I would post here along the line of Dear…  Here’s “dear santa”: 

dear santa

I was maybe nine
when my parents
up and told me
there’s no Santa Claus
and I suspected
at the time
that they weren’t
bein’ truthful ’bout that

but now
I’m pretty sure
they were mistaken
’cause I saw old Nick
the other day
at the mall
and I can’t help wonderin’
if he knows
parents are tryin’
to suppress
his existence
all over

and why is that?
what have parents got
against Santa?

ya know it just might be
that Nick’s too powerful
for the average parent
’cause all year long
moms and dads
try to discipline
their kids
without success
but ya mention
Santa
anywhere nears Christmas
and control is
immediately established

and maybe that’s it!
maybe parents
get their ego’s bruised
by the idea
of some
white beard old goat
havin’ more pull
than them

and maybe that’s why
after eight or nine years
the kids are told
this lie
about St. Nicholas
bein’ a myth
so’s parents can say
“LISTEN UP,
WE’RE THE BOSS.
THERE’S NO SANTA
JUST US
AND YOU EITHER
LIKE IT
OR LUMP IT”

but I’m not sayin’
I disagree with
this method
’cause at some point
ya gotta outgrow
the need for Santa Claus

ya gotta depend
on the family
and what they can do
fer ya
and ya’ll be
a better person-
-more rounded
not in the gut
like Santa
but in your outlook

sure the method’s okay
but what if
ya reversed the order
and said right off-
right at birth-
“KID YOU’RE GONNA HEAR A LOT
ABOUT THIS
SANTA CLAUS
BUT DON’T BELIEVE IT.
WE’RE THE ONES
YOU HAVE TO RESPECT.
WE’RE THE ONES
WHO ARE
LOOKING OUT FOR YOU.”

and maybe later
when the kids are older
and have lost
all faith
in mankind
and have given up
on anything magical
ya sent them straight
’bout Nick

ya tell ’em
ya lied
and there really is
this St. Nicholas guy
and he’s alright
and as long as
they believe in him
they’ll be alright too

and wouldn’t it be easier
that way?
wouldn’t it be nicer
to know
ya haven’t ruined
yer kid’s entire life?

sure tell ’em ’bout Santa
and they’ll pass the word
and they’ll believe
and behave
and ya’ll have
no more problems
in discipline
if ya use Nick’s name

‘cept maybe ’round Easter
when his moniker
brings no pull
whatsoever…

  Maybe there’s a song somewhere in that or maybe I’m thinking of the 1993 song “Hey Santa” by Wendy and Carnie Wilson :

By the way, in case Santa is reading this then “World Peace” is still at the top of my Christmas wish list.  If you can’t bring me that, Santa, then a personalized letter starting “Dear Scott Henderson” would be great too.  Then I could pass it among my little friends, and say “see, I told you Santa is real.”

   Here it is the end of September of 2021 and I’m working on another blahg.  If you’ve been following along, I celebrated 100 blahgs not that long ago and did a review of the last fifty in my two most recent blahgs.  This is number 102 if you’re counting but who’s counting?  I wonder if anyone ever wonders what inspires me.  The truth is that I was going to sit down and write about something completely different but then the topic for this blahg started to nag at me and I thought I could getting some traction with the theme.  We’ll see. 

   Recently I started reading a book that my daughter Emily gave me for Father’s Day.  Before I get to that, let me divert for a minute and talk about the most recent book I just finished reading before I started this new one.  I had been on a sort of kick in reading the first three novels in the “Cool and Lam” series by Erle Stanley Gardner.  Cool and Lam is a fictional American private detective firm run by Bertha Cool with Donald Lam as her main operative.  Gardner published 29 books in the series from 1939 to 1970.  The first book in the series was “The Bigger They Come”  followed by “Turn On The Heat” which was the second published book in the series.  I discovered, however, that this wasn’t the second book written in the series because Gardner had written “The Knife Slipped” after “The Bigger They Come.”  Here’s what Wikipedia says about it:  “Originally written to be the second book in the Cool and Lam series but rejected by Gardner’s publisher, The Knife Slipped was found among Gardner’s papers and published for the first time in 2016.”  ‎ Hard Case Crime published “The Knife Slipped” and after reading it, and enjoying it even more than “The Bigger They Come”, I was drawn back in again to that gritty thirties Los Angeles noir.  I don’t have the next book “Gold Comes In Bricks” so I decided to look around for something else to read. 

   I love shopping at thrift stores because sometimes you find great records by artists you never heard of or biographies about great hollywood stars.  Recently I was at a local thrift store and came across a copy of the book “Pickford:  The Woman Who Made Hollywood” by Eileen Whitfield.  I thought that I would add it to my collection of biographies and autobiographies of famous actors and actresses but didn’t expect to get to it for a few years.  I started perusing it on the ride home, luckily my wife was driving, and I was hooked by page one.  The author, Eileen Whitfield, did an amazing job detailing the life of the great Mary Pickford.  It’s a fantastic read and I certainly didn’t want it to end.  I don’t usually write reviews of books but I had to hop over to Amazon and write a glowing review.  Buy, steal or borrow this book.  You won’t be disappointed. 

   After I had finished the Pickford book I was going to take a break from reading for a while.  A couple of days later, however, I had to go have blood-work done and I grabbed up the book my daughter gave me for Father’s Day, “The Anthropocene Reviewed” by John Green.  Green is the author of “Turtles All The Way Down” and “The Fault In Our Stars.”  I hadn’t heard of the first book but I was aware of “The Fault In Our Stars” and that it had been made into a movie.  I believe my daughter Emily and my son Noah read “The Fault In Our Stars” and enjoyed it.  I haven’t read anything by Green before so picking up this book to read while waiting for blood-work seemed a good idea.  Frankly, I just wanted to be able to say to Emily that I read it.  I’m about half-way through the book and I don’t like it.  That’s unfortunate.  It’s basically Green reviewing a number of topics from Canada Geese to Diet Dr. Pepper to Scratch and Sniff Stickers.  He writes about each of the topics and adds a bit of personal insight or narrative and then gives each topic a rating on a scale from 1 to 5. 

   The problem with this book, so far of what I’ve read, is that the information that Green supplies on each topic is superficial and feels like it’s skimmed from Wikipedia.  His personal narratives ramble and sometimes have no point or are just not that interesting.  I was telling my wife about the book and remember saying that it was “god awful” and that this guy likes the sound of his own voice.  Now, we get to the theme of this blahg.  Saying that someone likes the sound of his own voice is not a compliment.  It’s akin to saying he’s full of himself.  Maybe Mr. Green’s two novels are better reads but “The Anthropocene Reviewed” feels like he was flaunting his fame by offering up something that he was sure his followers would read just because he wrote it.  Most of the topics are not his own and there’s better information to be found on each topic without Green’s narrative bogging it down.  I’ll finish the book but the only good thing I can say at this point is that it at least inspired this blahg. 

   I’m done with Mr. Green for now.  I want to talk about me, now.  I don’t think the sound of my voice is more important than anyone else’s or that what I have to say on anything is better than what anyone else has to say.  I try to add insight to what I post here and I try to add information that isn’t just culled from one source.  Yes, I’ve been known to quote Wikipedia but there’s lots of other information out there to be found and if you’re going to do your research, do it well.  Eileen Whitfield’s book on Mary Pickford proves that point.  A well researched and well written book will grab readers and keep their interest.  I try to do that in these blahgs.

   I’ll be honest, I’m not always a fan of my own voice but sometimes I do take pride in the things I say.  I’m a performer at heart and I guess there’s a need in me to be able to have people see or hear me perform.  Recently my son Noah posted a video on his Analog Resurgence account on YouTube.  He was reviewing a 1970’s 16mm broadcast camera that he had picked up earlier this summer.  When he was home around the beginning of August he did a test role with me as the star.  When he posted the video, the comments section blew up with comments about the “comedy gold” of his dad.  You can check out that video below.

That’s what you get when you hand a microphone to your Dad and ask him to ad-lib.  I was just rambling but apparently some people liked what I had to say.  Again, this wasn’t about hearing my own voice but liking the fact that people appreciated my ramblings. 

   I don’t want to take away from Noah’s videos so I’ll give a shameless plug for his YouTube channel Analog Resurgence.  You can check it out here:  https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCL9A6v7YSOOVXwCpao6Bszg.  If you feel inclined, and I hope you are, you can follow the links on his pages to financially support him at Patreon.  After reading all of the comments about me on that particular video, I joked with my friend Bryan that I should have my own series of YouTube videos called “Crazy Stuff Noah’s Dad Says.”  If I was bolder I would substitute the word Stuff with the word S__T.  You fill in the blanks.  Maybe people were just being kind about my humorous ramblings and I’d really not find any followers.  I’m not even sure if I have followers here.  Hello?  Hello?  Is there anyone out there? 

   As I’ve said, I’m not always a fan of my own voice but then not always means that sometimes I am.  I’ve done a few video blahgs here and even once did a whole blahg with short videos of me reading some of my own poetry, MORE POETRY FROM THE MIND OF SCOTT HENDERSON.  I guess that’s the performer or exhibitionist in me.  I’ve also posted some sketches from my once brilliant radio career as part of “Dead From The Neck Up.”  Along with my friend Stephen Dafoe and production and occasional voices from my friend Bryan Dawkins, we had three seasons of radio sketch comedy that probably was listened to by none.  If you go to my website, www.falseducks.com, you will find a menu at the top with links to some information about Dead From The Neck Up and some of our audio sketches and videos of us in the studio more than 25 years ago.  Our last aired show was a Christmas special in 1995 and we didn’t do another one until Christmas last year when we celebrated 25 years since our last show.  We wrote and recorded The Dead From The Neck Up 25th Anniversary Covid 19 Quarantine Special.  I think that deserves another posting: 

I’m hoping that we can produce a new show this year.  Stay tuned for that. 

   I really enjoyed performing in Dead From The Neck Up and some of the sketches still hold up well.  Yes, I did voice work in the show but listening to these shows today isn’t about my voice talent but rather performing something I had written.  I believe Stephen Dafoe was the better voice talent and hearing him perform material I wrote still gives me a thrill.  It was always fun playing off of Steve and here are a couple of examples: 

Two Guys Proxy Service # 1:

Two Guys Proxy Service # 2:

Eataway Laundry Soap

I wrote all of those sketches but sometimes it was fun just to do the voice work in sketches written by my friend Bryan: 

Hatman:

I enjoyed doing the following sketch but I was called on to do either a John F Kennedy, Robert Kennedy, or Teddy Kennedy imitation and I just couldn’t do it.  You can hear me doing my Ronald Reagan imitation at the beginning and end.  Bryan did JFK’s voice and Stephen did Robert and Teddy’s voices.  I like my Reagan imitation in the sketch. 

Kennedys for Gun Safety:

   The point of all of this is that if you want to listen to the sound of your own voice then have something good to say.  Be entertaining or try to educate.  I like the entertaining bit myself.  Doing Dead From The Neck Up was really more for ourselves and the reunion special was something we all wanted to do because we missed the performing.  I’ve got a backlog of the old shows that I haven’t digitized from the old reel to reel recordings.  I’ve been encouraged by my children to finish the digitization and post them as podcasts.  I’ve often thought about a False Ducks podcast but I think I wouldn’t have the voice for it.  I’d have to be entertaining for a long period but I like the short bursts of comedy sketches.  I only have to be “on” for those few minutes and then I can move along.  I can play a character and those are more fun most times than being me.  If I want to be me then I’ll write a blahg…like this one. 

I rate this blahg a 66 out of 5 or a 0.  But ask me again tomorrow.  I’ll probably change my mind by then.

 If you’re following this blahg, you’re probably wondering what happened to THIS IS 100, PART TWO.  Look up.  That’s the title of this blahg.  When I reached 100 blahgs, I created THIS IS 100, PART ONE but then took a break.  I needed it.  I had doubled down on creating two blahgs a month and when I reached the magic 100, I needed a break.  I’ve been secretly working on a project that will get revealed somewhere in this blahg.  Have I said the word “blahg” enough times?  Here’s another.  This blahg will be a recap of blahgs 76-99 because I don’t need to recap 100.  I’ll also have to take some artistic license to add topics where duplication exists.  Fancy words I know, so let’s move on.

76. MEATS AND CHEESES AND BABY JESUS. That blahg was dedicated to a new Christmas Entertainment I had written with the title “Meats And Cheeses And Baby Jesus.”  I won’t post it here again but here’s a link to the original blahg where it appears:  MEATS AND CHEESES AND BABY JESUS.  It was all about a staff Christmas party that I had to attend.  This year I have a new job and I’m a staff team of one.  I think the Secret Santa gift exchange will suck.  I probably won’t get myself anything nice.

77. IT WILL BE OKAY.  I was coming off 2019 which had presented many challenges.  My Dad died in 2019 and I was diagnosed with Polymyalgia Rheumatica.  I was still on prednisone at the end of 2019 and I was practicing my mantra that in 2020 “It Will Be Okay.”  It wasn’t.  I lost my job and some colleagues that I trusted turned against me.  I’m under a gag order not to talk about the settlement that I was awarded.  I’ll just say, “I WON!”  And now I have a new job where I’m trusted and with a staff team I trust.  Okay, I’m the only one in the staff team but I trust myself…mostly.  I guess it was okay after all.

78. HOW I MET MY WIFE…OR BEST LEAP DAY EVER!  I told the story of how I met my wife and how the stars had to align to make that happen.  That’s my wife’s Facebook profile picture to the right.  I’m not sure which one is supposed to be me.  This photo below is one of my favorite pictures of us back in 1986:

That’s me on the right.  In later pictures I’m on the left.  It’s a wonder how the love of a good woman can make you change.  Hey, I wonder whatever happened to that watch?

79. THE FALSE DUCKS VIDEO BLAHG #3: HOW I’M SURVIVING MY ISOLATION.  Part of the blahg was talking about being in quarantine during the pandemic and what I was watching and what I was listening to in my isolation.  Luckily, I didn’t get Covid 19.  Sadly, one of the artists I mentioned in the blahg was Trini Lopez and he passed away in 2020 due to complications from Covid19.  He was 83.  I have a 45rpm picture sleeve record of Trini Lopez that was a giveaway with Fresca in 1967.  Here is Trini Lopez singing the promo song “The Blizzard Song”:

80. DOWN A RABBIT HOLE WITH LINDA KEENE.  Where do I even begin to start with this one?  Down a rabbit hole is right.  I wrote three other Linda Keene blahgs after this one and I’ve continued to edit them with new material.  The big reveal on the secret project is that I’m in negotiations with a company that may be releasing a 2 CD set of Linda Keene material with liner notes by me.  At the beginning of 2020 I hadn’t even heard of Linda Keene and now I’m being consulted and asked to write liner notes!  I’ll keep everyone posted on the release.

81, 82, & 83. TRACING LINDA KEENE.  A three part series where I traced musical star Linda Keene through the media notices, reviews, and advertisements.  I traced her from her start as Florence McCrory, having been born in Mississippi in 1911, through her married years as Florence Suttle, and her transition in 1937 to Linda Keene.  All three blahgs are chock full of images and links to her recordings and three film Soundies she made.  The last blahg ends with the reveal of two new songs discovered on a 78rpm demonstration record she recorded in the early 1950s.  Mississippi born and Mississippi reflecting on one of the lost songs, “Muddy Water”:

84. CHRISTMAS IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT.  I was lamenting the fact that my daughter Emily and her husband Charlie couldn’t come home for Christmas last year due to Covid 19 precautions.  We did a Face-time video meet up and opened our presents over that video chat.  The theme of that blahg was trying to make a Christmas for ourselves despite all the issues raised by the pandemic.  In fact, I went even further and with my friends Stephen Dafoe and Bryan Dawkins, we wrote and recorded a new Christmas special for the first time in 25 years with the elegant title of “The Dead From The Neck Up 25th Anniversary Covid 19 Quarantine Special.”  Talk about a mouthful!  I later remastered it and uploaded it to YouTube with some video of my Christmas light display:

85. THE FALSE DUCKS VIDEO BLAHG #4: OH, DIDN’T I RAMBLE.  And yet another video blahg where I ramble on about things I wanted to accomplish in 2021.  Reaching 100 blahgs was big on that list.  Chalk one up in the accomplished column.  I posted a video of my daughter Abbie and I doing the polar dip at North Beach on January 1st of this year.  It deserves a re-posting:

86. MY FATHER’S VOICE.  I had started to forget the sound of my Father’s voice now two years after his passing.  I woke up suddenly one night hearing my Father call my name.  I had to find examples of my Father’s voice so I could hear him again.  Here’s the speech he gave at my wedding in 1987:

My Father still speaks to me every day. It’s my own voice now but it’s his wisdom…or his nonsense…depending on who you ask.

87. A LATE CHRISTMAS STORY…OR AN EARLY ONE.  This blahg debuted the Christmas story that I was trying to write for 2020 but didn’t finish until late January/early February this year.  Here it is again in September of 2021:

The Stolen Christmas

      It was nearing the end of November before Brad realized it was almost Christmas again.

     “Do you realize it’s almost Christmas again?” he hollered out to Carla.

      Carla was in the bedroom that also doubled as her home office. Brad’s home office was in the spare bedroom. He and Carla both were able to work from home during the pandemic. She was part of a team who developed online advertising and Brad did coding for video games. It sometimes made for tight quarters but if staying home and staying safe were necessary then they would make it work.

     “It seems to steal up on us earlier every year,” she shouted back.

     “What’s that?” Brad inquired, leaning into their bedroom.

     “You asked me if I realized it’s almost Christmas again and I replied it seems to steal up on us earlier every year.  Say, aren’t you supposed to be working.”

     “I’m on a break,” he replied.  “It’s one of the perks of working from home.”

     “I could use a break, too,” she offered in return.

     “Coffee run?” Brad asked as he stretched in the doorway.

     “Hot Licks it is,” she replied.

     Hot Licks, was the neighbourhood ice-cream and coffee shop.  It was one of the few businesses offering curbside pickup.  Brad and Carla could have just as easily made coffee at home but one of the perks of working from home certainly was not seeing the same walls day in and day out.  Both made it a point to go out for a walk at least once a day to get exercise and a change of scenery.

     It had been challenging this past year working from home.  Oh, having home work stations was easily accomplished and their Internet was fast enough to handle their needs.   It was the social aspect that was the most difficult.  In the past few weeks, it had just been the two of them and not getting on each other’s nerves was a conscious effort for both of them.  They took walks together, yes, but they also took walks alone or made excuses to run errands without the other.  Carla enjoyed going to the grocery store alone and Brad had taken to early evening coffee runs on his own.

     “What was that you said about stealing Christmas,” he asked of Carla when they were down on the street.

     “I didn’t say anything about stealing Christmas, silly.  I said Christmas seems to steal up on us earlier every year.”

     “Oh,” Brad replied.  “Still…”, he said trailing off and looking at some of the houses on their way to Hot Licks.  “Still,” he began again.  “I wonder if it could be done?”

     “If what could be done?” Carla inquired.  He was making no sense.

    Brad stopped and pointed to the porch of a bungalow.  “Look at that package sitting there.  Obviously some courier left it when he realized no one was home.  Anyone could just walk up and steal it.”  Brad seemed overly excited about the notion.

     “What are you going on about? “ Carla asked.  “You’re not thinking about stealing that package?”  She tugged at his arm to try to remove him from the temptation.

     “No,” Brad said, resisting her efforts to pull him along.  “I’m thinking bigger.  I was wondering if it were possible to steal Christmas.”

     Carla stared at him.  What was he saying?

     “What are you saying?” Carla asked, speaking her thoughts aloud.

     “Well,” Brad began.  “Every year we have a pretty good Christmas and I have no complaints but there’s no challenge in it.  We spend what we spend and we get each other what we get each other.  Maybe it’s the whole pandemic but I want things to be different.”

     “Things are different.  There’s a pandemic and we’re in a lockdown,” Carla said, stating the obvious.

     “I know,” Brad began again.  “But what if we stole our Christmas?  Nothing store bought or ordered.  Everything has to be stolen.  No ordering online either.  It can be done.  Just look at that package on that porch, for example.  It would be so easy and every gift is a surprise box.”

     Carla couldn’t believe what he was saying.  Was he really serious about this?

     “I’m serious about this,” Brad continued.  “Let’s do it.  I’ll take care of the tree and decorations and you take care of the Christmas dinner menu.”

     “We can’t,” Carla answered in reply.  Still, she didn’t have a rational reason why they couldn’t.  A moral reason yes but Brad seemed so intent on the idea.  Could she really go along with this?  The idea was insane but Brad was right, it was a challenge and they had so few of those other than those imposed by the pandemic and the lockdown.

     “Just say you’ll think about it,” Brad implored.  He was squeezing her hand now.

      “You won’t get a PlayStation 5 for Christmas, then,” was all she could think to say.

     “Neither will you, unless one of the mystery porch presents contains one.  I know you want a PS5 just as badly as I do.”

     “What about that coffee?” she asked pulling at his arm again.  “I have work to do and so do you.”  She hoped that removing him from the sight of the porch parcel would eventually aid in him forgetting about his stealing Christmas idea.

     They eventually made it to Hot Licks and back home again.  Nothing more was said that day about the crazy idea.

————

       Nothing more had been said about the Christmas stealing for almost a week until one evening Brad came in with a Christmas Tree.  It had obviously been a struggle to get it in the elevator let alone the building.  It was fully lighted and decorated with ornaments.

     “How do you like that!” Brad declared.

     Carla was taken aback.  There was Brad standing there with a seven foot artificial Christmas Tree and a grin almost as big.  It wasn’t the fact that he was standing there with this tree but that she recognized it.  The tree was the one outside of Hot Licks.  It still had some of the coffee themed ornaments adorning its limbs.  She recognized the star on top and even the red metal stand.  Brad had thought of everything.

     “Don’t tell me you don’t like it?” Brad began.  “Do you know what it took to get it up here?  The stares alone were enough to stop me in my tracks but I was committed.  Someone once said ‘don’t steal anything small’.”

     “Oh yeah who was that?”  Carla decided it would be best to play along.

     “I don’t know, but somebody did,” Brad replied.

     “Hey Google,” Carla shouted out to their Google Nest Hub.  “Who said, Never Steal Anything Small?”  It not only controlled lights and electrical devices in their home, but through its connection to the Internet, it was a wealth of information.

     “James Cagney,” Google replied.  “Never steal anything small marked the last time James Cagney sang and danced on screen.”

     “There you go,” Brad remarked triumphantly.  “Never steal anything small.  Do you want to me sing and dance?

     “No thanks,” Carla replied, “I’ve seen you sing and dance.  I’d rather watch the tree.”

      Brad took that as his cue.  He went to the kitchen and rifled through a drawer and came up with an extension cord.  He plugged it into a spare outlet and then connected the tree.  Immediately the apartment was ablaze with the glow of the coloured lights.

      “Hey Google, turn off all of the apartment lights,” Brad shouted.

     The result was stunning.  The glow from the tree was breathtaking.

     “Will you look at that,” Brad exclaimed.

     Carla was.  She was looking at the tree…a tree that should have been outside Hot Licks.  He was right, though, it was a sight to behold…certainly better than watching Brad dance.  Of course, Brad had set up the tree in the middle of their living area but she could adjust that later.  Right now, she would let him have this moment.

     That night, Carla lay in bed thinking about the tree.  This stealing business was now a thing and it was getting serious.  The tree outside of Hot Licks was a source of pride in the neighbourhood.  What would people say when they noticed it gone?  Should Carla say something to Brad?  How could she?  Brad had been so proud of himself.  Did this mean she was now committed to the stealing Christmas scheme?  Could she really do it?  Brad had made the first move.  Now it was up to her.

     The next day during her lunch break, Carla made an excuse about having to get some air.  She made sure that on her walk, she passed by Hot Licks.  She was right, the tree was gone.  On the door there was a sign that read:  ‘Merry Christmas everyone, closed until further notice.’

     Carla was taken aback.  What did this mean?  The store had been open yesterday.  She had bought coffee there for her and Brad.  Did this single act of theft bring about the closure of the store?  Had the owners taken it that hard?  Maybe it was a sense of betrayal to them.

     Carla felt sick.  She stepped into an alley and threw up.

     When she returned to the apartment she was very pale.  Brad was still working.  Carla went back to work.  She was still feeling nauseous.  Later, it passed.  She said nothing to Brad.

————

            The gifts began to appear beneath the tree.  There were small things at first and then Brad had placed a larger gift under the tree.  It was a square box shape and had some heft to it.  Carla couldn’t help herself.  She stopped short of shaking it or tearing off a small piece of the wrapping to get an idea of what might be inside.

            Was this one of those porch parcels?  She didn’t know when Brad had acquired it.  It just showed up beneath the tree one day.  Did this make Brad a Porch Pirate?  The phrase was all over the media.  When she thought about it, she really didn’t want to know.  The uneasiness was back in her stomach again.

            A few days later, there was a large Christmas gift for Brad underneath the tree.  He too, had tested the weight of the present.  It was heavy enough and it set his mind wondering what it was.  He also wondered where Carla had picked it up.  Had she picked it up…off someone’s porch maybe?  Brad didn’t want to think about it.  Christmas was going to be very interesting this year.

————

           Brad began to notice a change in Carla.  It had started after he had brought home the Christmas Tree.  It was subtle things.  She was quieter.  She didn’t like to take as many walks as she once did.  Maybe it was Christmas.  Maybe it was the pandemic.  Brad didn’t push her on it.

            If it was Christmas, Carla didn’t say anything about it.  The whole idea of stealing Christmas was an insane idea but Carla seemed to be taking it in stride.

            It started with the canned goods.  One day after one of her infrequent walks, the kitchen counter displayed cans of pumpkin, cranberry sauce, water chestnuts, and mushrooms.

            “I understand the cranberry sauce and the pumpkin but what’s with the chestnuts and mushrooms?” Brad asked.  It was safer asking her these types of questions.  It was clear she didn’t want to talk about personal issues.

            “It’s a new stuffing recipe I want to try,” was all that Carla would say.

            “Don’t you need a turkey for that?” Brad asked.

            “Just you wait,” Carla answered.

            Brad didn’t have to wait long.  A few days later, there was a frozen turkey in the refrigerator.

            “How…” Brad couldn’t finish the question.  He wasn’t sure he wanted to know.  But he did know.  She had gone out in sweats and then there was the turkey.

            “No one questions a pregnant lady at the grocery store,” Carla casually replied.

            Brad conjured up the image.  Shoplifting was becoming an art with her.  Should he be concerned?  He had started all of this.  A stolen Christmas.  Wasn’t that his suggestion after all?

            Brad looked at her.  He leaned in and gave her a kiss.  He’d have to let this thing play out.

————

     Christmas day came with many revelations.

     It started with the gifts.

     “Go ahead, open it,” Brad said after placing the large gift at Carla’s feet.  There was that big grin like the one he had sported after he had brought home the Christmas Tree.

     “I can’t imagine what it is.  I suppose it will be something totally useless,” Carla began as she tore into the wrapping.  “Porch presents never are all that good.  People always order the stupidest of things that they don’t really…”  Her voice trailed off.  Her removal of the wrapping revealed a PlayStation 5.

“Surprised, hunh?” Brad asked.

     He wasn’t wrong.  She was surprised.  She couldn’t believe it.  This was too much.  The Christmas Tree was one thing but stealing a PlayStation 5 was too much.  This was a Christmas present meant for someone else and not for her.  There was no way this came from somebody’s porch.  There was no way that Brad could have known that someone had ordered a PS5.  But where else could he have gotten it?

     Carla had so many questions but she felt if she asked them then it would ruin everything for Brad.  Instead, she gently set aside the PS5 and quietly grabbed up the large bag and handed it to Brad.

     “Oh boy, I just love Christmas.  I know I’m just a big kid but…”  Brad’s voice had trailed off too after he had opened his gift.  Inside was another PlayStation 5.  The grin from Brad’s face faded and was replaced by a look of confusion.

     “Merry Christmas,” Carla offered up in a quiet crackling voice.  The time had come for the truth.

     “I don’t understand,” Brad began before being interrupted by Carla.

     “Okay, okay.  I bought it.”  Carla watched Brad’s face.  Was he unhappy with her for not stealing it?  She couldn’t tell.  The look of confusion on his face grew more intent.

    “There’s no way.  It was sold out everywhere.”  If Brad was disappointed that it wasn’t stolen, he didn’t show it.

     “Remember last month when I went to visit my sister?” Carla asked?

     “Yeah, you told me she was going through something and you went as moral support.”

      “The truth is I was in line at Gamer Station.  They’re one of my clients.  They tweeted out that they had received some stock.  I was the second in line.  I had to wait all night.“  Carla was still expecting that look of disappointment from Brad.   “I’m sorry I just couldn’t do it.  I just couldn’t steal Christmas.”

     Brad’s face brightened and the grin returned.  “Neither could I.”

      “I don’t understand.”  The look of confusion was now on Carla’s face.

      “Compare  your PS5 to the one you gave me,” Brad replied.

     Carla set both gifts side by side and then she saw it.  Brad’s gift to her was a PS5 bundled with “Grim Reaper Redux.”

      “It’s your game!  I mean it’s that game you used to play.  But that game was more than ten years ago.”  Carla was even more confused.

     “That’s what I was working on earlier this year,“ Brad offered.  “It’s the old game remastered with better graphics and more levels.  Sony decided to do a special bundle of the game with the release of the PS5.  I received a free console for my work.”

     “So you didn’t steal yours either then?” Carla pointed out.

     “Like you, I couldn’t steal Christmas either.”

     “But what about the tree?” Carla queried.

     “Oh, Nico gave me that.”  Nico was the owner of Hot Licks.  “Or rather he sold it to me for a dollar.”

     Carla was relieved.  But why did Hot Licks close?  “But why did Hot Licks close?” she shot back.

     “Nico thought it was safer to close over the holidays.  He didn’t want to put any of his staff or customers at risk.  I saw him putting up the notice one evening and we got to chatting.  I asked him what he was going to do with the tree.  He told me to take it and hoped it would make my Christmas brighter.  I told him I couldn’t just take the tree for nothing so I offered him a dollar.  That way I could claim it was a real steal.”  Brad seemed very pleased with himself.

      “And the other gifts under the tree?” Carla inquired.

     “Ordered online.  It turns out I’m no thief.”

     “Same here,” Carla responded.

      The rest of the presents weren’t as extravagant as the PlayStations.  There were clothes and the requisite socks and underwear, as well as books and DVDs and other items ordered online and not stolen.  Carla laughed to herself thinking about someone possibly stealing someone else’s underwear.

      The day was perfect.  They had found out what type of people they really were and amazed themselves at the same quality in their partner.

      “No one questions a pregnant lady at the grocery store,” Brad said with a laugh later that day over Christmas dinner.  “Here I was imagining you with a turkey stuffed in your clothing.

      “Oh, that part’s true,” Carla casually replied.

     “What!?” Brad exclaimed.  “I thought you said you didn’t steal anything?”

     “I didn’t.  I said the part about no one questioning a pregnant lady at the grocery store was true.”

     “I don’t get it,” Brad replied.  It took him a few seconds but Carla’s smile explained everything.

     “You mean..?” Brad uttered awkwardly.

      “Merry Christmas Daddy,” Carla said through her huge smile.

     Carla had known for a few weeks but she waited until Christmas to give Brad the news.  She had suspected the pregnancy after that day she had vomited in the alley near Hot Licks.  The morning sickness had continued after that and a home pregnancy kit had confirmed it.  Blood work requested by her Doctor revealed the same.  The most difficult thing had not been the morning sickness but keeping the secret from Brad.

      Brad was quiet for a moment with the thought of it all.  It was a perfect Christmas and nothing had been stolen.  Brad decided that the appropriate reply to Carla’s revelation was to reach over to her and steal a kiss.  He didn’t think she would mind that he’d stolen something after all.

      And she didn’t.

88. THE RAMBLE UNPACKED. This blahg was an unpacking or explanation of everything (and more) from THE FALSE DUCKS VIDEO BLAHG #4: OH, DIDN’T I RAMBLE.  In that blahg, I rambled about a number of things that I wanted to talk about this year and unpacking the ramble gave me the chance to explain my progress.  Fix the cuckoo clock?  Check!  Read Geoffrey Willans’ “How to be Topp?”  Check!  Read “Roses Are Difficult Here” by W.O. Mitchell?  I hadn’t when I had written that blahg but I have since, so Check!  Another part of the blahg was dedicated to my new found fascination of the trumpet player Billy Butterfield.  I started buying up CDs and records by this talented artist.  Here’s a great live video of Billy Butterfield performing “Ain’t Misbehavin’ ” on a Peter Appleyard show in 1978:

89. THE BEST OF EVERYTHING. A pregnant colleague inspired this blahg.  I’m currently filling in while she is on maternity leave until July of next year.  Earlier this year, before she had her baby, I asked her if she had any weird cravings.  Here’s what I wrote in that blahg:  “She said she hadn’t had any cravings but everything she ate recently seemed to her to be the best of that particular things she had ever had.  I commented that wouldn’t it be great if you could keep that feeling all the time and that no matter what you were eating or viewing or hearing or experiencing at any given moment was the best.  It would be the ultimate ‘living in the moment’ experience you could ever have.”  The blahg was filled with musical references and audio and video clips related to songs about having the best of everything or just enjoying what you have.  Me, I enjoy Mel Tormé.  That may not be the best for everyone but I think this video of him singing “We’ve Got A World That Swings” pushes my point.  Forget that bad stuff and enjoy the good stuff right now.

90. 12 MONTHS – 12 RECORDS – 12 SONGS. The first of two blahgs featuring tracks from 12 albums I had purchased over the past year.  One of these albums was “Jumpin’ With Jonah” featuring the Jonah Jones Quartet.  Here’s another track from that album, “It’s A Good Day.”  I think that would have tied in well with “The Best of Everything” blahg as well.

91. 12 MONTHS – 12 MORE RECORDS – 12 MORE SONGS.  Another batch of 12 albums that I purchased over the previous year.  One of the albums was “Bernadine” by Bernadine Read.  I had found this record at a thrift shop only shortly before I wrote this 12 More Records blahg.  I really liked the album but I’m going to offer up a bonus by Bernadine Read.  Her version of “Learnin’ The Blues” (which was a hit for Frank Sinatra) appeared on an obscure record “Cha-Cha, Merengue, Bolero And Mambo” by Belmonte and His Orchestra.  I don’t own the album and I’m not sure how she ended up on this album.  On “learning’ The Blues” she sounds a bit like Marilyn Monroe.  Not sure if it’s Cha-Cha, Merengue, Bolero or Mambo.  Still, it’s a nice effort.

92. SOME FORGOTTEN BANDS…WITH A NOD TO LINDA KEENE.  Quoting from that blahg:  “I spent a great deal of time researching Linda Keene and perusing through old newspaper articles to assemble a narrative of Linda Keene’s career.  One thing I learned, outside of all of the things I learned about Linda Keene, was that there were many big bands and orchestras in the mid and late 1930s and through the 1940s that we no longer remember.  So, I thought I would look at some of those forgotten bands that specifically were associated in some way with Linda Keene.”  I’m going to mention one more band with an association to Linda Keene. 

   I noted earlier in this blahg that I’m working on the liner notes to an upcoming Linda Keene CD project.  I had been contacted by James Harrod, a jazz researcher and he brought me into the fold to work on this project.  James had worked on a previous CD set of “The Unknown Arv Garrison, Wizard of The Six String.”  Arv Garrison was once married to Vivien Garry and they performed together in the Vivien Garry Trio.  The connection to Linda Keene is that James wrote an article earlier this year about “Vivien Garry On Record.”  You can check it out here: https://jazzresearch.com/vivien-garry-on-record/.  Here’s an excerpt from James’ research:  “Dave Ehrhard, a record collector and one of Vivien’s greatest fans, compiled a discography that she included in her autobiography, The Blues in “B” Flat. The entry on the last page of Ehrhard’s discography notes unissued demo recordings with Moe Diffenbach accompanying Garry on piano.”  One of the unissued demo recordings was “I Don’t Care What You Used To Be” (with Linda Keene).  Unfortunately the demo recordings were either donated somewhere or are lost to us now.  Instead, I’ll offer up Vivien Garry and Her All-Girl Band with  “A Woman’s Place Is In the Groove.”

And to think, if it wasn’t for Linda Keene, I wouldn’t know who Vivien Garry is…was…you know what I mean.

93. ASTRAZENECA VACCINE — MY CAUTIONARY TALE.  I received Astrazeneca as my first Covid 19 vaccine and was sick for two weeks.  I received Moderna for my second and it caused a flare up of my Polymyalgia Rhematica.  Am I complaining?  Well, not now I’m not.  I did this not just for me but everyone else who might be infected if I didn’t get a vaccine.  To all of those anti-vaxxers  out there, get over yourself you big crying babies.  What’s a little shot compared to potential death?  I forgot, big babies can’t make complex comparisons.  DO THE RIGHT THING!  GET A VACCINE!

94. SINATRA–CNE–1984–SEPTEMBER IN THE RAIN.  On September 2nd of this year, it was the 37th anniversary of my seeing Sinatra for the first time.  It was at the Canadian National Exhibition in Toronto in 1984 and it poured rain.  This blahg gave some back story to the love/hate relationship Toronto had with Sinatra around that time.  Here’s one of the rain songs Sinatra sang that night, “Come Rain Or Come Shine.”  Sinatra rain or shine.  Make it mine.

95. WHAT ON EARTH IS SCOBEYFAN?  I hope I answered this one.  And I hope I did it justice.  The answer is I am scobeyfan…being a fan of Bob Scobey.  It’s a username I utilize on the Internet.  The blahg was dedicated to the music of Bob Scobey.  The blahg had so many audio files and a few videos that I’m hard pressed to find anything else left to say.  So I’ll say it with the music.  This is another favorite of mine from the “Beauty And The Beat” LP.  I like to sing along to this one.  It’s “Alice Blue Gown”:

96. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD? – PART 2.  I decided to revisit a topic I had first explored in December of 2012.  Almost nine years on and I was wondering if anything had changed.  I don’t know.  The point is to take care of ourselves and maybe it will affect the world around us.  Doris Day did a great album with André Previn called “Duet” and there’s an inspiring song about controlling yourself so you gain tranquility.  It’s very infectious.  The song is appropriately called “Control Yourself”:

97. SOME FORGOTTEN SONGBIRDS. Truth be told, I was pulling the names of these forgotten songbirds from old newspaper articles and a PDF I downloaded somewhere that had photos of many of the male and female singers with big bands.  One I didn’t comment on was Lucy Ann Polk.  Here’s her photo from the PDF: 

This is from her Wikipedia page entry:

Lucy Ann Polk (May 16, 1927 – October 10, 2011) was an American jazz singer who performed with Les Brown’s orchestra in the 1950s.  She also sang and recorded with Bob Crosby, Kay Kyser, Tommy Dorsey, and Dave Pell.
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Polk began her music career with her sister and brothers in a quartet named the Four Polks, which was eventually changed to the Town Criers. They performed with big bands led by Les Brown, Lionel Hampton, and Kay Kyser until they disbanded in 1948. Polk became the lead vocalist with the Les Brown Orchestra. From 1952–1954, she was named Best Girl Singer with Band by Down Beat magazine.

She began her solo career with the album Lucy Ann Polk with the Dave Pell Octet (Trend, 1954), followed by Lucky Lucy Ann (Mode, 1957; reissued by Interlude under the name Easy Livin in 1959). The latter album featured arrangements by Marty Paich. On both albums, she sang jazz and traditional pop songs by Duke Ellington, Billy Strayhorn, Hoagy Carmichael, Cole Porter, Sammy Cahn, Jule Styne, and Jimmy Van Heusen. She released no more albums and ended her career in 1960.

In 1946, Polk married Dick Noel, who played trombone with Les Brown’s orchestra.

We are lucky that the Four Polks filmed a Soundie of a song “Miss You” and you can catch that on YouTube: 

When Lucy and her siblings rebranded as the Town Criers they also made an appearance in the 1945 movie “Radio Stars On Parade” singing “My Grandfather’s Clock. 

Here’s a 1951 entry of her singing with Les Brown and His Orchestra on “I’ve Got The World On A String”:

With Bob Crosby’s band here’s Lucy Ann singing “Just When We’re Falling In Love”:

Here’s one of her solo entries with the Dave Pell Octet:

And finally with the Marty Paich Sextet on “Don’cha Go Away Mad”:

I could have probably done a separate blahg on her alone.

98. WHAT’S SO FUNNY?  I find many things funny but recently my friend Bryan and I were talking about film comedian Roscoe “Fatty” Arbuckle.  On September 5, 2021 (this year) it marked the 100th year anniversary of the Roscoe Arbuckle scandal.  Look it up.  It was a travesty and he was rightly acquitted.  Unfortunately there was a ban on Arbuckle after that and he couldn’t work openly in Hollywood.  He tried to make a comeback in 1932 and released 6 shorts with Warner Brothers through Vitaphone.  Unfortunately Arbuckle would suffer a fatal heart-attack the following year at the age of 46.  Luckily many of his films are out there for viewing.  Here is “Buzzin’ Around” from 1933:

99. STILL THINKING FOR MYSELF.  Again, I revisited a blahg from 2012.  It was the case of repairing my friend’s laptop and struggling with bad advice I found on the Internet.  I didn’t give up and I kept at it, knowing there had to be a solution out there.  I found it and fixed it.  That’s the short answer.  The even shorter answer is “Think For Yourself!”  Of course there’s that whole adage of “think of others”.  That’s true when it comes to getting a vaccine.  It’s also true that getting a vaccine is thinking of yourself.  Do you want to get Covid 19?  Do you want to die?  Do you want to infect others around you and make them die?  The correct answer to all of that is NO!  Do the research and do the right thing.  Get the vaccine.  At least think about it.

100. THIS IS 100, PART ONE.  I’m not going to rehash this one.  Go back one blahg and read it.  It’s a review of blahgs 51 to 75.  It was a celebration of 100 blahgs.  Instead of revisiting that, let’s think of other 100 things to celebrate.  Of course, we’re not celebrating 100 years since the Roscoe Arbuckle scandal.  He deserves better than that.  I wonder what our world will be like 100 years from today?  Will we have World Peace?  Will we be closer to World Peace?  Will we have healed the planet and addressed all of the environmental issues?  Will someone look back on my 100 blahgs and say kind things or will I have written a great masterpiece by then?  Does it matter?  There’s a great song called “A Hundred Years From Today” that poses that question if it really matters and that we should seize the day today.  Frank Sinatra sang the song “A Hundred Years From Today” on his radio program “To Be Perfectly Frank” back in 1954 and then recorded it thirty years later for his 1984 album “L.A. Is My Lady.”  The 1954 effort is a nice ballad with Graham Forbes on piano:

The 1984 recording is a swinging version conducted by Quincy Jones: 

The point is to do something today.  Save the planet.  Get out and vote.  Get a vaccine.  Don’t wait for another 100 years to get going.

   By the way, in case you’ve lost count, this blahg is 101…and not a dalmatian in sight.  Come on, lighten up, that was meant to be funny!